Now that Biden has relegated the United States to toilet status, I was wondering if a patriot can wear a MAGA hat in public without being covered in insults and spit. One would think the MAGA hat would be a welcome sight these days, not just as a reminder of the good ole days of cheap gas and mean tweets, but also as a harbinger of better times to come in exactly 945 days (217 days until the 2022 midterms). Yes, I’m counting.
I further posit that wearing a Biden hat — if there is such a thing — would warrant dirty words and an a**-kicking. Someone has to pay for this carnage. Inflation and gas prices are eating up the money I used to spend at the bar on gin martinis and steak. I am Mr. Crankypants now, and someone must pay.
Speaking of steak, I saw the results of my bloodwork today. My cholesterol could stop an albatross in mid-flight. I must now avoid ribeyes like Joe Biden dodges Peter Doocy in the White House restroom. Seeing that a decent ribeye now costs around $17, this is a good time to give up my caveman diet for a while. And what better place is there to purchase rabbit food for heart-healthy humans and test-wear a MAGA hat than the hippy den known as Trader Joe’s?
Trader Joe’s
For those who have never been, Trader Joe’s is a grocery store with a hippy-dippy, Woodstock vibe. How star-child is Trader Joe’s? All I can say is, choose your mushrooms carefully. It’s the type of place where customers volunteer to pack their own groceries and smile while they’re doing it. It’s also the kind of place where people are still wearing masks here on Long Island.
FACT-O-RAMA! Long Island had been blue for quite a while but went full-on red in the 2021 elections last November. Four out of four elections went to elephants. That said, there are still plenty of commies around.
Related: What’s All the Noise From Long Island? It’s the Pro-Trump Long Island Loud Majority
It’s important to note that, the day before Comrade Hochul dismissed the mask mandate, my fiancé was scolded and told to put on a mask at this Trader Joe’s location. Being a proud patriot and a headstrong Puerto Rican, she denied the request.
I donned my MAGA hat and went in to see what, if anything, would happen.
At 56, I was one of the oldest people in Trader Joe’s. Many of the shoppers were minorities of every stripe. Roughly 20% of the cart jockeys were wearing masks. Two cashiers, one of whom I exchange pleasantries with regularly, strained to see if my red cap was indeed of the MAGA variety. They glared in disbelief, twice, then went back to their registers. Two other women looked at the cap and didn’t react one way or another. I did a second loop of the store and chose a lane to check out. The cashier, a young woman whose race I’d describe as “hipster,” gave me a nasty “microaggression” look (HAHAHAHA, now we can use that stupid word) but couldn’t say anything; the customer is always right.
Whereas Trader Joe’s is a liberal paradise, it does not stock the necessities for a real American, and I refuse to drink a martini without either cocktail onions or bleu cheese-stuffed olives. (What am I, an animal?) Thanks to Gropey Joe, I must now enjoy my martinis at home, and so, my next stop was a much larger chain grocery store called ShopRite.
Pro-tip: wearing a MAGA hat into a restaurant may result in you consuming some communist’s DNA. Be wary.
Going to hooters with a maga hat then haha pic.twitter.com/l2iHoz6SvJ
— POE (Nemesis) (@Poe0nhead) March 21, 2022
Goth Hooters sounds like a place where depressed chickens volunteer to be eaten.
ShopRite
Things were different in this grocery store. I was now one of the youngest people shopping, and may I say, one of the more attractive lads. I dare say I could have had my pick of the cart-pushing bingo babes in the store. Only 14% of the people were wearing masks and easily 50% were pushing carts containing a 5-lb. box of Matzo. In a matter of five minutes, I went from shopping among hipsters gathering organic cashews to shopping alongside old Jews trying to get into heaven.
Since the clientele was mostly of a certain age and had questionable eyesight, almost no one cared to look at my hat. Only one person, a man about 68 years old, noticed it — and gave me a thumbs up.
Pro-tip: When people tell you MAGA hats are the uniform of racists, show them this picture of Canada’s Princess Trudeau:
It’s so funny seeing Liberals cry over the fact that Candice Bergen wore a #MAGA hat for a picture when Justin Trudeau literally did #blackface so many times he can’t remember how many times he’s done it… pic.twitter.com/2cmc5250ET
— Élie Cantin-Nantel (@elie_mcn) February 3, 2022
Laundromat
Having purchased my beloved olives, as well as clam juice, “tipsy” sweet peppers, and “tipsy” cherries to garnish my bloody caesar, which I plan to drink on the next Unwoke with Kevin and Kruiser podcast, my next stop was the laundromat. This was risky, because everyone who works here is Hispanic. Would my MAGA hat be a problem? That depends on where people are from.
Back at CPAC, I had a young woman Uber driver from Venezeula tell me through Google translate on her phone that Trump was popular in her country. She said, “You have a powerful country and need a powerful man to lead it. Not the man you voted to win.”
I DIDN’T VOTE FOR HIM.
The young woman working at the laundromat was there frequently and barely speaks English. I said hello and threw my bedding into a washer. The hat had no impact on her, though I don’t know if she can read English. She had a Spanish channel on the TV.
RECIPE-O-RAMA! The KDJ Bloody Caesar is made with Ketel One Cucumber & Mint vodka and garnished with one sweet pepper, one cherry, one strip of bacon, and one oyster. Garnish garishly or go home!
Bar
My final stop was at Time Out Bar in Hicksville. Life is too short to watch a washing machine when there is a good pub 300 feet away in the same plaza as the laundromat. I’ve slaughtered Stalin-like numbers of brain cells here. They know me. Not only was my hat appreciated, but I also got a high-five from a man sporting a ZZ Top beard and wearing a t-shirt that said “F*ck Joe Biden.” There is a Joe Biden “I did that!” sticker that someone put on a table and no less than three pro-Trump or anti-Biden bumper stickers in the parking lot (though those cars could belong to people shopping in the Asian market — Asians LOVE Trump). I am home.
Conclusion
Judging by what I’m seeing on the news, the “orange man bad” leftards who swore Trump would gut the economy and start WWIII are in no position to judge us or our Trump gear, and few did. Wear what you like. Besides, let them start trouble — who isn’t armed these days?
FACT-O-RAMA! Wearing a MAGA hat could make you a tipping point for other patriots. People will see it and be inspired to wear theirs. I’ve seen it happen!
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