We Can't Have Kids Because Global Warming and Other Paranoias

As a Gen-X/Millennial crossover, I have a number of friends who claim they don’t want children of their own. None of them can give a solid reason why. Most of them express fear of puking while pregnant or screwing their kid up for life as if they’re living in a television-reality of their own making. Some of their reasons are echoed among the 11 reasons Millennials don’t want kids according to Mic.com, along with a few even nuttier explanations as to why young folks are just too darned practical to procreate.

Numbers 2 and 3 seem to be intertwined:

2. There’s a strong fear of passing down mental health issues.

3. The population is already out of control.

Who knew the global warming crowd would be an effective method of birth control? Forget the fact that the birth rate in the Western world has steadily decreased as social and economic pressures have forced women into the workplace. Cecil the Lion was killed and there’s a hole in the ozone! Stop birthing this plague called humanity now! (And make an appointment with your shrink for a refill while you’re at it.)

Then, of course, there’s the massive “pressure” that comes with having children (obviously we’re not talking the ring of fire here):

6. With kids comes the pressure to make perfect choices.

Pressure from whom? Your buddies on Instagram? The trendy Kim Kardashian? Your mother-in-law? And now we suddenly know why a generation has decided to camp out in their parents’ basements: They listened to all those pro-failure speeches at graduation and are convinced they might as well not even try. Hence,

8. The world isn’t always a nice place.

Say the people who define humanity as the #1 killer of the planet.

In the end, the most “brutally honest” reason why Millennials don’t want kids?

11. Ultimately, a reason shouldn’t even be necessary.

And I thought Gen-X was supposed to be the slacker generation. In one line you’re worrying about what everyone else thinks and in another you’re claiming not to give a damn? If you’re that ambivalent you shouldn’t have children. Kids need role models and apparently some Millennials just don’t make the cut.