Roger L. Simon

WIKILEAKS EXCLUSIVE: Aristophanes and Molière Preview the Coming Debate

In a Wikileaks Exclusive provided PJ Media by Julian Assange himself, we are proud to present the following preview dialogue concerning Sunday night’s presidential debate between the two greatest satiric playwrights of all time: Aristophanes — son of Philippus — and Jean-Baptiste Poquelin — aka Molière. The conversation took place in Cloud Cuckoo Land, an imaginary “perfect” city in the sky from Aristophanes’ play The Birds.

MOLIERE:  You’re the Greek, Ari.  Why did Zeus bring us together for this?  He’s interrupting my lunch.

ARISTOPHANES: He said we were the only ones who could possibly understand this colloquy of fools in Argentina.

MOLIERE: Argentina? Fils de pute. Il est aux États-Unis — the United States of America!

ARISTOPHANES: Oh, them.  Cassandra said they would be gone years ago.

MOLIÈRE: Well, they’re not.  Although they may be soon enough.

ARISTOPHANES:  Now that you mention it, Zeus did say something about the United Stares of America turning into Argentina. It’s hard to hear him over the thunder.  Anyway, he did give me two tablets with the biographies of the candidates — one is titled The Blowhard and the other The Liar. I’ve never seen him so upset.

MOLIERE:  What’s his problem?  He can have any woman he wants.

ARISTOPHANES:  Don’t start with the locker room talk, Jean.  You’ll confirm what everyone thinks of the French.  Zeus is getting pretty old.  He’s not as interested in that anymore.  He’s worried about the decline of democracy.  It’s a Greek thing.

MOLIÈRE: Then why doesn’t he take care of his own country?

ARISTOPHANES:  Zeus is a globalist.  You should know that.

MOLIÈRE:  Je m’en fous. Globalists are the problem.

ARISTOPHANES:  True enough. That’s what I told Zeus, but he wouldn’t listen. He thinks these United States determine everything.  If they go, the world falls over, including the globe Atlas holds in front of Rockefeller Center..

MOLIERE: Not even a star in the Guide Michelin.

ARISTOPHANES: You think you know everything.  Anyway, Zeus is very worried about Donald Trump.

MOLIERE: How so?

ARISTOPHANES:  He thinks he’s going to lose.

MOLIERE: Zeus wants Trump to win?

ARISTOPHANES: It’s the hypocrisy. There is nothing Zeus hates more than hypocrisy.

MOLIERE: The homage that vice pays to virtue.

ARISTOPHANES: Your Rochefoucauld said that.  Nice phrase, but it’s worse. This American election is dominated by hypocrites.  It will destroy the country.

MOLIERE:  Now just a minute. You thought this was all happening in Argentina.

ARISTOPHANES:  I was kidding.  I’m a satirist.

MOLIERE: So who are these hypocrites?

ARISTOPHANES: Zeus mentioned John Podesta, John Kasich–

MOLIERE:  They’re all named John?

ARISTOPHANES: He had hundreds of others. The entire media, he said, except for Sean Hannity.

MOLIERE: Zeus watches Fox News?

ARISTOPHANES:  Used to.  He’s fed up with them.  Zeus has a special line into everyone’s television and computer, more powerful than the NSA.  He says half the people condemning Trump for that video are spending six hours a day watching porn on the Internet.  That includes sixty-five percent of the lawyers at the Department of Justice.

MOLIERE: Ha!  I think I’ll write a play about that.

ARISTOPHANES:  Basically, you already have.

Unfortunately the download ended at this point.  We were fortunate enough to get this much. According to Julian Assange, he has only download one percent of PodestaEmails thus far. Stay tuned.

Roger L. Simon is an award-winning novelist, Academy Award-nominated screenwriter and co-founder of PJ Media.  His latest book is I Know Best:  How Moral Narcissism Is Destroying Our Republic, If  It Hasn’t Already.