Everybody knows you never go Full Tom Nichols — unless you’re The Atlantic’s Tom Nichols, who, by temperament and editorial encouragement, not only can but must go Fuller Than Full Tom Nichols.
While that's far more Tom Nichols than is permitted under several binding articles of the Geneva Conventions, including one written specifically for messenger pigeons, please pull on the appropriate safety gear and join me as we journey into Fullest Tom Nichols… and beyond!
You get used to the weight of the lead-lined vest, I promise.
I hope you're all buckled up, cinched down, and squared away for our voyage, because here is Fullest Tom Nichols: "In a more sensible and serious world (and, yes, I know this is not the one we live in right now), Hegseth would be fired — and [Sen. Mark] Kelly would take Hegseth’s job as secretary of defense."
This is where your Friendly Neighborhood VodkaPundit blinked harder than Marty Feldman during a gnat infestation.
For those late to the party, Pete Hegseth is the Secretary of War who was basically just exonerated by the New York Freakin' Times of war crimes alleged by the Washington Post, which four NYT reporters couldn't find even a single anonymous source to corroborate. Mark Kelly, on the other hand, is the Arizona senator who helped make a video slyly calling for dissension in our military ranks, along with a wink and a nod that he and the other Sedition Six would provide political cover over what constitutes an illegal order.
Fullest Tom Nichols cares not about such trivialities in his bold pursuit of nonsense takes. He also doesn't seem to care much about Kelly's China connection. "Kelly’s had some business ventures, but he’s a bit light on management experience," Fullest Tom Nichols admitted. Kelly's experience did include this, however: "Before becoming a senator, Mark Kelly, D-Ariz., was not only an astronaut, but he also co-founded a company that specializes in spy balloons, which was funded, in part, by a venture capitalist in China with close ties to the Chinese Communist Party."
Maybe there's something to that, maybe not. But it certainly seems worth at least mentioning in a column endorsing Kelly for Secretary of War.
But the worst thing Fullest Tom Nichols ignores is the will of the voters. Trump promised a DefenseSec — now WarSec — like Hegseth, and he delivered. Fullest Tom Nichols isn't happy with a MAGA WarSec doing MAGA things, so it's "Will of the voters be damned, and install a Democrat!"
Remember that whole "elections have consequences" thing, as President Barack Obama used to chide us? So did Full Tom Nichols, as recently as 2020, when he told USA Today readers, "I accept that elections have consequences" in a column explaining how thwarting Trump's reelection bid might lead to "an emerging truce among various partisans of both the right and left."
"2020 seems to hold out the promise of reconciliation," Full Tom Nichols assured us. So did the summer of 1914 in Europe, if you squint just right.
Look, if you start with the premise that going Full Tom Nichols involves ingesting weapons-grade pharmaceuticals from shady Mexican labs, then everything else makes sense.
That's it for the column, but I do have one last gift for you. I asked an AI to write five Full Tom Nichols teasers — and, man, did it deliver.
Enjoy what Grok hath wrought, and I dare you to tell these apart from the real thing.
We Now Live in a Country That Wants to Replace the Joint Chiefs with the Cast of InfoWars and a Racially Ambiguous Psychic. "The leading candidate for National Security Advisor is a man who screams at furniture on YouTube while a medium who talks to Atlantis’s ghost nods approvingly. We are no longer a serious nation; we are a haunted Spirit Halloween that votes."
The American Electorate Has Decided the Constitution Should Be Rewritten by a Guy Who Communes with JFK Jr. Through a Crystal Dildo. "QAnon’s head shaman just polled ahead of the Speaker of the House. Half the country is ready to swear allegiance to a document written in crayon on the back of a Denny’s placemat. The Enlightenment is dead and currently being teabagged by a cloud."
We Are One Viral Meme Away from Appointing an Actual Ham Sandwich as FBI Director Because It Once Retweeted Trump. "The sandwich has 3.4 million followers and a blue check. It has promised to 'lock up the deep-dish state.' We have transcended satire and entered the Book of Revelations as interpreted by ketamine."
The Republic Will Soon Be Governed by a Council of Flat-Earth TikTokers, One Guy Who Thinks Birds Are Drones, and Whatever Emerges When Alex Jones Finally Mates with a Bald Eagle. "The new national anthem will be a 45-minute fart noise over a drop of 'Fortunate Son.' We are not sliding into fascism; we are being reverse-birthed into it by a screaming man-baby wearing a diaper made of flags."
Democracy’s Tombstone Will Read: 'Died of Terminal Brain Worms Contracted from Believing Elon Musk Is a Time-Traveling Alien Sent to Drain the Swamp with a Cybertruck Full of Ivermectin and Pee.' "We have achieved escape velocity from reality. The final stage of American civilization is millions of people live-streaming themselves saluting a holographic orange raccoon while the Capitol burns in the background for content. Sweet meteor of death, please come quickly and bill us for the crater."
Tom can have these for free, next time he's stuck for a topic.
Recommended: NYT to WaPo: You Lied About Hegseth
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