How long until CHAZ or CHOP or whatever it is jumps the shark? Faster than a speeding uptwinkle! More powerful than a communal drum circle! Able to leap tall police horses in a single bound! It’s a bird … it’s a plane … it’s the CHAZ Conflict Resolution Council! Chief Seattle weeps.
NOTE: It remains unclear at the time of this writing whether this is real or just an expertly executed troll job. It’s sort of like the Babylon Bee, if it is a troll job. It’s impossible to tell. Real or not, it’s glorious.
A post appeared on Reddit yesterday that lays out the new Conflict Resolution Council at the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) in Seattle, where anarchists and antifa types have blocked off an area of city streets for … well .. the purpose remains unclear. But the mayor thinks it’s the Summer of Love, and City Council allowed them to take over the police precinct building, so they must have some purpose. It’s a leaderless movement, of course, but nonetheless a purpose does exist. Allegedly.
A post-capitalistic utopia has sprung up that some call a block party, while others think it more resembles a war zone. In this Summer of Love utopia, apparently conflicts have arisen. Is there a “warlord,” or is he simply a fellow traveler who wants the best for humanity?
Luckily, one of the folks living in the street commune took to Reddit to provide us the answers:
Clearing up the “Raz” disinformation, introducing the Conflict Resolution Advisory Council
We feel the need to address this because there’s a hella lot of misinformation on this sub.
Basically, Fox News has been saying Raz Simone (a resident artist) is our “leader” or “war lord” and he’s designating himself as the police force. This is all nonsense. Raz Simone is a peaceful supporter of the movement and a powerful shepherd, however he’s no more of a leader than you or me.
You may have heard there was an incident in which it appeared Raz shoved a graffiti artist who irresponsibly tagged over top of an established mural, however this isn’t entirely true. Both Raz and the “victim” have made up and there’s zero animosity. So it’s like it never happened.
Anybody who has visited the Zone knows it’s peaceful. It’s basically an impromptu organic community town square on Cap Hill, a place for art and music, and a safe space where people from all walks of society can peacefully demonstrate. ☂️
So let’s clear this up once and for all for all the trolls and pundits:
The Zone has no leadership. We have a decentralized local governance structure, and we oppose all hierarchical structures.
The fake stories are completely misrepresenting what we are about.
Well, that clears that up.
Except that conflicts have still continued, which means that a Conflict Resolution Council sprung up. Mind you, this is no hierarchical structure (the leaderless leaders oppose those). Here’s how it will work:
Introducing: Conflict Resolution Advisory Council
We will form a unique system called the Conflict Resolution Advisory Council.
We hold a community democratic vote to appoint three people to the Council. To eliminate prejudice, we elect one Black man, one Black woman, and one white woman. Each person should undergo at least one 45 minute sensitivity and political training session which we can help organize.
Whenever there is an internal conflict in the Zone, it will be put to the Council. Both people will have an opportunity to present their side of the story to the Council to review.
The Council members will decide on a fair resolution and provide it as advice. Initially the Council will be advisory only. In the future the system could evolve to become more mature with binding resolutions, impositions, retribution, enforcement, and imprisonment.
The appointed people will hear out and settle any internal disputes within the Zone. We’re not suggesting that this Council members become leaders or judges, only referees in case of internal conflicts.
Didn’t they oppose law enforcement? Never mind.
Some of the comments led the Redditor, moeys91, to add some edits to the Council explanation. These are gold, folks:
Edit 1: After receiving feedback about inclusiveness we shall include in the council one Black man, one Black woman, one trans Black person, one non-binary Black person,
and one white woman( 54 people).
Edit 2: On more feedback we will add to the Council 1 Asian non-male, 1 Native American non-male, and 1 Latinx non-male, and then 4 additional Black men and women to balance it out. In total there are 3 + 4 + 4 = 11 members.
Edit 3: We’ve received some feedback about including disabledpersons (mental and physical) and homelesspersons on the Council. 20% or 40% of the Council should be persons with lived experience of disability. At least 10% should be experiencing involuntary homelessness.
Edit 4: We realize LGBTQIA communities are being under-represented in the Council so far and are working on proposals to rectify this. The final composition of the balanced Council will likely include 10-50% people who identify as LGBTQIA.
Edit 5: We have agreed to add 3 more seats, two of which are to give a voice to the disadvantaged LGBTQIA community, and one to give children equal representation and fairness. The new seats include one for a LGBTQI-identifying Black disabledperson, one for a LGBTQI-identifying Black homelessperson, and one for a non-white or mixed race child between the ages of 8 and 15.
These edits perfectly illustrate how tied up in knots these people get when they try to fill out their intersectionality bingo cards. That they feel it vital to include a child should give the reader a window into the collective psyche that made Greta Thunberg a worldwide phenomenon.
But wait, the further edits get EVEN BETTER.
Edit 6: There have been further concerns raised over the efficacy of the Council to deal with disputes between children, as children are currently not adequately represented. In light of the feedback, we will add child safety training programs to the onboarding session and add one additional seat for another non-white or mixed race child between the ages of 8 and 15 (preferably disabled).
So to deal with conflicts between children on the Council, they’ve added more children to the Council. Okay.
It may come as a surprise that the comments kept coming, despite the Council’s best effort to satisfy every subgroup.
Edit 7: We’ve heard your concerns about the Asian non-male seat representing all Asian subgroups as if they are a monolithic identity. That wasn’t our intention. We will replace the Asian non-male seat with 12 mini-seats for each of the following Asian non-male identities: Chinese, Filipino, Vietnamese, Korean, Japanese, Cambodian, Taiwanese, Malaysian, Mongolian, Okinawan, Singaporean, and wildcard (any Asian identity, except Korean-American). The mini-seats will collectively hold the voting power of one seat.
That should end well.
But wait, there’s more. Still not everyone has a seat at the table, including violent criminals.
Edit 8: We’ve been told that our Council under-represents those with a criminal record or incarceration experience, as white culture allows people to suffer a particular disadvantage because of past convictions. The Council will mandate that more than 25% of its members must have a violent criminal history with previous or current incarceration experience.
Not just a criminal history, but a violent criminal history. Because armed burglars should be in charge of things, obvs.
What? We’re still not done with the difficult makeup of the Council?
Edit 9: Some women have expressed to us that they wouldn’t feel comfortable presenting a case involving a sexual offence to a Council that is partly made up of criminals with a history of committing sexual offences. We are placing a cap of 50% on the proportion of Council members who have performed one or more premeditated sexual assaults or rapes in the preceding twelve months. Homelesspersons and disabledpersons are exempt from this cap.
That seems prudent. You wouldn’t want more than 50% of the Conflict Resolution Council made up of rapists. Of course, homelesspersons [sic] and disabledpersons [sic] don’t count because it’s not their fault if they rape someone, apparently.
Keep it tuned to this station. Further edits are bound to be forthcoming, and we will update them as they happen.
Jeff Reynolds is the author of the book, “Behind the Curtain: Inside the Network of Progressive Billionaires and Their Campaign to Undermine Democracy,” available now at www.WhoOwnsTheDems.com. Jeff hosts a podcast at anchor.fm/BehindTheCurtain. You can follow him on Twitter @ChargerJeff.