It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn why you never want to catch Sheriff Grady's attention, the worst way to rob a Tractor Supply, and why P. Diddy might never want to leave his New Jersey prison.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man walking ‘buck naked’ in 36-degree weather claims he was doing a TikTok challenge
Did you ever do that TikTok challenge to walk down the street in cold weather buck naked, but thensome guy in a Tesla catches you on pretty much every single camera built into his self-driving car? And then Sheriff Grady goes on YouTube to make fun of you?
No?
Just Florida Man then?
Details:
"You know what buck-naked means. He’s not even wearing any socks," Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd explained. "You can be naked and wearing socks, but buck-naked means you don’t have anything on."
The driver called the sheriff’s office.
Spoilsport.
"We asked him, ‘Are you cold?’ Not bit. What are you doing? Well, it’s a TikTok challenge. You don’t even have your cell phone. You’re really naked when you don’t have your cell phone," Judd said.
The sheriff added that when the deputies asked him for his name, the man gave a false name and wrong address.
To be fair, he was out of places to keep his ID. I mean, one hopes.
Totally True VodkaPundit Tale: I was once involved in a game of strip poker where all the players kept having to tell David — who is not good at poker — "Dave, pull up your sock." He was down to just the one, and it wasn't on his foot. I did not change any names to protect the innocent, because c'mon.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Caught on Video, Resisting Arrest, Really Bad Weather, Public Nudity, Hold My Beer, Glamor Mugshot, Likely Story.
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Exit Question: Should "Burned by Grady" be a new point category? Vote in the comments!
He Shot Himself, Really
Machete-wielding Florida Man shot by Palm Beach deputy
It wasn't much more than a routine domestic disturbance call in Palm Beach County. Deputies waited outside while Florida Man came out to talk to them about whatever had gone on inside.
But then Florida Man walked right to the hedges where he'd stashed an 18-inch-long machete.
You can probably guess the rest:
That's when the sheriff's office said he began to advance toward the deputies, swinging the machete above his head, causing the deputies to back away and try to deescalate the situation.
They urged him to drop the weapon, but the sheriff's office said he refused to do so and then began to advance toward the deputies once again. At that point, the sheriff's office said a deputy shot the man.
The deputies then rendered first aid and got Florida Man to the hospital, albeit in critical condition.
He was in critical condition because they had to put a bullet in him when he came at them with a large machete that he kept hidden in some bushes for just that purpose.
“The deputies tried multiple times to plead with him ‘Stop moving, drop it, drop it,’” said Chief Deputy Robert Allen, who spoke on scene Tuesday night. “They pled over and over again until they finally had no other recourse but to stop his aggressive actions by firing on him.”
Those deputies are better people than I am, because I might have thought long and hard about giving first aid to someone so murderously stupid on purpose. And when I say "thought long and hard," I mean, "thought not very hard and just long enough, if you know what I mean."
Don't ever give me a badge.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Stand-Off, Should Have Taken the L, Domestic Bliss, You Hid It WHERE?, Instant Karma.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: The Lost Art of Selling a Song
Who Robs a Tractor Supply?
Florida Woman on multi-state crime spree arrested for trying to steal items from Tractor Supply
How many years have I been writing this column? And only now do we get a Tractor Supply story?
Anyway, Florida Woman tried the old scam, originally developed by moron-grade primordial ooze, where she walks into a store — a Tractor Supply in this rare case — puts some high-value items in a bag, then tries to "exchange" them for other items she'd have a receipt for.
Except this isn't the 1970s, everybody has security cameras everywhere, and when employees showed Florida Woman the video of her shoplifting the stuff she was trying to return, she started "yelling and screaming all throughout the store and making a scene, as well as disrupting the business and visibly frightening staff and customers."
Because that helps.
Undaunted, Florida Woman demanded "her" stuff back, and "allegedly managed to get multiple items into her shopping cart and then tried to push the cart out of the store." There was shoving. Florida Woman got away with the stuff she'd shoplifted... only to get pulled over by police a few blocks away, still with the stolen goods in her car.
Maybe I'm just grumpy today, but that level of aggressive stupidity ought to come with a life sentence.
Remember when civil libertarians like myself were all concerned with the possible deleterious effects of three-strikes laws? Good times, good times.
SCORE: Caught on Video, Fleeing the Scene, Criminal Mastermind, Crime Spree, Should Have Taken the L, Face/Neck Tattoos, Glamour Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man whose car broke down arrested after found drinking wine in parking lot
I don't see the problem here. He clearly wasn't driving.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man arrested after bizarre forklift and ATM joyride through streets
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business in the middle of the night driving through town on your stolen forklift with a stolen ATM machine on it and maybe I gotta back up a second because you had this cunning plan where you were going to take an ATM machine somewhere you could break into it in private so you got this forklift and the real genius part is that you can't even get pulled over for driving a forklift but even if you do you can tell the cops it's not even yours and you just found it like that so anyway the cops pull you over anyway and the cop is all like "What's up bro? What y'all got going on?" so you figure you'll distract him by taking him around to the back of the forklift where you tell him your dropped something and then when he's looking down you take off running but that cop is real quick and the next thing you know you're in cuffs and he's staying stuff like "I told you to take a seat" just because maybe you tried to wander off after he found your burglar tools and now the only private spot you're in is the county lockup.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Fleeing the Scene, Criminal Mastermind, Should Have Taken the L, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, and a Bonus Point for getting "forklift" and "ATM" into the same headline for me. Really appreciated that.
RUNNING TOTAL: 29 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes (Some Wear Little Vests)
Therapy Dog Credited with Awakening Florida Woman from Coma
Do I really need to warn you about the internet-transmissible onion fumes? Consider that your warning:
Priscilla Timmons of Cooper City had been in a coma at Memorial Hospital West for more than 24 hours when something wonderfully odd occurred.
She felt Scrunchie, a golden retriever, nuzzle her finger, and reached out to the therapy dog who had been brought to her bedside in the intensive care unit at Memorial West Hospital in Pembroke Pines.
Until then, Timmons, only 38 at the time, said she could hear her family beside her in the ICU praying and encouraging the medical staff to pray. She knew she was fighting for her life, but had been unable to open her eyes or communicate. Her cousin, knowing Timmons is a dog lover, asked for the therapy pet to visit.
“I remember, while unable to open my eyes, having a very special visitor, one of the Memorial’s special therapy dogs,” Timmons said on Wednesday when she returned to Memorial West to reunite with her medical team and 7-year-old Scrunchie. “I remember everyone telling me she was there. I then felt her paw and that’s when I was able to move my fingers and lift my hand off of the bed.”
By almost every measure, Timmons had less than a 10% chance of survival.
Now that's a good girl.
Exit Question: Is Scrunchie maybe the cutest name for a Golden ever?
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Good Dog, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 34 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Step Out of the Porta-Potty With Your Hands up and Your Pants Down
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 34 points for yet another big-scoring average of 6.8.
I don't know if we've made America all the way great again, but it's safe to say that Florida is ahead of the curve.
Meanwhile, in New Jersey...
P Diddy's prison 'overrun with inmates having mass orgies in showers at night'
Personally, I think it's nice that the other inmates are doing whatever it takes to make Diddy feel right at home.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest BIRTHDAY BOY Kevin Downey Jr at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
