Step aside, Halloween, Independence Day is my new favorite holiday. Not only because it marks the birth of our nation, the greatest, freest nation to exist, but because it makes Antifa, communists, progressives — including my salad-dodging, part-time working, Vox-reading, freakshow cousin — salivatingly, like billy-o, insane.
REMINDER-O-RAMA! You may recall, during Grace on Thanksgiving last year, surrounded by family, we were each asked to say what we were grateful for, and I said "Trump!" The aforementioned obeast said "NOPE!" and stormed out, leaving a wheelbarrow's worth of delicious leftovers for the rest of us.
I set that fatty acid off with one syllable. And that was me being nice.
Then Trump took office and pardoned the J6ers, meaning I don't have to play nice now. Where's the whisky......
RELATED: My Long J6 Nightmare Is Finally Over (I Hope)
FACT-O-RAMA! After spending several years staying up until 7:00 am in clothing in case of a early morning raid, and getting peppered by miscreants threatening to rape mi querida while I am in prison, you'll understand that, thought I am grateful to have never being arrested for my alleged peaceful actions on Jan. 6, I'm really angry at the Democrat apparatchiks in our nation, especially those I am related to. Sic semper tyrannus, you filthy communist stains of feculence.
But hey, why should I have all the fun? I suspect many of you will have to spend Independence Day with some consanguineous she-hag, and her impuissant, testicle-hating mollycoddle. No more Mr. Nice Guy! Let's mess with them, mock them, and chase them from our lives forever!
ELDER-O-RAMA! As the oldest living male Downey in my family shrub, I have learned that after the previous generation passed, there was no one left to "Remind me to be nice to the pinkos," as my understanding mother would say.
So if you are ready, willing, and able to part ways with the deathlessly miserable Democrats in your life, let's get started!
Dress to Annoy
The first step to a successful Independence Day shebang/hebang/they/thembang is to dress the part. You want to wear something that honors the celebration — the birth of our glorious nation — yet you want to also pull off the greatest comedic achievement that exists, eliciting a response without uttering a word. Meaning, make them angry just by looking at you.
That said, I have gone through my vast collection of patriotic hats and shirts, and selected the following you will see below.
Don't choose your Independence Day adventure, choose mine!
Select which hat and which shirt I should wear for maximum, commie fury!
(WARNING — I am REALLY going to do this, and will provide pics as proof)!
Pick the hat and shirt (feel free to mix and match) that I should wear to infuriate the lib dolts on Independence Day, and I will DO IT! pic.twitter.com/QWP4kuq0Te
— The Kevin Downey, Jr. Show Mon- Fri. 9-11 am EST! (@KDJRadioShow) June 28, 2025
Now that you are dressed to kill, you will need a plan. I don't know about you, but my best plans always involve my two most trusted and reliable friends, deoch an doris.
Get Drunk
No legendary story has ever started with, "So I was sober as a judge, and then,...".
Drink bourbon. It's an American libation, and we are celebrating AMERICA. Also, it's a convenient excuse for bad behavior, especially if you live in South Carolina.
DIPSO-RAMA! Step aside, Wisconsin, South Carolina has the most DUIs per capita.Try harder, Cheeseheads. Actually, DON'T.
Meat/The Beetles
Real Americans will spend this wondrous holiday eating hot dogs, burgers, steaks, ribs, and, if you're a Ted Nugent fan (like me), any living thing that foolishly wandered in front of your rifle scope.
The pink-haired sissy-Mary in your life will likely be repulsed by such a menu, BUT I have learned that adding an extra meat, especially a cute animal such as lamb, drives your vegan-in-law up the pole. Also, any unusual meat, like ostrich, elk, alligator, and bison, is sure to send them to Cray-crayville.
Hand your commie cousin a platter of chips and "dip" made of dung beetles, and remind them that cows are killing the environment, and you wouldn't want them to feel guilty for contributing to "climate change."
PRO-TIP-O-RAMA! Sprinkling bits of bacon into your potato salad, mac and cheese, etc., will ensure your anticapitalistic Auntie will have nothing to eat and no reason to return to your home ever again.
Entertainment
This party will (hopefully) be the last time your pinko kin come around, so make sure to send a message.
Playing Jason Aldean's "Try That in a Small Town" is a great way to kick things off.
But nothing hurts a snowflake more than invading their space. So be sure to remind your targets that Trump pulled more black, male voters than any Republican since Eisenhower, and belt out some pro-Trump rap ditties.
As a 59-year-old white guy, I am not into rap or hip hop. Honestly, I don't know the difference between the two. I DO know that Trump had a bunch of rappers swing for him in the 2024 election, so choose some tunes from this list of rap icons.
Whatever you do, blast this song:
FACT-O-RAMA! If local laws allow, set up a shooting range on your property and teach the youngsters how to shoot. Nothing infuriates a communist like watching the next generation learn to defend Old Glory.
I think I've covered all the ways to drive the pinko stinkos out of your life. If you have more, please leave them in the comments!
Most importantly, don't let the gutless Marxists ruin your Independence Day party!
Let me know how it goes!
