Forget Gold, Buy Twinkies and Bullets

Why hedge the coming economic collapse with GOLD when you can do it with Twinkies?

With tens of millions of people out of work, utterly stagnant economic growth, and increasing government intervention (always an economy killer, duh! If it wasn’t an economic disaster the USSR would be the most successful country on earth and instead it’s not doing very well gone! Or North Korea, you know, that bastion of central planning and control, better known as the country that doesn’t have any lights! But I digress…), many Americans are worried about what to do if and when an economic collapse occurs. All the experts on TV and in the papers are saying inflation and other dire consequences are imminent, and they seem to have some evidence to back it up.

How does the average person plan for this? How does one prepare for Argentinian-style economic collapse? Myriad ads tell us to buy gold. Gold is a great hedge for inflation, it used to be our money and it was stable, yadda yadda yadda. I have to admit, gold is shiney and pretty, which is a point in it’s favor. But we no longer have an infrastrucure for using gold as money and it would take some time for that to redevelop; in the meantime you might be starving. It’s much better to hoard Twinkies and bullets.

I always enjoy a Twinkie after a tough day of rioting.

Why Not Gold?

The price of gold is already sky high because of all the people who got there before you did, so you’re not going to get a good deal on gold today. Let’s just assume for a moment that the government isn’t going to seize it anyway by taxing it into their pockets… okay, that’s too unrealistic. Forget that.

You say you’ve hidden away coins? Well, that will protect you from our government’s insatiable thirst for its citizens’ stuff, but how will you use that gold to feed your family in the worst-case scenario? Those gold bullion coins bought for a premium from Home Shopping Network and kept in your bedroom safe are not going to buy you a carton of eggs. They’re more likely to get you a vacant stare from the egg farmer as he wonders what he’s supposed to do with a gold coin, or a visit from your neighborhood gang because now you’re known as the “guy with gold.” Congratulations. You have no eggs and no gold either.

Too bad we lost the art of biting into gold to tell how pure it is, then maybe you could use these coins in a collapse.

Other Goods that Won’t Work

Alcohol – Too easy to manufacture.

Coffee – Too perishable.

Bottled Water – Too much of a luxury item and then there’s that whole boiling thing that makes sanitizing your water easy. Also it’s heavy.

Why Twinkies? Click to the next page to find out!
Why Twinkies?

There are many reasons why Twinkies might just be the best place to put your money to help you retain your wealth and deal with post-collapse difficulties. To begin with, Twinkies enjoy a guaranteed, consistent high demand. People love Twinkies. When the manufacturer goes out of business in the Great Triple Dip Recession, demand for Twinkies will skyrocket! Food commodities in general will be priced at a premium. I think it’s safe to say the value of Twinkies will match inflation at a minimum since no matter what the economy does everyone has to eat. Therefore it’s likely to be a stable good with which to trade.

Twinkies are lightweight, easy to transport, and small, making them ideal for trading with local neighbors for items you need, like candles and real food. Further, Twinkies aren’t likely to attract the attention of your local gangster egg farmer making you a target. And as any zombie apocalypse survivor knows, Twinkies are so full of preservatives, they last forever. You can count on them to never spoil, and possibly even to float in the event of a flood.

You can always eat them yourself if the collapse never comes — bonus! Wondering how you will eat all those Twinkies? It’s surprising how exciting Twinkies can be in the kitchen. Just be careful, because medical care is now government medical care, so clogging your arteries is probably not a good idea.

Side benefit: there’s the whole Twinkie Defense thing made famous by Dan White, the guy who murdered Harvey Milk. Too much sugar can cause you to do all kinds of crazy stuff, the worst of which is to eat more sugar, but murdering someone is a definite possibility, especially if that someone is holding a doughnut with your name on it. If there’s any law left, the Twinkie Defense might come in handy. As a “Twinkie hoarder,” the insanity plea is not so incredible in your case.

Why Bullets?

As things get worse, demand for bullets will go up. There are two reasons to have bullets when the country declines: to protect what’s yours or to take what’s someone else’s. In either case, you need bullets. Am I right? The demand on either side helps create the demand on the other side. You will make a killing having stocked up in advance.

The supply of bullets will be limited in economic collapse. Difficult to manufacture by hand, machine-made bullets are a limited supply, especially when those machines are nationalized by the government and bullets probably outlawed for citizens to purchase anyway.

Small and easy to transport, even more so than Twinkies, each bullet is already worth a lot in today’s money, and I imagine its value will go up alongside the dollar’s inflation and probably do better than that based on the higher demand and low supply.

Instead of the guy with gold or even Twinkies, you will be known as the guy “with the bullets” and no one will mess with that guy. Where there’s bullets, there’s guns.


Sunny Lohmann is a regular humor columnist for PJ Media and PJ Lifestyle. Her political satire videos have gotten a lot of attention in the blogosphere. Find out more about Sunny by checking out her blog, House of Sunny, follow her on Facebook here, and enjoy her most recent Youtube videos here. She tweets @sunnylikeaboss.

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