Before we dive deep into the muck of today's Totally True Tale of Truly Twit Criminality, allow me to take a moment to explain how I approach these stories.
I understand there's a certain appeal to a life of crime. You get to set your own hours, be your own boss*. You get to interact with the public in unusual ways. There are no licensing requirements or meddlesome regulatory agencies to deal with. And, if you'll allow me to be completely honest, you get to just take the money.
*Mafia-style criminal organizations excepted, of course.
So I get it, even with drawbacks like the police, courts, jail, turf wars, lack of job security and benefits, and no retirement plan.
What I don't get is criminals who practically beg for the police to come take them away.
Many years ago, I knew a recovering alcoholic who had cleaned up his life, found an honest job, was working his AA/NA programs, all that good stuff. But due to some, ah, antics he'd gotten up to during his old life, he couldn't get a driver's license. If I recall correctly, if he got caught driving without one again, he was going back to prison. But a man's gotta work, and that requires a car.
He did not get behind the wheel without first checking all the lights — headlights, taillights, brake lights, turn indicators, everything — and he obeyed all traffic laws with the religious fervor of a convert. Which, now that I think about it, when it came to driving, was pretty much what he was.
With all that in mind, I want you to picture yourself as an illegal alien living near a Portland ICE facility right now, today, during President Donald Trump's crackdown on people just like you. This, you must imagine, would be a good time to drive like that old acquaintance of mine, metaphorically and literally speaking.
Or — hear me out on this one — maybe you could take a slightly different approach. Maybe, instead of keeping your head down, you could get one of those high-powered laser pointers and try to blind the pilot of an actual CBP helicopter on the prowl for illegals like yourself. Think of it as the Bat Signal, but for total retards.
And also your three buddies there at your apartment who got arrested, too.
Federal authorities said four people were taken into custody after a laser pointer was aimed at a Department of Homeland Security helicopter in Portland — all illegal aliens.
The FBI Portland Division said the incident happened on Saturday evening.
Agents said a Customs and Border Protection helicopter was conducting law enforcement operations when it was struck by the laser.
A search of the residence uncovered the "laser device," as the FBI put it, and four of the stupidest human beings this side of a Florida Man Friday story involving 37 beers, one stolen police car, and two angry hookers.
"Agents made contact with the subject, as well as three other inhabitants who were at the residence. All four suspects are in the U.S. illegally, and were placed into the custody of ICE Seattle personnel," the FBI's Portland field office posted to X on Monday.
All four numbskulls face deportation and, one hopes, with all due haste.
Maybe I should have held off on this one for the "Meanwhile, in..." item at the end of Florida Man Friday, but you'll understand why I just couldn't wait.
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