It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn the lyrics to "40 Oz to Incarceration," the worst way to show appreciation to a firefighter, and where to take an excavator on a joyride.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man with thermos inserted in body caught sneaking it into Polk County Jail
So Florida Man was minding his own business, strolling naked through a Winter Haven park. By the time the police showed up, he'd put his clothes back on. The cops trespassed him out, but decided to give him a break and let him go.
Instead of being grateful, Florida Man walked right back into the park he'd just been trespassed out of, forcing the police's hands.
His in-processing body scan revealed a thermos, as Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd put it, "up the exit ramp." Florida Man had "25 prior arrests and had been to state prison five times," so you'd think he'd know all about cavity searches and such.
It's unclear exactly when Florida Man put the thermos in the last place you'd want to store any potables, or how long it had been up there. The thermos was, however, considered life-threatening. "We had to take him to the hospital," Judd said. "They had to find a specialist."
Pro Tip: Skip that day in med school so the hospital has to call in somebody else.
Fox13 News reported, "Judd said the deputy likely saved his life even though Florida Man threatened to kill the deputy for arresting him."
I have so many questions, presented below in no particular order:
- How?
- Why?
- HOW?
- WHY?
- HOW, Florida Man, and WHY?
I did have one more question that I submitted to Grok along with the x-ray: "Judging by this X-ray, what capacity thermos did Florida Man insert into his rectum? He's a grown adult male of average size."
I had to ask Grok because GPT demurred. Or perhaps it crapped out — you make the call!
Are you ready for some additional TMI? It doesn't matter; you're getting it, anyway:
Based on the X-ray, the thermos appears roughly 12 inches long, spanning from near the pubic symphysis up toward the lower ribs in the pelvic cavity. For an average adult male (about 5'9" tall, with a pelvic height of 18-20 cm and transverse diameter of 11-13 cm), this aligns with standard stainless steel thermos dimensions: a 40 oz model is typically 12.3 inches tall and 3.7 inches in diameter, matching the object's cylindrical shape and width relative to the surrounding bones.
"Common 40 oz thermoses," Grok concluded, "like the Thermos Stainless King, fit this profile exactly."
"40 Oz. to Freedom," baby.
Final thought: Maybe he doesn’t understand how thermoses work and he was just trying to keep it warm.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: You Hid It WHERE?, Went Viral, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Public Nudity, Resisting Arrest, Someone's Bottom Area, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and a Bonus Point for the thermos.
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Ten? What an opener, eh?
She Was Probably Asking for It
Naked Florida Woman accused of battery punches firefighter trying to get her to cover up
When you're so belligerently drunk that you've been reported for domestic battery, including attempted strangulation, it's probably best not to wait outside for the authorities to show up, totally naked.
It would probably also be best not to attack the nice lady firefighter who tried to cover you up.
But at this point, the part where Florida Woman also resisted arrest seems virtually inevitable.
Back in the '90s, I used to keep tally of the number of guys dragged out of their homes (often mobile homes) wearing nothing but boxers. These days, the suspect has to be totally naked to grab my attention, and Florida Persons rarely disappoint.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol, Assaulting a Cop Firefighter, Resisting Arrest, Domestic Bliss, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
It's going to be another high-scoring week, isn't it?
Exclusively for our VIPs: You Only Think the 'Trans' Crisis Is Over
Drive It (and Burn It) Like You Stole It
Florida Man Arrested After Stealing and Setting Fire to Grandmother’s Car
Somebody needs to spank this guy:
Florida man landed in handcuffs after allegedly swiping his grandma’s ride, wrecking it, then trying to torch the darn thing before bolting like his pants were on fire. Miami Township cops rolled up around 2:30 a.m. Wednesday after some sharp-eyed local spotted a smashed-up sedan near Route 450 and U.S. 50, then watched a tall man in a white tee and jeans sprint away from the mess like he was training for the Olympics.
Officers found the poor car nose-dived in a ditch, banged up beyond belief with weird scorch marks along the driver’s seat and gas tank somebody clearly tried (and spectacularly failed) to light up. A quick license plate check led them straight to the owner, an elderly woman who said that her grandson had snatched the keys earlier that night without so much as a “pretty please.”
How do you manage to not set a car on fire? The things are full of gas and oil.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, The Elderly, Criminal Mastermind, Domestic Bliss, and a rare Demerit for doing that to his own grandmother.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points
Yep, big scores all around.
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Firefighter accused of throwing close to 100 painted red tampons onto ex-boyfriend's lawn
I can fix her!
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Naked Florida Man terrorizes neighborhood — and locals say he’s lucky he wasn’t shot
You know what I hate?
You know how it's a regular Tuesday night when you strip off your clothes and see what kind of fun you can get into around Pinellas Park because really that's about the only way to have fun there and anyway you saw that cop show where they nailed the perp with some clothing fibers he left behind but you're too smart for that so anyway you're cruising through people's backyards doing stuff like breaking into houses and just looking at stuff because you don't have any pockets or anything and maybe you throw a potted plant through some guy's truck window because YOLO and you walk right up to this other guy's house and ring the doorbell and wasn't he shocked as hell when you're standing there naked and at this other house you take an ax from the shed and you were gonna do something with it but then you forgot and you steal this soda from an outdoor fridge and you jump a fence and don't tell nobody but you're playing with yourself the whole time and by now you've disturbed pretty much the whole neighborhood when for whatever reasons the cops show up so then you're just sitting there in jail wearing that stupid orange jumpsuit wondering why you didn't get shot?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Probation Violation, Public Nudity, Caught on Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Woman creates app providing vital resources for hurricane-hit areas
Hero stories were a bit scarce this week, but I did find this item about Heather Hackett, who created a disaster relief app:
Her firsthand experience from the aftermath of Hurricane Ian, and the disorganization she says followed, was the inspiration for creating her app called "Local Relief."
Whether you’re searching for a generator, wondering if local roads are flooded, or if you’re curious if schools are closed, you’re not the only one with questions. Your neighbors are wondering the exact same thing!
Information you can post in your city group includes where to purchase supplies, road closures, power outages, sandbag collections, food drives, lost and found pets, local flooding, you name it.
After the disaster has passed, the ‘Local Relief’ app provides the short and long-term recovery platform to share your needs, updates, and information on local organizations with boots on the ground. It also offers information on local, state, and federal resources for more help.
Heather hopes to "ease stress and speed up recovery efforts in an organized way."
My wife would love her.
App development might not seem quite as cool as saving a puppy from a burning building, or grandma from a gator attack, but it's still pretty awesome.
So, yes, the next time a hurricane hits and residents wonder where they can find the basics... there's an app for that.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 33 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Introducing Florida Quinceañero
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 33 points for another big average of 6.6.
Meanwhile, in Georgia...
Georgia Man charged with DUI after excavator joy ride in north Georgia county
Good times:
The incident involved a Komatsu PC 290 LC excavator, which was parked on Happy Tails Way near the site of the new Habersham County Animal Shelter.
Callers to Habersham County E-911 reported an excavator traveling along Old Athens Highway just after 7:45 p.m.
Deputies then responded to Happy Tails Way near the site of the new Habersham County Animal Shelter. They found a Komatsu PC 290 LC excavator stopped on a private driveway.
They also found Georgia Man and arrested him on Old Athens Highway shortly before 8 p.m.
Deputies say he damaged a mailbox with the 30-ton excavator, but didn’t hit any other structures or vehicles.
That's all? Seems like a bit of a missed opportunity.
The mugshot is real, BTW.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest(s!) KDJ and Chris Queen at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
