Today, I shall tell you the tales of three of Britain's greatest men, and the coin struck by the Royal Mint to commemorate the very greatest of them.
First, we have King Henry V, victor of Agincourt — immortalized in deed against the French more than 600 years ago and in word around 1598 by none other than William Shakespeare in his famous stage play.
At Agincourt in 1415, the outnumbered English army — heavy on longbowmen and light on armored men-at-arms — defeated twice as many nasty Frenchmen under Henry's inspired leadership. The resulting Treaty of Troyes in 1420 was so lopsided that Henry forced French King Charles VI to give Henry his daughter in marriage and recognized English monarchs as rightful heirs to the French throne upon Charles's death.
British monarchs maintained the claim (but not the French throne, obviously) until the Treaty of Amiens almost 400 years later.
Shakespeare's St. Crispin's Day speech — Henry's speech to his army on the eve of Agincourt — is such a cultural milestone that every war movie from "Braveheart" to "Return of the King" includes an homage.
Let's move forward a few years in history to the reign of George Michael, Duke of Wham! and King of the Pop Charts, circa 1987-1990. I like Michael's stuff. He had a lovely voice and, when he bothered to really try, wrote and recorded top-notch pop tunes like "Kissing A Fool" and "Cowboys And Angels."
No offense to the loyal subjects of Club Tropicana, but my first thought is that eight studio albums (three with Andrew Ridgeley as Wham! and five solo efforts) over 30 years hardly puts him in Royal Mint commemorative territory. The whole "dying young after two-plus decades of drug abuse and anonymous sex" would seem to tarnish his image a bit, too.
The Royal Mint's third contender isn't a man, exactly. It's the "Mr. Men" series of illustrated children's books (and related TV shows, etc.) by Roger Hargreaves and, later, his son Adam. Each book featured the adventures of a different character, drawn simply and in magic marker, like the clumsy Mr. Bump, the lazy Mr. Lazy, and the not-so-bright Mr. Scatterbrain.
"Mr. Tickle" was a particular favorite with my sons when they were toddlers, not least because lots of tickles accompanied each reading.
They're charming books, to be sure. And while I do sometimes miss the days of my wife scowling at me while I got one of our young sons all riled up at bedtime, it maybe doesn't quite measure up to killing 6,000 French soldiers and noblemen at a defining battle of the Hundred Years' War. I'm not sure how a smiling blob that walks into walls like Mr. Clumsy gets similar consideration as the man who reinvented medieval warfare, but I don't pretend to understand spotted dick, either.
It might not even measure up to selling 11 million copies of "Faith" and having Rolling Stone rank it on its 500 Greatest Albums of All Time .
Can you guess which one of these three titans of British history won't receive a coin?
Henry V, that's right.
It turns out that Mr. Man and George Michael have already gotten their Royal Mint coins (the mint did a terrible job on Michael's likeness). But Henry? He won't get one at all.
According to a weekend report in the Telegraph, recently released documents showed the Mint vetoed a proposal to commemorate Henry V "in its current form" because he was "not judged a sufficiently significant figure in British history."
What form of Henry would be acceptable to the Royal Mint? If he'd lost to the French? If he hadn't inspired Shakespeare? If he'd come out as trans?
It's the last one, isn't it?
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