News & Politics

Check Out How Obama and Michael Moore Are Couching Their Rhetoric

Michael Moore participates in the "We Stand United: New York Rally to Protect Shared Values" on Thursday, Jan.19, 2017, in New York. (Photo by Greg Allen/Invision/AP)

The Democrats are not having a lot of fun these days. They didn’t get the first female POTUS they wanted, even though she won the popular vote.* They’re convinced that Putin helped Trump steal the election or something, and they’re certain they’ll be able to prove it any day now. They watched helplessly as the Supreme Court seat that rightly belonged to Merrick Garland was stolen by a guy who thinks the Constitution is supposed to be taken literally. And now, with the impending retirement of Anthony Kennedy, Orange Hitler gets to pick another one! It’s a #woke nightmare. Nothing is going right for the left.

If you’re a Dem, this might be a good time to pause and reflect. You might take a quick break from the Resistance™ and run a little self-inventory. Think about the reasons you believe the things you do, and how you express those beliefs. Take another look at your ideas, and try to figure out whether they’ve ever, ever worked at any point in recorded history. Examine the rhetoric you use, and possibly fine-tune it a bit so it doesn’t completely alienate anybody who disagrees with you in the slightest.

Sure, you could do that. You could waste your time. But none of that is going to fix what’s happening to you. None of that is the real problem.

The real problem is… your furniture.

David Rutz at the Washington Free Beacon watched Stephen Colbert so you don’t have to:

Activist Michael Moore said he cries every day when he reads the news during an emotional interview on Thursday with late-night host Stephen Colbert…

“When are people going to get off the couch, and when are we going to rise up?” Moore asked. “The only way that we’re going to stop this is eventually we’re all going to have to put our bodies on the line. You’re going to have to be willing to do this.”

Moore didn’t specify what “this” is, but he seems to think your couch is keeping you from doing it. That’s the problem right there. Your damn couch!

And is there a more perfect messenger? When I look at Michael Moore, I see a guy who doesn’t spend a lot of time spreading his big fat ass on the sofa. This dude burns a lot of calories for Social Justice.

In a startling bit of synchronicity, Moore’s sentiment was echoed by the Greatest Black President in U.S. History. According to Edward-Isaac Dovere at Politico:

Barack Obama’s message to Democrats: Stop dreaming of him…

“Do not wait for the perfect message, don’t wait to feel a tingle in your spine because you’re expecting politicians to be so inspiring and poetic and moving that somehow, ‘OK, I’ll get off my couch after all and go spend the 15-20 minutes it takes for me to vote,’” Obama said in his first public comments in months, which only a few reporters and no cameras were allowed in for.

It can’t be a coincidence that two of the greatest living Americans are blaming your couch for your problems. This is a trend, and that means somebody needs to type some words about it on the Internet.

Mike and Barry are right. Why do we need couches anyway? If you want to sit, we’ve got these little things called, um, chairs. Maybe you’ve heard of ’em? And if you want to lie down, just go to bed. Boom, done. All you need to furnish your home is a chair and a bed. What’s up with having a piece of furniture that’s both and yet neither? What’s with this halfway crap? Make up your mind!

Why are we still building couches? Who thought this was a good idea?

I hereby call on our leaders to impose some common-sense couch control. I’m not saying we should take away everybody’s couches, but how about making it so tough to buy one that nobody can? How about imposing legal penalties on couch manufacturers?

Is your personal comfort really more important than America’s future?

We need sofa safety. We need loveseat laws. For the children.

Plus, when you move to a new apartment, those things are a bitch to move.

It’s time to start making #couchsense!

*Did you know that? Hillary Clinton won the popular vote. She won the popular vote! Now keep repeating that, and click your ruby slippers together three times.