Tim Kaine (D-Va.) gave a puzzling speech on the floor of Congress today where he claimed that Americans had invented slavery. “The United States didn’t inherit slavery from anybody. We created it,” he said, completely seriously.
Sen. Tim Kaine: "The United States didn't inherit slavery from anybody. We created it." pic.twitter.com/VM86sRrtn1
— The Hill (@thehill) June 16, 2020
This claim sent shockwaves of outrage through the recesses of Hell, where Egyptian pharaohs and the emperors of Rome reside. “How dare he take credit for slavery,” said King Tut. “Who the hell does he think built the pyramids? Aliens?”
Diocletian wasn’t any more complimentary. “The Roman methods of torturing slaves are so renowned around the world that millions of people wear the instrument of our torture around their necks as a reminder of the sheer brutality we wrought on the world’s underprivileged. Americans tried hard, but until you feed people to wild animals in front of cheering crowds you haven’t even begun to realize your potential in crimes against humanity.”
Julius Ceasar told reporters, “Those were the days. One time I sold 53,000 citizens of Gaul to traders on the same day. Man, what a windfall that was.”
Satan had to get his two cents in there too and declared, “I am the true creator of slavery. Duh. My specialty is putting people in bondage. It’s like, my whole gig.” Mohammed then piped up, “Not so fast, Beezelbub, my contributions to the history of enslaving people continues to this day,” he grinned. “Boko Haram is kidnapping African children right now!”
Even some citizens of the heavenly realms got annoyed. Moses sent a strongly worded letter to the majority leader that stated, “Tim Kaine has a lot of nerve to blame America for slavery. Has he never picked up a Bible? I literally had to climb a mountain and get those tablets twice because of people like him who can’t pay attention in Sunday school.” He continued, eyes blazing, “Hasn’t he ever seen that movie with Charlton Heston playing me? I’m probably the most famous slave of all time!” Moses then threw his arms up in disgust and spat out, “I wish I could send locusts to Congress. Where’s my staff? Aaron!”
Thomas Jefferson sent a telegram from purgatory to Kaine’s office that read, “Are you dumb or something? And by the way, I always wanted to abolish slavery and am quite proud my countrymen did it.”
Following the fateful speech, Kaine was rushed to a hospital where he underwent emergency surgery to have his foot removed from his mouth. He was then promoted to the top of the Democrat list of replacements for that guy in the basement who can’t remember he’s running for president in 2020.
— Dan Goldwasser (@dgoldwas) June 16, 2020
Authors note: The above is satire. None of it happened including whatever it was Tim Kaine was saying happened. Anyone who believes slavery was invented in 1776 by Americans has the IQ of a sock and should avoid sharp objects for their safety.
Megan Fox is the author of “Believe Evidence; The Death of Due Process from Salome to #MeToo,” and host of The Fringe podcast. Follow on Twitter @MeganFoxWriter