The Problem with You Conservatives

I am writing this column because some lone voice in the wilderness has to speak the truth to power about how you conservatives are ruining your own lives, this country, and, yes, even the entire planet. If Gaia herself could speak to you, she would give you troglodytes a tongue-lashing — and that’s just for the polar bears alone. You don’t want to get her started on the drilling for oil. Mother Earth does not like having people stick things in her sensitive places, conservatives!

Somebody needs to speak up. Because you conservatives certainly never hear the truth on the news, where Fox News spreads its propaganda while good-hearted but misguided journalists like Chris Matthews and Katie Couric spend most of their time echoing right-wing talking points on behalf of their corporate masters. The corporate masters who make sure that goons like Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, and Sean Hannity stay on the air and have huge audiences, despite the fact that no one wants to hear them — while popular liberal hosts are usually kept off the air and aren’t allowed to draw an audience when they do get on.

You certainly aren’t getting the truth from newspapers, where journalists treat every argument you make like it deserves coverage. Why do these astroturfed “teabagger” parties deserve even the small story on page A-18 that they’re getting? It’s not like the unions, A.N.S.W.E.R., Code Pink, or any other real grassroots organizations are busing people in for the events.

Let me give you the message that you never hear — and need to: You conservatives are wrong about pretty much everything.

I know, I know. You’re probably stunned because this may be the first time in years you’ve heard a contrary thought. Your kids come home from school, where they studied how Noah used dinosaurs to help build the ark 500 years ago. Then you turn on the television, where your “family-friendly” shows won’t even allow nude lesbians to go at it lest some overbearing Christian get “offended.” Then you turn on the news, where all you see are people talking about how wonderful Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin are.

But here’s what you have to understand: Barack Obama is our president and he wants change and hope.

Let me repeat that: Barack Obama is our president. And he wants change and hope.

Some people have claimed that conservatives hate hope, but I don’t believe that. See? I’m reaching out to you guys. Why can’t you do the same for me by supporting President Obama?

I know many of you may be saying (I’m using bigger words than you people would grunt out, of course): “But we can’t cooperate with Obama! He’s black! Let’s lynch him instead!” Stop the hate, people! We all know that conservatives loved the idea of socialized medicine, cap and trade, and high taxes right up until the day a black man became president. Coincidence?

Yes, I realize that a few people on the other side of the aisle may have, on some very rare occasions, said uncharitable things about George W. Bush. But how often did that actually happen in the last eight years? Twice? Three times? It was an unusual event — certainly nothing like the criticism that’s being aimed at President Obama. Besides, Chimpy McBushHitler was a stupid, drooling Nazi who started a war for oil and let 9/11 happen on purpose to help make more money for Halliburton. Barack Obama is simply a moderate statesman whose every thought is about how to best unify the country and help clean up the mess you people made of everything.

I’ll tell you what. You forget about the irrational anger you hillbillies have over the Bush years, we’ll forget about the swastika mobs you unleashed in an effort to thwart democracy this summer, and we’ll all just cooperate from this point on. That’s what bipartisanship is all about, people! We come up with an agenda and you get to benefit from it, so we’re all in it together! You little Eichmanns have to admit that’s a pretty good offer, given all the hateful rhetoric you people use at your teabagging parties.

Let me leave you with a piece of hard-earned wisdom we liberals have come to accept as absolutely true since January 20 of this year: All dissent is unpatriotic. Do as you’re told.