It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn all about Florida Quinceañero, how not to get to your doctor's appointment, and why old, rich California Men shouldn't date former 27-year-old hotties.
You probably already knew that last one, didn't you?
Anyway, let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
I admit that when I first read the headline, I was taken aback.
But let's look past the headline, shall we?
An officer approached the boy... who said that when he got home from school that day, his parents told him they were taking a trip.
After he walked the family dog, he saw them 'frantically throwing clothes into two duffel bags' before rushing the him and his eight-year-old sibling into the car, the affidavit said.
Once the teenager was told that their destination was 'either Guam or Idaho', he said he didn't want to go, police said.
That's allegedly when his parents kicked him out of the car, leaving him with two semiautomatic pistols in a bag and some cash. He was also told to 'take care of the house', police said.
OK, that's still pretty bad, even though Florida Dad called Florida Boy "the chosen one" when he kicked him out of the car, and "often saddles him with difficult tasks like this to test his 'mental fortitude.'"
The parents were arrested soon after and without incident. They're up on all kinds of charges, of course, but did you know there's even more to the story?
Prison Mitch explains:
This is called a “Florida quinceañero.” The boy is not allowed to come home until he has grown a mullet and bagged a gator. Then Florida Boy becomes Florida Man. https://t.co/B5jyTPfZtf
— Prison Mitch (@MidnightMitch) October 10, 2025
Really, the only thing missing from this heartwarming tale is that Florida Boy was not named Sue.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Likely Story, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Way to Take the L, Domestic Bliss, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Late for a Very Important Date
Florida Woman accused of stealing motorized Publix shopping cart to drive herself to appointment
You know how sometimes you're running late for a doctor's appointment, so you steal one of those motorized shopping carts from a Publix along the way? You know, one of those carts you could walk faster than?
No?
Just Florida Woman then:
Deputies tracked Florida Woman to a Circle K gas station on South Tamiami Trail, almost a mile from the Publix.
Deputies met with her, who was still sitting on the cart, and confirmed that the cart, valued at $2,500, was stolen from the Publix.
Emergency medical services then arrived on the scene due to a phone call that Florida Woman had made prior to deputies speaking with her, the CCSO said.
Deputies questioned Florida Woman, who told them that she had taken the motorized shopping cart to go to a medical appointment she had. She told deputies she planned on driving the cart to her appointment and then bringing it back to the Publix.
"Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what police didn't say.
But they did take her to the hospital for her appointment, and were also good enough not to arrest her until it was over.
Win-win!
SCORE: Scooter/Golf Cart, Convenience Store, Élan (that one's for the cops), Criminal Mastermind, Way to Take the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: From Anathema to Applause — What Changed for Trump?
I Though This Was the 97 Items or Less Lane
81-year-old serial shoplifter strikes again in The Villages
You'd think she was old enough to know better:
An 81-year-old serial shoplifter has been jailed without bond after a failed $563 heist at Walmart at Buffalo Ridge Plaza in The Villages.
Florida Woman was at the store at about 4 p.m. Wednesday when a loss prevention officer spotted the Kansas native in the crafts aisle, according to an arrest report from the Sumter County Sheriff’s Office. She appeared to be suspiciously stuffing merchandise into shopping bags. Florida Woman headed for the Christmas aisle, where she lingered for a bit. She then left the store with “no attempt to stop at the register and pay for the items,” the report said.
She was escorted to the loss prevention office where she was found to have 97 items worth $563.
You won't be shocked to learn that Florida Woman is already on felony probation after fleeing the same Walmart in her Mercedes SUV with more than $300 in stolen merchandise.
IN HER MERCEDES.
SCORE: The Elderly, The Villages, Walmart/Target, Shoplifting (New! But should be old!), Glamor Mugshot, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman Caught Eating Canned Beans In The Middle Of A Burglary
Same.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Naked Florida Man chases Walmart workers, found "agitated and paranoid" in woods
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're buck naked at Walmart totally minding your own business and chasing customers around which turns out to maybe not be quite as fun as you thought it might be now that PeopleOfWalmart.com isn't even a thing anymore so it isn't like you're going to get featured there next week so you take off for the woods but for whatever reason somebody at Walmart must have called the police because now there's cops looking for your buck-naked self out there in the woods even though there's no law against that or maybe there is but whatever so you finally get tired from all the running and when the cops catch up to you they put you in cuffs even though it's pretty obvious you aren't carrying anything then they ask you your name and you tell them something that might be close to your actual name but you aren't entirely sure and then you're sitting there in jail trying to remember what you were supposed to pick up at Walmart?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Public Nudity, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Walmart/Target, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Two Florida teens spreading joy to seniors with flower deliveries
Somebody raised their daughters right:
Ella Guagliano and Sienna Barboni run the nonprofit Petal Forward where they deliver flower arrangements to senior citizens at local nursing homes.
The high school seniors were inspired by their own experiences.
For Ella, it was visiting her grandma in the hospital when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
Meanwhile, Sienna remembers visiting her great-grandparents in the same nursing home where they now do many of their drop-offs.
The girls say they realized even the smallest act of kindness could bring big smiles, especially to those who might otherwise feel isolated.
Those young ladies brought me a big smile, and I didn't even get any flowers.
SCORE: Went Viral, The Elderly, Entrepreneurship, and the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Ella and Sienna.
RUNNING TOTAL: 29 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Ate His WHAT?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 29 points for a respectable average of 5.8.
That's a lower average than we've seen in recent months, but still well above where it used to be.
I'm not exactly sure how that works, but I'm pretty sure somebody blames Ron DeSantis for it.
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles...
Police say she loves 'em and leaves 'em after stealing their stuff. A Penthouse Pet accused of luring local men for love before burglarizing their pads. They might not be her only victims. The women who say they were targeted too. Tonight at 11 from ABC7. https://t.co/zaiKTTRr7G pic.twitter.com/kczg6hxYIg
— ABC7 Eyewitness News (@ABC7) October 11, 2025
Gentlemen, we need to speak frankly.
If you're older than I am, have a significant amount of money, and a 27-year-old woman who looks like that seems interested in, then you are about to get ripped off.
Hey, maybe you might figure it's worth it. But just know what you're getting into.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
