Remember when the Biden White House tried to make doddering Joe Biden look cool with those Dark Brandon memes? They were a pale imitation of Donald Trump's meme game — "imitation" because Trump and his supporters went there first, and "pale" because that was the actual condition of our doddering pretender POTUS.
Humor requires a germ of truth, which is why those over-the-top Trump memes rarely fail to hit the funny bone. Love him, hate him, or whatever, Trump has been an over-the-top presence in American life for four decades.
This brings us to Dank Gavin. "Gavin" because it's a nerdy name perfectly suited for an awkward semi-dunce — a guy who plays at being cool but never quite pulls it off. And "Dank" because I'm pretty sure he and his clueless media team are stoned out of their gourds.
Newsom’s personal X account, I wrote last week, is now a virtual clone of Trump’s famously combative style — the distinction being that Trump ran a successful business and entertainment empire before entering politics, while Newsom’s record includes self-dealing, spiraling budget deficits, endless billion-dollar promises to end the homeless crisis, a High-Speed Train from Merced to Bakersfield Maybe Someday, and epic forest mismanagement (leading to more self-dealing).
And Another Thing: I promised last week I wouldn't write about Newsom any longer, at least not until the next time. And here we are. This won’t be the last time I break my Newsom blackout. I accept that about myself, and I hope you will, too.
This seems to be the plan:
- Hire pros to mean-tweet like Trump.
- ???
- President Gavin!
The first problem, of course, is that Newsom is no Trump, online or off, and the whole thing stinks of inauthenticity. The second, larger problem, is that Newsom doesn't even write his own material. The social media campaign was based on the meta-inauthenticity you've come to expect from Governor Hair Gel.
Which, if I'm being honest, is a sort of meta-meta authenticity.
Now I feel like I'm stoned out of my gourd.
The whole campaign hit like a busted firehose, flailing wildly and soaking everything in reach.
Gavin with the ghost of Hulk Hogan? Why not! Tiny hands jokes left over from the '80s? Go for it! Try to look cooler in high school wearing your Burberry scarf than JD Vance goofing off with a couple of girls in a funny yearbook photo? Sure thing!
What I didn't expect from Dank Gavin's firehose of desperation was his team going after big-city Democrat mayors.
F*** yeah!
St. Louis’ murder rate is a staggering 190% higher than Oakland’s. Do you think Fox will cover that? pic.twitter.com/XBMAHvEkxj
— Governor Newsom Press Office (@GovPressOffice) August 24, 2025
I'm not sure why Josh Hawley — a Republican senator who has nothing to do with St. Louis law enforcement — is in that tweet, except perhaps to distract from the fact that St. Louis hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1949.
But what I can say for sure is that if Dank Gavin wants to target Democrat-run cities that are in worse shape than Oakland, he won't run out of targets any time soon.
All top 10 cities for murder rates in the US are all run by Democrats. pic.twitter.com/PcaHNfsv2W
— John Hawkins (@johnhawkinsrwn) August 24, 2025
One more? One more:
Houston's mayor, Whitmire, is a Democrat. Its chief executive, Hidalgo, is a Democrat.
— Ellen Carmichael (@ellencarmichael) August 24, 2025
Is Team Newsom really arguing that a state's governor should be responsible for individual city stats? If so, I don't think he's going to like how that bodes for him. https://t.co/OWwsIq9ppV
Let's make it three:
Louisiana’s murder rate is nearly 3x higher than California’s. Funny how Fox never mentions that. pic.twitter.com/KtThsweMqF
— Governor Newsom Press Office (@GovPressOffice) August 25, 2025
What Dank Gavin doesn't want you to remember is that if you take Deep Blue New Orleans out of the mix, Louisiana's murder rate isn't great... but it is much better. "Excluding New Orleans," my paid research assistant, Ms. Chat GPT, found, "Louisiana’s 2023 homicide rate is roughly 13.0 per 100,000."
That's compared to New Orleans' murder rate of 48 per 100,000.
Here's the Mayor of New Orleans:
Happy to be in Nice, France for the 2025 United Nations Ocean Conference!
— Mayor LaToya Cantrell (@mayorcantrell) June 6, 2025
Today, I had the honor of renewing the historic Twinning Agreement between the @CityOfNOLA and the City of Nice — first signed in 2003 — alongside Mayor Christian Estrosi🇺🇸🤝🇫🇷https://t.co/YsSNFJQJ9w
I don't know what Dank Gavin has against a successful black woman doing her best to improve one of America's culturally most significant cities, but I won't stand for any more of his racist outbursts.
We should also find out what he's smoking, and stay far upwind from it.
Recommended: Newsom’s Trump Impression Is Spot-On — Except for All the Winning
🔥 Get the Full Story — and More 🔥
Go beyond the headlines with exclusive columns, deep-dive analysis, VIP-only podcasts, and live chats you won’t find anywhere else.
Join now and get 60% off with promo code FIGHT.
Join the conversation as a VIP Member