Florida Man Friday: That's a Gun in His Bra AND He's Happy to See You

Florida Man Claims He ‘Teleported’ into Stolen BMW Before Crashing at High Speed

Did you ever steal a BMW and crash it pretty much right away doing over 100 MPH and then tell the police maybe you teleported into the car?

No?

Just Florida Man then:

"I don’t know how I got in the car. I teleported or something," Florida Man told a Volusia County sheriff’s deputy.

When asked again where he got the vehicle, he repeated, "I don’t know. I teleported."

Deputies said Florida Man stole the BMW from Bicentennial Park in Ormond Beach. The owner told officers he had left his keys in a closed cupholder while walking his dog.

A witness at the park told deputies he saw a confused-looking man get into the car.

"He kept asking for a light," the witness said. "I thought, how does he have a BMW if he doesn’t even have a lighter for a cigarette?"

To be fair, when this guy says he doesn't know how he ended up anywhere — including behind the wheel of a speeding car — I'm inclined to believe him.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Instant Karma, Dude You OK?

TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.

A Perfect Disguise

Florida Man accused of robbing Dollar General days after release from prison

You probably already know that the point of a disguise is to stop wearing it after you've done the thing you needed to disguise yourself for, otherwise it's just a great way to get ID'd for doing the thing you did in disguise.

I made that sound much more complicated than it actually is, didn't I?

Anyway:

Witnesses at the scene claimed that Florida Man walked into the store wearing a ski mask and holding a firearm and demanded money from store employees. Witnesses told deputies that the suspect said if the store employees did not comply with his demands, he would shoot everyone inside.

Deputies say that after Florida Man obtained the money, he left the store. When deputies arrived, they spotted a man matching the suspect’s description, which led to a chase. He was later apprehended near SE 91st Court Road. The MCSO says he was still wearing a ski mask at the time of his arrest, and the stolen money and firearm were found nearby.

Criminals this stupid just need to get locked up for life before they really hurt somebody. 

SCORE: Police Chase, Police Bodycam, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Dollar General, Master of Disguise, Recidivism. (8)

RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: McRib on Trial: Lawsuit Demands Truth in Fake-Rib Advertising

Everybody Needs a Hobby

A lace bra, a G-string, and a hidden gun. Folks, you cannot make this up.#MorningBriefing #PolkSheriff #GradyJudd pic.twitter.com/bO2Klyk7CF

— Polk County Sheriff 🚔 Grady Judd (@PolkCoSheriff) January 5, 2026

"A lace bra, a G-string, and a hidden gun. Folks, you cannot make this up."

You can't make this up — and I can't do this story any better than Sheriff Grady Judd did.

So just watch the clip and see if you can tally the score live at home. 

SCORE: Burned by Grady (Times 2! Once for Florida Man, once for Altamonte Springs), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), You Hid It WHERE?, Likely Story, Went Viral, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (7)

RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman flies out of sunroof in bizarre funeral procession accident

Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong

Salvation Army bell ringer tried to impale Publix manager with donation tripod

You know what I hate?

You know how sometimes around the holidays you want to give a little back so you get a job as one of those bell-ringers outside the grocery story and all you gotta do is ring the little bell and watch people put money in the bucket except for those cheap bastards who just walk by like you aren't even there but it turns out that just standing there is stupid boring and after maybe the first ten minutes you want to stick that bell somewhere the sun don't shine so maybe you get a little liquored up to pass the time but it turns out it's a lot more fun to stop ringing the bell and just harass people especially those cheap bastards and it turns out there's sure a lot more of them after you've had a few drinks which is when the stupid Publix manager comes around and start harassing you for whatever reason so you grab the kettle tripod and try to stab him with it even though it isn't that sharp so you take off running but the police nab you and then you're sitting in jail wondering if maybe there'd been enough money in that kettle for bail?

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Fleeing the Scene, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Should Have Taken the L, Resisting Arrest, Glamor Mugshot, and a bonus point for being a real-life Bad Santa. (7)

RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

How cool is this?https://t.co/oSlGq3sIud

— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) January 9, 2026

Except that some of these hometown heroes do wear capes — at least for the kids:

FGCU Police Chief Craig Kowalski said their annual toy drive to benefit Heroes Unmasked is an opportunity to make a difference in the lives of children suffering the most:

"We engage with the community, partnerships are very important to us. We want to help the community. That is what we do."

UPD officers helped the superheroes from Heroes Unmasked load mounds of toys on a truck at FGCU. Batman was super busy at the time, but Robin — aka Matthew Bryant, outside of his day job as a Lee County Sheriff's Office patrol deputy — responded to the call for help.

"I am dressed up as Robin. the Boy Wonder, from the Batman series," he said. "I like being a sidekick. I like being able to help out and assist." 

Robin, the Hulk, Wonder Woman, Spiderman, and Supergirl all swooped in to help load the donations as part of their mission to deliver the toys to sick children in residential homes and children's hospitals across Florida in 2026.

FGCU math instructor Dr. Maggie Swanson told WGCU, "I started doing this in 2017. I collected 130 that year. The department was so impressed. I said you should make this a competition between departments. So in 2018, this was born. Now we have climbed every year! I think last year we collected 1,700 toys. This year, over 2,000."

Plus volunteer superheroes to make the deliveries? That's America, baby.

SCORE: One bonus point each for Sheer Awesomeness to Robin, the Hulk, Wonder Woman, Spiderman, and Supergirl. Plus one more to Dr. Swanson. And an extra bonus point for Wonder Woman because I do have a type. (7)

RUNNING TOTAL: 35 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Grinch Who Stole a Needy Family's Christmas

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Another big-scoring week for Florida Man! Five stories, 35 points, and an average of Lucky Number 7 for the week. 

Well done. 

Meanwhile, in Texas...

You think you're having an off Monday?

Fire/EMS in an unnamed North Texas city are currently responding to a Smoothie King for reports that "someone put vagina juices in her smoothie."

😳🤯

— DFW Scanner (@DFWscanner) January 5, 2026

And not even an up-charge.

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday