News & Politics

Merry Trumpmas, America! It's Good News Everywhere You Look!

Donald Trump

The Trump tax cuts are a YUGE hit with corporations all across the fruited plains, bringing cash bonuses and raises to countless Americans just in time for Christmas. It’s an unbelievably exciting time to be alive and the winning just won’t stop. The corporations joining the celebration so far are AT&T, Boeing, Comcast, Fifth Third Bank, Sinclair—and the list is growing. Reddit is littered with personal stories of bonuses being handed out at companies that never gave bonuses before.  

Not only did Comcast give bonuses, but an employee called Rush Limbaugh to report that his whole office got a $1.50 an hour raise. Who could be upset about working Americans being gifted cash money? Never Trumpers, Democrats and their cohorts in the media, of course.

CALLER: Yeah. I had a quick comment about Comcast. It’s not just bonuses that they’re giving out. I received $1.50 an hour raise yesterday as well as 10 other folks in my office. So if they’re saying it’s just bonuses, it’s not. I mean, this is fantastic.

RUSH: Are you suspicious of it?

CALLER: Am I suspicious?

RUSH: Let me take you out of the equation. Let me just ask you this. Were there people in your office after the bonuses and raises were announced, were there people in your office who ran around saying, “This isn’t real. They’re just doing this to suck up to Trump. They’re just doing this for PR. They don’t really mean it.” Did you have anybody who reacted to it that way?

CALLER: Not in my office.

RUSH: Really? Really? Good, good. ‘Cause I would guess in your office, based on percentages, there’d be some leftist in there who would want to diminish this and try to cast it as something unreal. I mean, it’s real, but they want to tell you that Comcast really doesn’t mean it, they don’t really mean it, they’re just doing it to please Trump or whatever, you know, capitalize PR-wise.

Let me share this with you. Speaking of conservative intellectuals. I’m not gonna mention a name. It’s not the point. But this is a well-known, previously thought of as dynamic leader of the intellectual conservative so-called movement. Here’s the tweet. “Isn’t there something creepy about corporations giving cash bonuses to employees explicitly because of the passage of certain legislation or because of specific regulatory actions? Doesn’t it have something of a road to corporatist serfdom feel about it?” Did you have any reaction like that? Are you suspicious of this? Do you feel this is creepy?

CALLER: This isn’t creepy at all. It’s why we come to work.

RUSH: Were you surprised by it?

CALLER: Extremely. It was not announced. This is not the cost-of-living annual raise that we receive every year.

RUSH: Let me ask you this. Was there any whispering that this might happen if the tax bill passed? Had Comcast management whispered around and let it be known to you employees that if the tax bill passed, there might be some raises or a bonus?

CALLER: No.

RUSH: None?

CALLER: No whispering. There was nothing said. It was quite a shock yesterday.

I’m not nice enough to refrain from naming names. It was Bill Kristol. Never Trumper Bill Kristol thinks corporations giving Americans bonuses is creepy. He hates Trump so much he thinks you shouldn’t get a bonus because of “corporate serfdom,” which is both idiotic and imaginary. Nobody ever died in a gulag built by AT&T.

We are talking about real families with real debt and struggles who are going to be able to give their kids a nicer Christmas this year. These are people—the majority of whom can’t come up with $400 for an emergency—who are benefiting and the Never Trumpers and media talking heads want us to think it’s creepy. Screw these people. I’m happier than I’ve ever been thinking about all those Americans out there who just got a big beautiful bag of cash for Christmas thanks to our billionaire business mogul president who knows how to be a boss. That money is going to flood the economy, boosting retail sales and reverberating through the entire country. It’s good news everywhere you look!

The Obamacare mandate is dead, the market is roaring, unemployment is at record lows, retail sales are at record highs, ISIS is WASWAS, the federal bench is loaded with conservative judges, the UN Security Council (filled with human rights abusers) got humiliated by an American woman, it’s okay to be white, this gender non-specific person is probably still screaming, Hillary is never going to be our president, and we’re all getting bigger paychecks in February!

HALLELUJAH! PRAISE KEK! GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST, PEACE ON EARTH AND GOODWILL TO ALL OF YOU! MERRY TRUMPMAS EVERYONE!

If this is corporate collusion, we want more of it!

When Trump said he was going to make Christmas great again, we all thought he meant we would be saying “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.” And while that’s happened too (I haven’t heard “Happy Holidays” once this year), he pulled off so much more. The greatest gift President Trump gave us this year was optimism. This is what America looks and feels like when it’s great. Remember? Never Trumpers especially need to start apologizing and get on board. This train has no brakes and it’s a helluva ride!

If anybody needs me I’ll be dancing in my living room to this on repeat.