New Year's Resolutions for All Americans

So we just finished up another decade. I don’t know about you guys, but I thought it was a ton of fun. It did go on a little long, though. And while it did have a lot of action, I didn’t quite follow the plot the whole time. Still, I think it’s a nice start to improve upon for the next nine decades of this century.


Anyway, it’s our civic duty as Americans to make each year even more awesome than the last. This is how we pay tribute to the sacrifices of our forefathers. And while we haven’t quite done that the past few years, it is something we should continue to strive for. So, to contribute to that, I have written some New Year’s resolutions for all of America.

Try to owe fewer dollars in debt than there are stars in the known universe.

Let’s try and set a realistic goal here. We have a liberal president and a liberal Congress, so debt is going to increase. They just love spending too much. But let’s at least keep the debt from being so large it collapses upon itself into a singularity and destroys the solar system.

Try to check the plausibility of events before creating a media firestorm.

“Oh no! A kid in a runaway balloon! How could this happen to a family of media whores?”

While continuing to trust science, let’s make sure the scientists we’re getting it from aren’t douche nozzles.

I like science — we all like science — but if we’re going to throw a huge wrench into our economy, let’s make sure it’s not on the advice of scientists who treat data like a used-car salesman treats an old Chevy.

Next time we pick a leader, let’s make sure he has more qualifications than a bunch of empty slogans of the sort you’d use to sell carbonated beverages.


Yeah, we won’t get a chance in the next year, but let’s try and do that at least once this next decade. It’s hard, but we can do it. Yes we can.

If we have another economic crisis, let’s not hand a blank checkbook to a bunch of Democrats.

Politicians love spending money — Democrats especially. If we had a problem of having way too much money and needed to get rid of it quickly, you’d be a fool to elect anyone other than Democrats. But if the problem is that we’re running out of money, it may be a bad idea to put Democrats in charge, because their solution to having too little money will inevitably be to spend more money.

Try and make sure tax money isn’t going towards child prostitution.

You know how I mentioned that Democrats love to spend money? Apparently they don’t even really care where. Thus we have ACORN, which apparently has no problem using our tax money for things like prostitution. So maybe in the future, we can keep a closer eye on things and try not to let that happen. In the least, let’s have the government finish filling in all the pot holes first, and after that we’ll see if there’s any money left in the budget for child prostitution.

Let’s have fewer obese children.

I think everyone agrees that there are way too many fat kids. Studies have shown that too many fat kids leads to civil unrest, melting of polar ice caps, gingivitis, biblical apocalypses, and a scarcity of Cheetos. We all have to work hard to make kids less fat. My idea is to help them get exercise by wearing a scary mask and chasing them.


Have fewer movies where the military are the bad guys.

I know everyone hates the military. They’re always going out there and risking their lives so we can lead cushy lives in safety. That’s why they’re so often portrayed as villains in movies. But maybe we can give them a break and have someone else be the villain in the movie. Maybe like Middle Eastern terrorists. If Hollywood thinks a villain like that would be hard to believe, they can just classify the movie as sci-fi.

If we start a war, let’s finish it.

No more starting a war and then later whining, “This is too hard! Let’s quit!” Either we don’t start wars, or we see them through to the end without complaining. And it just looks odd that the ones complaining most about wars are the ones who aren’t even getting shot at.

Elect people who aren’t complete morons.

I know we make this resolution every year, but let’s keep it this time. Apparently, smart people have better things to do than be politicians, so we have cases like Orlando where I guess the only one not too busy to be a congressman was Alan Grayson, who was just standing on the side of the road shouting obscenities at passing cars. We need a better way than that to find elected officials.

Let’s stand up for freedom.

America is supposed to be about freedom, so when a wannabe, socialist dictator is legally thrown out in a South American country or people protest a sham election in Iran, let’s stand up for them … or at least not actively work against them. I guess that’s mainly a resolution for Obama; he’s probably a little tepid on democracy considering that it’s soon going to turn around and bite him, but stick with it, big guy!


Keep a cheery attitude.

Yeah, things have seemed pretty bleak lately with unemployment and wars and a president who seems to know less about helping an economy than the average community organizer. But as bad as things are, they could be a lot worse. So don’t act like it’s the end of the world; it’s not like we’re now Canada or something.

Happy New Year! Be awesome!


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