December is upon us, which means your local radio station’s playlist will get a Yuletide makeover.
Christmas songs will play nonstop for the next 25 days. Bring it on!
For every “Little Drummer Boy” and “Jingle Bells,” though, there are other Christmas songs lurking in that playlist. They’re as much a part of the season as “Elf” reruns and mistletoe, but they’re far less welcome. In fact, the season would be much cheerier without them.
Here they are … five Christmas songs that should be banished to the North Pole, never to return.
Every time this song plays we get the same reaction. It’s cute, familiar and tuneful. What’s not to love? Well, the song has one hook, and it beats you over the head with it. So whatever warm fuzzies you feel at first are long gone by the time the final note sounds.
Jose Feliciano’s voice also sounds like it’s coming from within a remote chamber, adding to the distance we feel from the repetition.
Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
The Boss is aptly named. He’s ageless with a rock resume that’s hard to top. He’s also wildly unsuited to cover this Christmas classic. Springsteen’s voice is craggy and cold throughout, and the forced gaiety is enough to make you reconsider doubling down on the eggnog.
The worst? The fake banter that kicks off this atrocity.
(Almost) Any Version of “12 Days of Christmas”
Listicles are great. They aren’t meant to be sung, though. Yet this Christmas clunker endures all the same. Everyone from Bing Crosby to the Muppets has covered it without bringing it to life.
How could anyone? It’s a laundry list of yuletide minutiae, a tuneless dirge that makes you pine for Dec. 26. Only the McKenzie Brothers’ version deserves any attention. And that’s primarily for the nostalgia factor.
Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year
Oh, Tiny Tim … what were you thinking? This anti-Christmas song boasts lyrics that will make you cringe. And, naturally, Tiny Tim’s voice is an acquired taste.
The song itself? It’s wildly tasteless in the most favorable of lights.
Here’s a sample lyric:
He won’t be yelling out, ‘ho ho ho ho!’
But he’ll be screaming out, ‘no no no no!’
“Funky Funky Christmas”
It’s bad enough that New Kids on the Block have followed the Monkees train, touring well past their creative expiration date. This … this! is a bridge too far.
Sample lyrics (swallow any water before reading)
Have a funky, funky Christmas, have a funky, funky Christmas.
New Kids On The Block, let’s rock, it’s Christmas time.
We’re gonna celebrate it with a rhyme.
Danny D, are you ready?
Ready as I’ll ever be
Steady, you know, Joey Joe is ready
Jordan and Jon, yeah, come on, we got a funky, funky Christmas going on.