Culture

The (Former) Washington Redskins Still Don't Have a Name. I've Got a Few Suggestions.

AP Photo/Susan Walsh

In case you missed and by coincidence happen to still give a rat’s fat fandango about the National Football League, the team formerly known as the Washington Redskins still has not picked a new name. Not that anybody cares, including yours truly. The last time I even tried to feign interest in professional football was the 2014 Super Bowl, and I was pretty much out by the first Doritos commercial. 

Apparently, someone floated the idea of re-branding the team as the Washington Warriors, but team president Jason Wright gave the new moniker a thumbs-down since the franchise wants to avoid all Native American imagery. All well and good, although as someone who actually lived on a reservation for several years, I saw many native people sporting Redskins gear. Maybe they found a sense of pride in that since no one has ever named a team The Cleveland Caucasians, The West Palm White People, or the Houston Honkies. Or maybe they had enough going on in their lives that they just did not have time to worry about those sorts of lofty problems. I suppose we could ask them, but that would involve treating Native Americans as individuals with thoughts of their own. Heresy in 21st-century America. 

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But that still leaves our erstwhile team without a name to its…name. I suppose that since the NFL is now officially gay, they could change the name to the Washington Rainbows, but the University of Hawaii already has the Rainbow Warriors, so that is obviously out. And that icky “warriors” word is in it, so there’s no need to pursue that any further. But a team name should reflect the attributes of its town. So, after a stiff belt and approximately five minutes of half-hearted brainstorming, I came up with some potential suggestions:

  • The DC Comics
  • The Washington Kneelers
  • The Washington Grifters
  • The Washington Graft
  • The Washington Corruptocrats
  • The Washington Hackers
  • The Washington Woke
  • The Washington January Sixers
  • The Washington Donkeys/Jackasses
  • The Washington Taxers
  • The Washington Spenders
  • The Washington Prevaricators
  • The Washington BIPOCs
  • The Washington Corn Pops 
  • The Washington Stelters

Personally, I’m leaning toward the Stelters just so I can see what the mascot and logo look like. But that’s just me. The marketing possibilities are endless and, to be honest, a little frightening. Then again, maybe they could do something cool with a garter snake.