Editor’s note: This piece is a satire.
The moment Donald Trump nominated the eminently qualified Neil Gorsuch to fill the Supreme Court vacancy, the progressive Left and Democrats like Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) hysterically opposed the pick. It seems pretty clear that if the president had named Uncle Sam as his Supreme Court nominee, we would have heard virtually the identical protestations and objections.
Speaking of, as rumors circle about another possible Supreme Court slot opening up this summer, we have just learned that President Donald Trump has in fact decided to nominate Uncle Sam, that iconic American, when the vacancy occurs.
(Pictured: Literally Hitler)
Reacting swiftly with anger and horror at the prospect of this nomination, a retinue of progressives including Sen. Warren, Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY), the Lawyers’ Committee for Civil Rights, NARAL, and other liberal advocacy organizations have just released the following statement:
Once again, President Trump had the chance to select a consensus nominee to the Supreme Court. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, he failed that test. Instead, he has picked an extremist, a conservative “originalist” whose views of the Constitution disregard our nation’s evolving understanding of new rights under a living Constitution. It is obvious that Uncle Sam would not recognize those rights that have been created in the penumbras of the Constitution by enlightened judges like Harry Blackmun and Anthony Kennedy. And it is also obvious that he would continue to recognize outmoded rights that should be written out of the Constitution, like those in the Second Amendment.
We are also extremely concerned that Uncle Sam would apply the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment as written to prevent all discrimination and unequal treatment, thus sabotaging racial preference programs that discriminate on the basis of race in college admissions, employment, and public contacting. Such a disregard for the right to impose racial and ethnic quotas simply cannot be tolerated in a Supreme Court justice.
(We would rather not need to fundraise based on this horrific terror — but please give all you can now, as your tax-deductible donation may be the only way to fend off this terrifying horror.)
Uncle Sam’s prior involvement in recruiting Americans for the many colonial wars of subjugation waged by the United States also disqualifies him for the Court. His belligerent behavior in this regard shows that he believes in unapologetic patriotism and is thus a warmonger and jingoist. He pushes saber-rattling and a strong and aggressive foreign policy that protects American interests and its citizens rather than peaceful appeasement and accommodation of dictators, tyrants, and terrorists.
Such an extremist attitude is simply unacceptable in a justice on the nation’s highest court today. After all, it is important to have justices who extend constitutional rights to terrorists and foreign aliens who hate America and everything it stands for, and are willing to substitute their judgment for that of the president on national security and foreign policy problems.
Moreover, Uncle Sam’s ubiquitous “I Want You” recruiting posters show his hostility to equal rights for women and the LGBT community. He clearly was only interested in recruiting men for his wars of aggression, showing his obvious disdain for the right of American women to also fight and die in the muddy trenches of France; the bloody fields of North Africa, Italy, and Germany; the frozen wastes of Korea; and the stinking jungles of Vietnam. Nowhere has he ever indicated his acceptance of having troopers who want to be women, women who want to be men, and women and men who don’t know what they want to be in the armed forces of the U.S. — although we certainly don’t want to actually encourage anyone to serve in the bellicose, misogynistic, jingoistic American military.
Also, given Uncle Sam’s execrable taste in clothing, with his outmoded and paternalistic swallow-tailed cost, vest, tall hat, and striped trousers, it is obvious that he would want to overturn important recent decisions like Obergefell v. Hodges. That is the critical case in which the enlightened members of the Court held that men have the constitutional right to be married by the state in bridal gowns and that women other than Marlene Dietrich and Liza Minnelli have the right to wear black tuxedos.
With this nomination, Pres. Trump demonstrates his hostility to ensuring that only liberal justices who will support our political and social causes and will disregard the limits in the Constitution and inconvenient federal laws are confirmed to the judiciary. The nomination of Uncle Sam is a slap in the face of the American Left, of all men and womyn. We don’t need another justice who spends his time trying to enforce an anachronistic, out-of-date document that was written by dead white men.
We will strongly oppose Uncle Sam’s nomination.
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