“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” —Homer J. Simpson, American philosopher (and astronaut)
Yeah, fine: Each and every November, there’s always an election to watch. Sometimes it’s your senator or governor. But those extra-special Novembers that come every four years, those are the ones that REALLY thrill your red-blooded American heart.
It’s kind of like the Winter Olympics with curling (or whatever that godless, soulless Canadian monstrosity is). Sure, it’s technically the Olympics and I guess you still get a medal, but lemme know when they’re doing the one with actual sports.
(I’m no expert on the Olympics, but the game with Scandinavian women and beach volleyball is way better.)
Anyway, back to November and elections: This year is the big one — that extra-special November: A presidential election.
So you’ve read all the articles. You’ve studied every last gallop of this horserace like it’s a still frame from the Zapruder film. You’ve done your homework. And now… it’s do or die.
Maybe you voted early; maybe you’re voting on Tuesday. And maybe you’ve volunteered to help with the final get-out-the-vote drive. But eventually, you’re gonna go home to eat (and possibly drink).
This Tuesday, you’re gonna want to have people around you. You don’t want to be alone. Watching election results is kind of like watching a big prizefight: It’s just more exciting with the roar of a crowd.
But you’ve gotta be highly selective. Don’t invite everyone. There’s too much at stake; the tension will be palpable. This is NOT the place for anyone annoying (which probably excludes your in-laws). However, contrary to popular opinion, it’s okay to include a liberal, as long as he or she agrees not to gloat if, as the airlines say, “in the unlikely event…”
(You know.)
Hopefully, your shindig will welcome a diverse roster of attendees — with a good mix of ages, backgrounds, and genders. All men is no good, and not just because someone will have to clean up afterward: Diverse partygoers from varying demos will have new and interesting things to complain about. It’s no fun unless everyone’s equally terrified for different reasons! You need some diversity. (Yes, I know it sounds socialistic, but in politics, sharing the misery makes the spectacle more fun for everyone. You don’t want to leave anyone out of the pain and agony.)
And you’ll need food.
Sure, if you’re a low-effort host, you could order a few pizzas or DoorDash your way to a baseline of satiation, but c’mon, bruh: This is a presidential election! Show some pride.
You need to grill.
Pick the carcass of your pleasure — you can’t go wrong with beef, chicken, or pork — and make sure your grill is up to snuff. (Pro Tip: Test it out on Sunday while watching football. And then take a nice, long nap, cuz you’ve earned it, champ!)
What fuel you use is an endless, ongoing debate. It’s the “Tastes great!” “Less filling!” divide of the grilling world. Obviously, I’m talking about the war between propane and charcoal.
To me, charcoal is way better. Propane’s advantage is that it’s quicker and cleaner… but c’mon, bruh: This is a presidential election! Take the extra step and use charcoal.
In addition to its superior taste, another benefit of charcoal is you can burn wood on top of it, which adds a succulent splash of smokey flavor. Hickory, mesquite, oak, pecan, and cherry are the most popular, but really, all kinds of different sticks and branches work just fine. (It’s an energy-efficient way to clean your yard.)
While you’re grilling food, you need the TV on. The rule is that you MUST keep the TV on a conservative channel (and, quite possibly, follow some of your favorite columnists on a live PJ Media blog). This needs to be an ironclad rule: Conservative TV channel ONLY.
At least, right until Trump wins.
That’s when you gleefully flip to CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, etc., to giggle at their mournful faces and blubbery tears.
Now, if you’re serving food, you’ve gotta serve some kind of beverage. Some people don’t like alcohol: They’re called Mormons.
But most people do like alcohol. So, if you’re throwing a booze-free party, that’s absolute, 100% your right, and God bless. Just let your guests know beforehand, because — depending on the results — people might really, REALLY need to drink.
If you do include alcohol, consider creating a few candidate-inspired drinks. Obviously, for Joe Biden, you’d serve a mind eraser. Trump doesn’t imbibe, but any drink with Goldschlager should work just fine. JD should be JD (duh!). For Tim Walz, something fruity. And for Kamala, make sure you include coconut.
Back in the “Before Time” — that ancient, mystical pre-COVID epoch — election parties would end when the losing candidate conceded. (In the '80s, that meant they ended before 8:45 pm!) But nowadays, with elections lasting longer than the Bataan Death March, your party ends whenever you feel like it. Call it home-field advantage: Your house, your food, your drinks, your rules.
So there you have it. Now, you can throw a winning election party!
And hopefully, Trump will give all of us something worth celebrating.
