It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll never learn where the wooden stakes came from, why she wouldn't go home with the cop, or how much Arizona Judge really had to drink.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Pantless Florida car thief storms out of porta-potty ‘wielding two wooden stakes’
With a lead like this, it was no trouble at all choosing this week's top story: "A strung-out, half-naked Florida man swiped a construction worker’s vehicle and tried to run him over with it — then attempted to hide from cops in a porta-potty before emerging pantless and 'wielding two wooden stakes.'"
Where did the stakes come from? Never mind, I don't want to know.
The short version, such as it is, is that Florida Man, dressed just in sweat pants, wandered up from the beach — stoned out of his mind — to a private construction site. He started an argument with a construction worker, tried to break into a shed, stole the guy's SUV, tried to run him over with it, ended up at a different construction site, and hid in a porta-potty. It was there that he ditched his pants, fled on foot with the wooden stakes, and got tasered by police while trying to break into another car.
Maybe there's some sort of naked vampire-slayer service in Cape Coral.
This one could have been today's "Don't you hate it when..." story, but wait until you see which story made that cut.
Great start, Florida Man.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Tasered/Pepper Sprayed, Vehicular Madness, Public Nudity, Hide & Seek, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes.
TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Hitchin' a Ride, You're Doing It Wrong
The patience police officers routinely display is mind-boggling. I mean, I lose my temper at me for a lot less than what happened in this next report.
Employees at a Gainesville McDonald's had to call the police when Florida Woman locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out. The deputy showed up and tried to get her name, but she gave a fake one. Then there was a negotiation to get her out of the bathroom, which she finally did. Florida Woman needed a ride home, but her phone was dead, so the deputy charged it for her.
All good, right? Wrong.
This is Florida Woman, after all.
According to the report, the deputy watched Florida Woman walk away while she allegedly called 911, telling dispatchers that she was at a nearby Circle K store and needed a ride home. The deputy told her that making such a call was a criminal offense, and she offered to drive her home. Florida Woman, who had apparently still not provided her real name to the deputy, refused the offer.
Then, police said, she allegedly called 911 again, asking for a ride home.
Fourteen times, she called 911, despite the offered ride and repeated instructions to stop harassing 911. That's when the cuffs went on, and enough resisting arrest that more cops had to show up just to get her in the patrol car. Oh, and the death threat.
She ended up with a $35,000 bond for not accepting a polite police officer's offer of a ride home.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Assaulting a Cop, Resisting Arrest, Hide & Seek, Should Have Taken the L, Famous Last Words, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Meet the Monsters
Dad of the Year
This one's just a hot mess, and the kid is basically a hero for calling 911.
Florida Man — apparently a total jerk — was arguing with Florida Wife in a moving car with their three kids in back. One of the kids called 911 because the argument was so heated. They didn't give an age, but the implication is that this was a little kid.
A police chase ensued, including Florida Man striking the wife and the kid, before he jumped out of the moving car, forcing his wife to slide over to take control from the passenger seat.
The family seems to be fine, but going by the mugshot, Florida Man must have landed on his face.
Good.
Florida Man was charged with "tampering with or harassing a witness, domestic violence battery, fleeing or attempting to elude a law enforcement officer, resisting arrest without violence, child abuse, false imprisonment and driving while license suspended or revoked," and I hope they throw the book at him.
SCORE: Police Chase, Vehicular Madness, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Domestic Bliss, Hold My Beer, Instant Karma, Glamor Mugshot, and a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness to the kid.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man jailed 20 minutes after release for rock-throwing at patrol cars
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man Tries To Stab N.J. Cops With Pen At Hotel
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're up in New Jersey and you don't even know why because it's New Jersey right and you're in this hotel and maybe you're staying there and maybe you're not but whatever because you took a lot of drugs and you aren't even sure what or how much so you wander down to the hotel restaurant and there are all these people just sitting there in front of all these plates with all this tasty food on them and the munchies kick in so you try taking food off their plates but for whatever reason they don't like you doing that and they're telling you to leave but you're still hungry which is when the police show up and grab you so you put up a fight and all these capped syringes fall out of your pocket and you don't even remember putting them there but whatever so you grab a pen out of one cop's pocket and try to stab him with it which is when they pepper spray you and get the cuffs on and you end up at the hospital with three of the cops which tells you just how good a fight you put up but you're still tying to figure out what the hell you're doing in New Jersey?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: You Can Take the Man Out of Florida... (new!), Drugs/Alcohol, Tasered/Pepper Sprayed, Assaulting a Cop, Resisting Arrest, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Should Have Taken the L, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 31 FMF Points.
Florida Correction: Last week, I accidentally gave double-counted an FMF point on one story. So the correct total was 39, not 40 FMF points.
My bad, but Florida Man STILL set a new record last week with 7.8.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Good Samaritans rescue 74-year-old Florida Man from burning Porsche
True story.
Several years ago, I drove past a burning car — I mean, it was on damn fire, front to back — but didn't stop because the first responders were already there. I only mention it because I drove past at about 45 MPH with the fiery wreck on my passenger side.
So it only took a couple of seconds to drive by, but in that tiny slice of time, I could feel the heat on my right cheek, all the way across the empty passenger seat. And I didn't even pass that close — the car was at the top of an I-25 exit ramp, not even on the shoulder.
Cars burn hot is what I'm trying to say. Remember that when you read this:
According to the Clearwater Police Department (CPD), the man was trapped inside the burning car on Friday afternoon on Gulf-to-Bay Blvd in Clearwater.
In the video, an unidentified man wearing a black motorcycle helmet is seen pulling the man from the car and dragging him to safety.
Police say the man was taken to Plant Hospital for treatment.
"To all the good Samaritans who came to the rescue when a man was trapped inside a burning car, you are our heroes," CPD wrote in a post to Facebook. "Thank you for stepping up to the plate."
Indeed.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, The Elderly, Caught on Video, and the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 37 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Half a Skull, Full of Trouble
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 37 points for a near-record average of 7.4.
Is it something in the water this month?
Meanwhile, in Arizona...
Drunk judge caught with her pants down peeing in public — as cops haul away interfering husband | Patrick Reilly, New York Post
— Owen Gregorian (@OwenGregorian) November 2, 2025
Wild video showed a drunk Arizona judge with her pants down, peeing in public — with her town-official husband then wrestled to the ground while trying… pic.twitter.com/DHSwBX9gw7
Drunk judge caught with her pants down peeing in public — as cops haul away interfering husband
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
