This holiday season, if Santa snubbed the good little boys and girls in Russia and its surrounding countries, it’s understandable why jolly old Saint Nick might’ve redirected Rudolph to fly far out of range of Russian antiaircraft fire: Whichever Rooskie is manning the battle station has the calm, steady hand of a Parkinson’s patient on his 17th cup of coffee.
By now, you’ve heard the news: An Azerbaijan Airlines plane crash on Christmas Day was (perhaps) caused by Russian air defense fire. But of course, nothing is cut and dry anymore: Between the fog of war and weaponized misinformation on both sides of the Russia-Ukraine conflict, it’s foolish to take anything at face value.
Both sides have more in common than they’d like to admit — and among their shared traits is the simple fact that both Russia and Ukraine are corrupt, manipulative, and transparently Machiavellian.
Both countries are (very) loosely tethered to the truth.
For very obvious reasons, Ukraine has a vested interest in spiking discord between Mother Russia and her wayward children. The more isolated, despised, ostracized, and sanctioned Russia becomes, the better. For their ongoing anti-Russia PR campaign, the Azerbaijan Airlines crash is perfect: It lets them (re-) remind the world how cruel, bloodthirsty, and indiscriminate Putin’s regime has become — and thus, it’s just a matter of time until he targets their people, too.
Russia, of course, is incentivized to publicize a much different narrative: Maybe the plane hit a flock of birds. (It happens. Remember that scene in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”?) Maybe it was some sort of mechanical failure. C’mon, folks: A big metal tube floating in the sky is pretty weird if you think about it, so it could’ve crashed for all kinds of reasons. Let’s not be hasty.
Meanwhile, the incoming commander-in-chief has announced to the world that America is ready to grow. Sure, Donald Trump might personally be 6’3” and a slim, svelte 215 pounds (at least, according to his Fulton County intake sheet), but the United States is bursting its britches: We’re destined to expand.
Maybe Canada will be our 51st state. (Finally, we could get our hands on their cutting-edge Zamboni technology.) I’m not really sure what we’d do with Canada, but if the liberals are right about Global Warming, maybe it’ll be nice after it thaws out.
If we can’t annex Canada, how about the Panama Canal? It really demonstrates the power of a name: If only Teddy Roosevelt had called it the AMERICAN Canal, then the Panamanians never would’ve assumed it belonged to them. Oh, well. (Teddy Roosevelt also said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick,” but if you’re a grown man named “Teddy,” you should probably carry a big stick wherever you go.)
And then, there’s Greenland. According to the president-elect, the U.S. “feels that the ownership and control of Greenland is an absolute necessity” to ensure global freedom and national security. Thank goodness Trump’s finally saying what we’ve all been feeling! (All these years, I’ve been so worried about Greenland that I’ve barely been able to sleep at night.)
Don’t get me wrong: It’d be great to (re) acquire those areas. Land and people are assets; the more, the merrier. But what Trump’s rhetoric belies is something deeper, more revealing — and an opportunity to finally end the pain and misery on both sides of the Russia-Ukraine conflict.
Thomas Jefferson was an all-time great American; he’s literally on Mount Rushmore. He wrote the Declaration of Independence, founded a college, and served our country as its third president.
But his lasting legacy was the Louisiana Purchase.
In the realm of legendary, unforgettable kings, queens, emperors, and conquerors, the scorecard is the size of your kingdom. Great kings grow their kingdoms; poor kings lose their land.
And Donald Trump sees himself as great.
Just as Russia and Ukraine are untethered to the truth, Trump is untethered to tradition and precedent. He’s not trying to go down in the history books as merely a great president — he’s set on being remembered as a peer of Alexander the Great.
And there are only two ways you get there: acquiring land… or bringing peace.
If Canada, Panama, and Greenland elude us, bringing peace to Europe and preventing World War III is a worthy legacy, too.
A plane crash that kills children is never a good thing, but oddly enough, the geopolitical climate might finally be conducive to peace — and President-elect Trump is the one man with the temperament, power, and motivation to do it.
This New Year, perhaps there will finally be peace on Earth. Cheers!
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