It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn what not to do in the Dollar General arts and crafts aisle, why the chicken shouldn't cross the road, and when France Man has had enough of that Palestine stuff.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man suspected of DUI gets in passenger seat, pretends to be asleep
You know when you're driving so drunk that people call the police?
No? Just Florida Man then.
Police were on the lookout after getting tipped off, and spotted Florida Man "driving and yelling out the driver's side window."
I suspect Florida Man spotted the cops because he suddenly slowed down, made a sharp left turn into a parking lot, slipped over into the passenger seat, and pretended to be asleep.
All with the police watching.
Exit quote: "Officials said Florida Man's act wouldn't have worked anyway because he was the only person in the car."
Or maybe that's just what he wants you to think
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Getting Caught Stupidly, Should Have Taken the L, Instant Karma.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
He Really Loves Those Low Prices
Florida Man arrested again for masturbating in Dollar General
"Again."
For the second time in less than a week.
Florida Man with his thing in his hand.
And a witness.
In the arts and crafts aisle*.
Um... at least it was at a different Dollar General?
SCORE: Public Nudity, Surveillance Video, Recidivism, Dollar General, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, plus a bonus point for somehow managing to get that excited in the arts and crafts aisle.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
*Worst "Clue" solution ever.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Migration Doomed the European Project
Man's Got to Know His Limitations
Well, this one was unexpected:
Just days after Florida’s tough new Super Speeder law came into effect, a Miami man made headlines not for breaking the law, but for what he decided to do instead. Faced with the threat of jail time for driving over 100 miles per hour, the man took to Reddit to announce he was putting his prized Lamborghini up for sale. His reason was as blunt as it was unexpected—he wasn’t afraid of the fines, but he had no interest in spending a single night in jail.
"She’s gotta go," Florida Man wrote in his listing for the Lambo. "Florida wants to lock me up for doing what she was born to do."
We may never see his like again, but why do I feel like we haven't seen the last of this Lamborghini?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Élan, Way to Take the L, Went Viral, and a first-ever bonus point for Acceptance.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man In Buick Envision Arrested Under New Speeding Law Only Two Minutes After It Went Live
In a Buick, really? The same week that the other guy put his Lamborghini up for sale?
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're tooling around Key West and there's this chicken trying to cross the road and you don't even ask why you just stop your car and give it a chance to do its thing when out of nowhere this other car blows past you and runs over the chicken so now it doesn't even matter why it was trying to cross the road but you're going to show that other driver some manners so you floor the pedal and chase down the other car until you get in front of it and do one of those cool moves where you block the road and then you get out and you try to open that chicken-killer woman's door and the two of you are fighting over the door but for whatever reason she won't let go so you grab your bear spray and you spray it all over her and her passenger too so now that you've taught her a lesson you drive away but then the cops pull you over and stick you in jail even though you aren't the one that killed a chicken.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Dangerous Wildlife (heh), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Instant Karma (for the chicken killer), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Me, if I ever tried running a regular marathon.
Florida Man, 80, becomes oldest to run ‘world’s toughest’ race in Death Valley
Maybe not a traditional tale of heroism with saved lives, rescued puppies, etc. — but I love this story.
Last week, Bob Becker of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, became one of 93 people to complete the ultramarathon course – which covers 135 miles, beginning 282ft below sea level in California’s sweltering Death Valley and climbing to 8,360ft at the trailhead to Mt Whitney, the highest point in the contiguous United States.
In the course of the race, which has taken place each July since the 1980s, contestants can face temperatures of more than 120F (49C).
Becker is no stranger to setting records on the Badwater 135 course. In 2015, at the age of 70, he became the oldest person to complete the “Badwater Double” – turning around to run back to the race’s beginning after completing the official 135-mile event. He had previously completed the Badwater 135 in 2008 and 2014.
Contestants must finish the Blackwater 135 in 48 hours. In 2022, Becker fell just 17 minutes short of that cutoff. This year, he completed the race with about three hours to spare.
Read that again. Becker cut more than 2.5 hours off his previous time. At the age of 80.
Exit quote: “Bob is younger at 80 than he was at 77, three years ago. You can be younger by tomorrow if you trust and do the work!”
That's some inspiring stuff.
SCORE: The Elderly, and the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Great Train Hijacking
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 28 points for a respectable average of 5.6.
Meanwhile, in France...
A Free Palestine activist stormed the Tour de France course wearing a keffiyeh to protest the Israeli team. Security grabbed him by the ears and threw her over the barriers. pic.twitter.com/fG3uLehxkn
— Open Source Intel (@Osint613) July 18, 2025
I've had this video on repeat all morning.
A clip like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
