News & Politics

Brazilian President's Environmental Plan: 'Poop Every Other Day'

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro (AP Photo/Eraldo Peres)

Environmentalists have a lot of great ideas for saving the planet. Instead of eating cows and chickens, people should start eating bugs and maggots and worms. Instead of driving cars powered by gasoline, we should drive cars powered by electricity. Electricity that, um… just gets generated on its own, apparently? Anyway, unless we want the planet to die, we should all live like 12th-century peasants while the celebrities and politicians who keep scolding us are flying around in their private jets and doing whatever they want because they’re better than us.

But now there’s a preventative measure that all of us can abide by. Now there’s something we could all do. Or should I say… something we could not doo!

Get a load of this $#!+. AFP:

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested Friday that people “poop every other day” as a way to save the environment, after he came under fire for a surge in deforestation of the Amazon since he came to power…

“It’s enough to eat a little less. You talk about environmental pollution. It’s enough to poop every other day. That will be better for the whole world,” said Bolsonaro, who earlier this month sacked the head of a government agency that had reported a major increase in Amazon deforestation.

If you give a crap, it’s time to start taking fewer craps.

I wouldn’t normally share this sort of thing with you, Dear Reader, but I’m ashamed to admit that I did poop today. Twice, actually, because I thought I was done but then about 10 minutes later I realized I wasn’t. I’m part of the problem.

There must be a practical solution to this. There’s gotta be a way to wipe this problem out. Holding it in can work for a while, but eventually you’re going to end up being memorable for reasons you don’t really want. It’s no fun having the whole office call you “Brownie” and “Nuggets” and “Mr. Pooped His Pants in the Break Room.” Believe me, I know.

You can buy carbon credits to offset your carbon footprint or whatever. I don’t know how that whole thing works, but it makes rich people feel less guilty. Maybe somebody could start selling poop credits or something. If you can offset your greenhouse gases, you should be able to offset your other various gases. Call ’em offal offsets.

I mean… what else are you guano do?