We all know they’re going to do it.
Even if Joe Biden weren’t a doddering, senile, incontinent old codger — if he were young and coherent — he’s still an irrecoverably unpopular failure as a leader. He’s indelibly linked with the sight of desperate Afghans falling off a fleeing American aircraft, endless footage of endless new taxpayer-dependents streaming into the country, empty store shelves, exquisitely high fuel prices, and America’s enemies romping around the globe. That’s more baggage than just about anyone could drag over the finish line.
He’s ballot-box poison, and he’s got to go.
The timing is predictable enough. The 2022 midterms are expected to be a bloodbath for the left, so Biden will be propped up in office for the time being. In less than a year, he will become the face of a party completely rejected by the American people. Not only will jettisoning him at that point become a political necessity, it will also serve a purpose. By removing Biden as its standard-bearer, the Democrats can also shed voters’ negative associations of failure with their brand. They’ll have their eyes fixed firmly on 2024 at that point, and it will be time to start building up some incumbency — and that will not, no way, no how, include Slow Joe. So, we can expect the ax to fall in late 2022 or early 2023.
All that remains to be decided is how the deed will be done. Here are some possibilities:
Get Joe to Fall on His Sword
If the midterms are as catastrophic for the Dems as people think they’re going to be, that may be Biden’s cue to split. In a thoughtful, steely-eyed address to the nation from his fake Oval Office set, the president could tell us he’s thought hard (as if he were still capable of such a feat) and prayed on it, and that he thinks his leadership isn’t what his party needs at this point, and because he’s such a great patriot and all that, he feels it’s best to step aside and let “the new faces of America” take the wheel. Democrats will once again get to play the Historic™ (everybody do a shot) card, and Biden will depart among countless media encomia for his country-first selflessness.
Likelihood: 1 of 5 — Biden may be addled, but he still has a politician’s ego.
A Medical Excuse
Guys who are Biden’s age and in his manifest state of decline are prone to medical problems. So, no one would be surprised if there came a White House notice that the president would be making a very special primetime announcement. For this one, the fake Oval Office setting would be eschewed in favor of a fireside sofa, with Joe’s doting wife beside him. The president would bravely tell America of the diagnosis that prevents him from continuing his selfless service as leader of the free world, and Jill would stroke his hand tenderly during the difficult remarks.
Likelihood: 4 of 5 — Biden already explicitly said this was an option in a Dec. 2020 interview:
Let the Republicans Do It
Democrats can’t stand it when Republicans “shatter norms” and act in an “unprecedented” manner. Therefore, the new Republican majority should be sure to observe congressional customs. One popular new custom is impeaching the president, and they should get cracking on that the very second they are sworn in. Unlike Pelosi’s hate-impeachments of President Trump, Biden has committed enough high crimes and misdemeanors to be removed from office many times over. My personal favorite is his subversion of U.S. immigration law with his policy of distributing illegal aliens around the country at taxpayers’ expense, complete with housing, medical care, and their own pre-paid iPhones. It might be tricky to get the required 67 senators on board to actually remove the guy, but then again, there may be enough vulnerable Democrats up for reelection in 2024 that it could happen — especially if they’re given behind-the-scenes orders to do it.
Likelihood: 2 of 5 — History-minded Democrats may not want to add one of their own to that very short list of infamy.
Related: Five Impeachable Offenses of Joe Biden
Turn the Media Loose on Biden Sex-Assault Complaints
Tara Reade’s harrowing story of a stomach-turning sexual assault perpetrated on her by then-Senator Joe Biden was naturally hushed by the mainstream media, along with the emergence of the laptop from hell. Reade’s story has teeth that flaky Christine Blasey Ford’s did not, notably contemporaneous corroboration in the form of a conversation with a neighbor and a call in to Larry King’s television show by Reade’s late mother. To get rid of Biden, the Democrats need only follow their own SOP: sic the media on the story, gin up outrage, and then have Biden utter clichés about being innocent, Reade having the right to be heard, and not wanting to be a distraction from the hard work his party is doing for the American people. He’ll also throw in some sexual misconduct accusations against Trump for good measure.
Likelihood: 4 of 5 — This tactic has served the Democrats well over the years, even against their own. See: Cuomo, Andrew.
Pillow Over the Face
NOTE TO SECRET SERVICE, FBI, AND LUNATICS: THIS IS A SPECULATIVE, SEMI-SATIRICAL ARTICLE. THIS IS NOT A CALL FOR PRESIDENT BIDEN TO BE HARMED. I CATEGORICALLY REJECT THAT AS AN ACTUAL OPTION.
This method has the added benefit of a Democrat president dying in office. Pomp! Circumstance! Lying in state! Voter sympathy! And of course, the rehabilitative magic an in-office death works on a dismal record. Democrats will get to hold one of their repugnant funeral-cum-political rallies, and Saint Joe’s sacred memory will be invoked constantly in the 2024 election season.
Likelihood: 5 of 5 if Hillary is running; 1 of 5 otherwise.
