Well, the long Klavanless week of Klavanless Klavanless-ness is finally over, and people around the world have spent the weekend celebrating by attending church services, eating chocolate eggs, and gathering with family for prayers of thanksgiving, although to be honest that may have just been a coincidence.
But while I spent the week far away in England where the happy, barefoot, care-free natives speak a language Americans can’t understand — namely English — I did manage to keep up with world events by reading various American news sites.
So to begin this festive Klavan-tide, allow me to present a round-up of the week’s news as described on these sites.
After a poison gas attack in Syria, Ivanka Trump apparently got very upset and demanded that Daddy bomb someone right this minute. President Trump, who can never deny his daughter anything because she’s just so hot, unleashed a devastating aerial attack on either Syria or Iraq or Steve Bannon, he always gets those three confused. North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un responded, for some reason, by detonating a nuclear device that blew him into the kitchen pantry where he spent the next three days eating a particularly succulent Jop-chae Pork with potato noodles.
At this point, presidential spokesman Sean Spicer mistakenly announced that Adolf Hitler never used poisoned gas against his own citizens, when in fact poisoned gas was kind of a thing with Hitler, causing many high-ranking Nazis to remark, “Ach, that Hitler, always mit der poisoned gas.”
Spicer quickly issued an apology which read in full, “Shut up or I’ll punch you repeatedly in the face.” Nancy Pelosi then demanded Spicer resign, saying, “If we allow public officials to say such amazingly stupid things, before you know it I’ll be in congress.” Spicer responded by placing Pelosi’s head in a vice and tightening it until the top of her skull blew off revealing a jack-in-the-box clown where most people keep their brains. In the aftermath, Steve Bannon was fired, according to an anonymous source who once drove by the White House and said it looked like the sort of place in which Steve Bannon had been fired.
Trump next unleashed an attack on Afghanistan or someplace by dropping something called the Mother of All Bombs, or the Mom Bomb or the Mama Bamba Bamba Bam by Richie Valens. Leftists were outraged, saying the Bomb was so expensive that the money should have been used to build shelters for all the little bombs who are now motherless.
Trump supporters were also angry because they had wanted the Trump administration to stay out of foreign wars until the wars metastasized into world-wide disasters that would engulf the earth in flames. When told that was actually the Obama administration’s foreign policy, the Trump supporters descended on Berkeley to punch left-wing fascists so the day wouldn’t be a total loss. King Jong-un responded to the Berkeley riots by unleashing an attack that destroyed the entire known universe. In the hellish radioactive aftermath, Steve Bannon was fired, then returned to work.
So basically everything’s back to normal.