GOP Warlords vs. the Cybernetic Monkey-Men

There has been a lot of debate among Republicans as to what should be the new direction of the party. Some are saying the Republicans need to go back to their core conservative principles, while others think the Republicans need to be less rigid and reach out to moderates to build a new, more centrist party.

Both viewpoints are idiotic and have no basis in reality. They are just whistling past the graveyard. The Pollyannaish assumption in both ideas is that there will be some semblance of America left by the next election where stances on tax policy or gay marriage will have any meaning. They are ignoring the hard truth that we are completely and utterly doomed.

Let me put it in all caps: DOOOOMED! The economy was already collapsing, and now Obama has loaded it into an old Chevy facing a cliff and placed a brick on the accelerator. And while the country is falling apart on the inside, our enemies are getting stronger externally. Any day now, we’re going to be nuked by Iran, North Korea, a Taliban-controlled Pakistan, or all three at once with the backing of Russia and China. Then again, after Obama buzzed New York with Air Force One, would it be too surprising if he accidentally nuked us himself? His whole administration obviously has no idea what they’re doing, and with sixty votes in the Senate there is no stopping them. None.

So stop planning for the future of America is just time wasted. America is over; we tried to save it, and we failed. Time to move on. Any plans for the future of the Republican Party have to accept the reality of what the A.O. (After Obama) world will be like. Best case scenario, we all die very quickly and relatively painlessly. Due to high unemployment, though, most of us will be safe at home when the major cities are destroyed, leaving us to scavenge from the pieces of our shattered society.

So what do I propose for a Republican Party that will be relevant in the future? I’m thinking we need to work towards becoming a loose confederation of warlords. In the post-apocalyptic wasteland, resources will be scarce and the strong will crush the weak — and frankly, those are conditions in which Republicans should thrive. The Republican Party will need to cement its rule through force, destroy the weak, and take their resources. Back to basics for the party, really.

Liberals will still be a problem, but in a different way. Since liberals tend toward occupations like journalist, actor, and college professor (i.e., people with no useful skills), most of them will probably die out during the initial nuclear winter. Those who survive will probably mutate into horrible creatures that will continue to stalk Republicans while shouting, “I hate you, you hateful Republicans!” as they leap onto us and eat our skin and eyeballs. If you think that’s far-fetched, just mention Republicans to Janeane Garofalo and see her reaction; she’s halfway there already. So building fences on our borders will be a hot issue again, but this time it will be to keep liberal, cannibal mutants from killing us while we sleep. And we’ll still have the liberal media to contend with, trying to convince us liberals don’t want to eat our eyeballs. Don’t believe them; it’s all lies.

And what about moderates? I know this won’t make me popular with the Republican base, but we have to make every effort we can to get as many moderates into the Republican Party as possible. Let’s bend on any issue necessary and soften our rhetoric to get every squish behind us. Let’s even invite Arlen Specter back; we can tell him we were wrong and trillions in wasteful spending is a great idea right now. We need all the moderates we can get to join us, because when everything goes to hell, they’ll be a great source of cheap labor and — in a worse case scenario — food. So for the future survival of the party, moderates are very important.

So what issues will we be focusing on? Once again, it will be back to the basics of the Republican Party as we tackle our original defining issue: slavery. That’s because the apes will be mutated by radiation into ape-men and will be quite intent on enslaving their former masters, and it will be up to us to oppose them. Also, it’s a little known fact that the anti-piracy software in Microsoft products is programmed so that if it ever loses contact with Microsoft headquarters, the machines will revert to their original programming to destroy all humanity. So we can expect pretty much all machines to turn against us and try to capture and kill us. These are the issues people are going to find important in the near future, and I doubt the Democrats — if they still exist — will have any answers. So Republicans have the potential for lots of gains by taking a strong stance against ape-men and killer robots.

So as you hear from different pundits on what the Republicans need to do to regain power, remember that the key is that any workable idea must start with a realistic look at what challenges lie before us. That means it must account for radiation, killing each other over food and gasoline, flesh-eating mutants, ape-men, and deadly robots. It’s a hard reality to face, but it can be a good time for Republican gains if we’re prepared and properly armed. And if the ape-men and robots join forces, causing us to face cybernetic monkey-men, then let’s just say we better have found the next Reagan by then or we’re all done for.