It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how to hijack a train, how not to hitchhike with UPS, and the surprising way a freezer can be used as a weapon.
(Don't miss this Florida Man Friday or another one ever again with this 60% off VIP membership offer.)
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
There could be only one choice for the top story this week, and I'd like to thank literally everyone who sent it to me. Which would be literally everyone. You guys are the best.
So Florida Man celebrated his 57th birthday the way so many of us do, by getting high on meth, hijacking one of those trackless tourist trains, taking it for a joyride across Key West, encouraging some more tourists to hop on board.
Did I mention it was also Independence Day? MURICA!
Police had no trouble ID’ing the Florida Man because before stealing the train, he left his Kia running and the music blasting.
This bit from the New York Post will live forever:
The confused employee was left in the dust when Florida Man allegedly sped away, thinking that surely the stranger must’ve had permission to take the train.
He did not have permission to take the train, police said.
Florida Man insisted to police he only “borrowed” the train, and reminded them that “today is [my] birthday."
"Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what the police didn't say before slapping him with charges for burglary, grand theft auto, and possession of drug paraphernalia.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Went Viral, Vehicular Madness, Élan, Stolen Police Car Train, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, and a bonus Happy Birthday point.
TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Now that's what I'm talking about.
Hitchin' a Ride
Florida Man clings to back of moving UPS truck to avoid deputies
There isn't a whole lot to this next report, but that police dashcam screencap of Florida Man chilling on the back of a UPS truck makes it a worthy addition.
So Florida Man was quietly shoplifting about $1,500 worth of stuff from Lowe’s, which, judging by my last trip there, was maybe three 2 x 4s. He got caught, dumped his loot, ran off before the police could arrive, and made his escape via UPS.
He wasn't even properly labeled for shipment.
Somebody noticed, called the police, and the inevitable arrest went down easily.
SCORE: Élan, Caught on Video, Fleeing the Scene, Vehicular Madness, Way to Take the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: How the Trump Team Lost the Epstein Narrative
Delusions of Grandeur
Florida receptionist arrested for spending $400K overpayment
You know how sometimes your company starts paying more than seven times your actual salary for almost a year, and you tell yourself it's just a bonus and spend the hell out of all that extra cash?
No?
Just Florida Woman then:
According to a police report obtained by the Daily Mail, Florida Woman was hired at a $60,000 salary, but a payroll mix-up caused her to receive the paycheck of a veterinarian with a $450,000 salary.
She allegedly spent the extra cash on luxury goods from Coach and Michael Kors, furniture, restaurant meals, and thousands in Zelle transfers to someone listed as “Mama Dukes.” Reports also say she used $80,000 to buy a food truck for a family friend, and sent a significant amount overseas to Argentina to build a house.
Florida Woman eventually confessed after being confronted by the unpaid veterinarian, who only realized something was wrong when her credit cards were declined and she reviewed her accounts.
Exit question: Would you take your dog to a vet who was so oblivious she could go almost a year missing hundreds of thousands of dollars without noticing it?
Second exit question: Does $450,000 help explain why it cost me more than $1,200 to get my dog's tooth pulled?
SCORE: Likely Story, Criminal Mastermind, Impersonation, and a WTF Were You Even THINKING? for the clueless vet.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida 'highly intoxicated' Man arrested after allegedly throwing concrete, pipe, machete at victim
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man allegedly fires flare gun at deputy, removes pants, throws money at him
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business walking home shirtless on Highway 19 at four in the morning because maybe you've been drinking or doing some other stuff that maybe you shouldn't when this nosy deputy drives up behind you as though you don't have the situation under control but that's OK because you might not know where your shirt is but you do have this flare gun so you shoot it at the cop car but instead of going away and just letting you walk home the cop starts getting out of the car but you only had the one flare so you take off your pants which really seemed to make sense at the time and throw some money at him because maybe that will distract him but instead he tases you but you just pull the taser probes out so then he tases you again and you pull out the second set of probes too but by then you're pretty beat and the cop manages to get the cuffs on you and then you've got no shirt no flares no pants no money and no way home because you're in this jail cell on all these charges.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Tasered (times two!), Assaulting a Cop, Public Nudity, Resisting, Should Have Taken the L, Dashcam.
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Dad jumps in to save daughter who fell overboard from Disney cruise ship near Fort Lauderdale
Wow:
As first reported by The Street, the child went overboard during the final leg of the cruise, and her father immediately leapt in after her. Passengers who spoke with CBS News Miami said he treaded water for more than 10 minutes.
An emergency alert sounded through the ship as crew members launched a rescue boat and tossed life preservers into the water.
"The ship was moving quickly, so quickly, it's crazy how quickly the people became tiny dots in the sea, and then you lost sight of them. The captain slowed the ship and turned it around, and then they deployed a tender ship with people on it to go get them, and we saw them rescue the dad and daughter," passenger Laura Amador said.
According to the report, "only 17 to 25 percent of people survive once they go overboard, so the fact that both of them were found and rescued is honestly a testament to the Disney staff that was able to save them."
The story doesn't say whether or not the dad is actually from Florida, but he's an honorary Florida Man today.
SCORE: Cruise Ship, Water Hazard, the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to the dad, and I have to award three more to the fast-acting crew of the Disney Dream for a total of eight.
RUNNING TOTAL: 33 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Nude, Drunk, and Covered in Mud Is No Way to Go Through Life
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 33 points for a near-record average of 6.6.
Well done, Florida Man and Woman.
Meanwhile, in Georgia...
Georgia Man charged with throwing deep freezer at victim, causing him to fall into Lake Lanier
To be fair, before throwing a chest freezer at a guy on a boat, Georgia Man did strip all his clothes off.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
