Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is upon us, And that means it’s time to stop our complaining and our worrying and to set aside our anger against our neighbor even though he tried to ruin the country forever by supporting the most corrupt political hack ever to sell an economically crippling and politically enslaving platform of eternal misery that any idiot could have seen was a looming disaster for anything and everything we hold dear.

All the same, we’re setting aside our anger at that gormless schmuck, and taking some time to think about all the things we’re grateful for.

For me, this Thanksgiving, as I kneel to say my prayers in the very place where I lost consciousness the night before, I’ll be saying a special thanks that I was born and raised in the greatest country on the face of the earth, and only moved here after that unfortunate incident with my 15-year-old cousin Amalia who told me I better emigrate until her Uncle Farooq calmed down.

I’ll also be saying thanks that I live in the land of the free and the home of the brave, where men are men more often than not, and women are probably women, though you might want to double check before you do anything involving leather pants and lotion.

This Thanksgiving, I’ll be thankful that I have enough to eat and I’ll remember that I want to share that bounty with the hungry children around the world, though not as much as I want the new X-Box One, because Gears of War 4 looks absolutely amazing, so maybe I’ll help the hungry children of the world nearer to Christmas when I’ll probably feel a little more guilty because of all that stuff about the Baby Jesus, although I bet if the Baby Jesus were here, he’d want the new X-Box too, especially after he saw the previews for Gears of War 4.

Another thing I’ll be thankful for this year is the presidency of Barack Obama because, through his leadership and his intelligence and his personal decency, he fundamentally transformed this country into a place where a Democrat couldn’t get elected street sweeper if street sweeper were an elected position in which case a Democrat would probably be suited to the job and still couldn’t get elected.

And finally, this Thanksgiving, I want to give a special thanks to all of you, my audience, because you make this blog possible by coming here and reading what I write instead of getting a job or entering that work release program the warden keeps telling you about or finally completing rehab so that your wife can come back to you without having to worry about waking up in the middle of the night to find you standing over her bed with an axe in your hands and a sad expression on your face.

It’s people like you who keep this blog and many of our finer correctional facilities in business. So happy Thanksgiving to you all – and remember, if you’re going to drink and drive, keep your eyes closed, because you won’t want to see what happens next.