It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn who the police can depend upon to ID a suspect, how not to thank a lady for a ride, and when Michigan Man committed one of my favorite crimes.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Knife-wielding Florida Man allegedly threatened to eat neighbor’s dog over trespassing dispute
Before we get to the details, please know that no dogs were harmed in the making of this news item.
It was probably overkill when Florida Man threatened to eat his neighbor's dog when she walked it across property he believed was his. The New York Post report never made it clear whether the property was actually his, but in my head, it wasn't because the story is even funnier that way.
Anyway, the woman called the police, but by the time they arrived, she and Florida Man had settled the dispute.
No harm, no foul — right?
Wrong:
A little over an hour later, the madman approached his neighbor’s home with a knife and began to threaten her and her family, according to the sheriff’s office.
An Interlachen police officer responded and heard Florida Man launch threats at the woman, who said the unhinged man had warned he’d stab her for calling the cops on him, according to authorities.
Just to rub more salt into his self-inflicted wound, Florida Man repeatedly told the arresting deputy that he would "beat" his neighbor just as soon as he got out of jail.
I don't know when that might be, but I bet Florida Dog might enjoy approximately 160 pounds of the other, other white meat.
What? Fair's fair!
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Good Dog, Should Have Taken the L, Domestic Bliss, Glamor Mugshot, Famous Last Words, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
She Did WHAT Now?
Florida Woman charged with credit card theft after identifying herself in social media post
This next story begins with a simple case of credit card fraud before going seriously off the rails.
Because Florida Woman.
So Elderly Florida Woman was at a nail salon, where Idiot Florida Woman, age 19 stole her card. A few days later, Elderly Florida Woman noticed her card was missing, and 10 fraudulent charges worth over $500.
During the ensuing investigation, a detective obtained surveillance footage from various stores where the victim's card was used. Authorities considered their suspect to be a white woman with "long dark hair" and who "was wearing a white camouflage jacket."
Otherwise, however, investigators had little to go on.
A few weeks later, police posted an "attempt to identify" request on Facebook with a fuzzy photo of Idiot Florida Woman off a surveillance video.
Idiot Florida Woman dutifully reported to the police station to help.
Read that last line again.
"Later that day, detectives were notified that a woman had called the Flagler County Emergency Communications Center and advised that she was the individual in the photo and asked to speak with detectives working on the case," police said in a press release.
"When detectives showed Idiot Florida Woman images of the suspect taken from the surveillance footage — one of which showed the suspect in Walmart using the credit card to purchase items including notebooks and pens — she acknowledged that it was her in the photographs," the press release goes on. "Later during the interview, she showed detectives the contents of her backpack, which contained notebooks and pens appearing to be the same ones purchased at Walmart."
I got nothin' for anyone that stupid.
SCORE: Likely Story, Surveillance Video, The Elderly, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: What in the Actual Hell Is Wrong With the Democrats?
Please Put That Away, Sir
Florida Man arrested after allegedly exposing penis to woman who didn’t want to see it
Did you ever get too drunk to drive, but not too drunk to do laundry, so you got a ride to a friend's house to use their washing machine from a nice lady that you then exposed yourself to in the car?
No?
Just Florida Man then.
It gets worse.
Having failed to impress the nice lady with unwanted exposure, Florida Man started calling her constantly and even showed up at her house. That's when the police got involved, and when the story went to press, he was being held without bond. But hopefully with pants.
Gentlemen, I can't believe I need to say this again, yet here we are. So here I go: There is an extremely limited set of circumstances when a woman wants to see your penis. Hard to understand, I'm sure, but even the set of women is limited. If you're in doubt — or, say, in a park — the answer is almost certainly "No."
I hope this helps.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol, Should Have Taken the L, The Villages, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man cites barber appointment after getting clocked going more than 100 mph
"Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what the police didn't say.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man arrested 9 days after breaking into an apartment while naked
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes maybe you took some pills and stuff so you strip off your clothes and go looking for cool stuff that other people might have in their apartments that you might want and so you find this one place where nobody is home and the sliding glass door isn't locked which is entirely their fault then once you're inside you find this nice looking camera so you grab it but you're kinda woozy from those pills and you gotta sit down on the sofa but that's when their dog starts barking and it turns out they're home after all and they're all looking at you naked on the sofa so you're all like "I'm sorry" and you realize maybe you'd better leave but on your way out you maybe poop on their patio when it occurs to you it would be lovely if you left them a warm message to think about so you write "blessed and drugs" on the patio door with your poop but by the time you get home you realize you forgot the camera and then by the time the police arrest you a week later you barely even remember why?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity, Way to Take the L, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Officer hailed as hero after saving family of 4 during house fire
WFTV won't let me embed the video, but here's the story:
The dramatic rescue was captured on body camera footage, showing Officer Andrew Hinds responding swiftly to the scene after noticing flames.
Officer Hinds remarked on the incident, saying he was just in the right place at the right time.
The fire started when a truck parked in front of the home caught fire, prompting the emergency response.
Fortunately, the family of four managed to escape the blaze unharmed, thanks to the quick actions of Officer Hinds.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesome, and another one each for all for rescues.
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Do NOT Take a Sip From His Thermos
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 28 points for a respectable average of 5.6.
A year ago, that would have been a high score. These days, it's merely respectable.
Meanwhile, in Michigan...
Michigan Man Steals Ambulance With Paramedic and Patient inside Before Fiery Crash
When was the last time you stole an ambulance, Florida Man?
Do better.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
