Has anybody checked on James Talarico? I’ve gone several days without a Democrat politician explaining why Jesus wants me to vote for Democrats, and I’m starting to worry. We need proof of life, James!
The guy who told us that God is non-binary, relied on heretical false gospel accounts to call for abortions, and formed a mutual admiration society with a “TransQueer,” “Latinx” theologian has suddenly gone missing. Has he joined a progressive monastic order that calls for a vow of silence from virtue-signaling? Or has his GOP rival Ken Paxton scared him off so much that he can’t campaign anymore?
Of course, what we’re hearing from the Talarico Revival Tent is that the patron saint of bad theology has the flu. Maybe the doctor has prescribed rest, fluids, and a temporary moratorium on explaining the Sermon on the Mount to Republicans. If that’s the case, I’ll pray for you, James. I mean, I’ll pray to the real God, not the heretical woke deity you’re trying to pawn off on us.
Nevertheless, we need some kind of proof that you’re alive, Jimmy. Send us a photo of yourself holding up a check from an out-of-state donor with today’s date on it. Wave from the balcony. Release a video of yourself reading from The Biblical Case for Progressive Christianity: An Exhaustive Exegesis. Heck, we’ll settle for Mitch McConnell-style footage of you with your head on a swivel and a blank look that demonstrates that you have no clue what’s going on.
Side note: The Biblical Case for Progressive Christianity: An Exhaustive Exegesis is an actual book. It’s 256 blank pages — no joke. Okay, it is a joke. Supposedly there’s also an audiobook version that’s six hours and 37 minutes of silence.
Republicans are noticing the Case of the Missing Heretic. And they want answers.
“The more Texans learn about James Talarico’s radical plan to eliminate oil and gas, raise taxes, and force sex changes on kids, the more they realize they want nothing to do with him,” RNC spokesman Zach Kraft told PJ Media. “No wonder he is running scared and hiding from Texans.”
Related: How Much Christianity Can James Talarico Reject and Still Be Called Christian?
“Low-T Jimmy appears to be having a full-blown mental Tala-freak-out on the national stage. We have a simple request: proof of life,” said Madison Cercy, Paxton campaign spokeswoman. “James Talarico wants to represent 31 million Texans in the U.S. Senate, but for 12 days, he’s hidden from every one of them. There’s a reason they call it ‘Texas Tough,’ and it’s not because Texans hide at the first sign of trouble. If James Talarico is too fragile to face Texans, he has no business asking for their vote.”
I have received unverified information on James Talarico's whereabouts. If true, it will END his campaign. I am asking anyone who can verify where James Talarico has been to email me with confirmation. YOU WILL STAY TOTALLY ANONYMOUS. Email: [email protected]
— Sara Gonzales (@SaraGonzalesTX) October 8, 2026
Get well, James, but at least let us know that you’re alive. We’re missing out on the opportunities to dunk on you for trying to rewrite scripture in order to smear small-o orthodox Christianity as “Christian nationalism.” Come back! We miss our low-hanging fruit of fake Christianity.
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