It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the best-dressed drunk trying to open the wrong car door in the Applebee's parking lot, how not to ask for a free refill, and New Mexico Man's bologna smuggling operation.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Cops Bust Drunk Florida Man Wearing Pink Thong, Fake Breasts, Pink Wig
For reasons unknown, Florida Man was seen by patrons at a Clearwater Applebee's in a pink thong, a pink wig, and sporting fake breasts. He was stumbling around, trying to open the door of a car that wasn't his, and as police put it, "unable to provide for his own safety and well-being."
Ya think?
Florida Man's address was near the Applebee's, so maybe he just got a little lost. In so many ways.
You know the old rule that the people most interested in being naked in public tend to be the ones you least want to see naked in public? A similar rule applies to drunk guys in drag outside of Applebee's. It might not come up quite as often, but it's no less real.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Impersonation, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK?, and I have to award a bonus point but I'm not exactly sure what for.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Was That Wrong?
Naked Florida Man with beer, women's underwear arrested for exposure at crowded beach
Florida Man was hanging out on the beach, enjoying a few beers and some umbrella shade. Which is always nice. But there was also the unexplained pair of women's underwear and the letting his junk hang out. Which was not so nice.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and posit that Florida Man did not get the women's underwear from an actual woman.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: The Temptation of Artificial Validation
Leave Them Kids Alone
Florida Man Turns Violent After Being Denied a Free Refill at Kids' Lemonade Stand
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're enjoying a nice evening stroll and you see one of those adorable lemonade stands run by a bunch of cute kids and a nice lady who is probably one of the kid's mom so you walk right up and say "I'd like a lemonade please" and you pay your two dollars and they pour you the most refreshing glass of lemonade you've maybe ever had which is when you ask for a free refill because it isn't like there's some stupid sign that says NO REFILLS and anyway you know those little kids are MAKING BANK on a night like this but they say some stupid stuff like "sorry no refills" so you grab that greedy bossy mom by the wrist and you're all like GIMME MY FREE REFILL and I'M GONNA BEAT YOU UP but still no refills and somebody calls the cops so you take off running from those DAMN THIEF KIDS but the cops catch up and they find out you got all these priors for silly stuff like trespassing and drug possession and disorderly intoxication and assault with a deadly weapon so you admit to what you did this time and now you're sitting in jail with no lemonade?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but c'mon), Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L (on the refill), Way to Take the L (confession), Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man who threatened Trump on social media had 1,000+ rounds of ammo
1,000 or so rounds? Piker.
Dirty Harriet
Florida Woman allegedly held teens at gunpoint, said she'd ‘blow their heads off'
Two teenage boys, 13 and 15, went fishing in Melbourne. Florida Woman mistakenly believed the lake was part of her backyard and did what any of us would have done. She grabbed a rifle, held the boys at gunpoint, and threatened to "blow their heads off" while she called 911.
She called 911 on herself, effectively, for "aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and false imprisonment."
The 15-year-old said, "She was making us get down on the ground and saying, 'What makes you think you can come on my property?' And she was saying that if we did come on her property, she could blow our brains out."
Here's the kicker: It was a pellet gun. And her husband disarmed her after a few minutes when he noticed what was going on.
I'd advise Florida Woman to switch to decaf.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Stand-Off, Hold My Beer, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Hero tourist filmed saving three people from drowning off South Florida coast
Technically not Florida Man, but I'll allow it for all the Floridians saved:
Fernando Carrera of Greenville, South Carolina, was enjoying a family vacation on Singer Island when he heard screaming coming from the ocean on Saturday.
The 44-year-old shifted his gaze toward to commotion, quickly realizing there was a swimmer in dire need of saving.
Without hesitation he ran into the water to rescue the stranger.
'When I made the decision that I'm going in, I said, "Lord, please don't let this be my last day," Carrera told NBC Miami.
As shared in a Facebook post by Kim Kerr, his mother-in-law, Carrera successfully pulled the struggling swimmer out of the ocean and guided him to safety.
'I tried to tell him, "Stay with me. Stay with me," he recalled.
Carrera was pictured holding the man up by his chest as waves crashed around them after they made it into shallower waters.
He wasn't done yet: "Carrera wasted no time jumping right back in after seeing two teenagers flailing in the ocean."
Bravo, sir.
SCORE: One Sheer Awesomeness bonus point for each rescued swimmer, and one more for traveling all that way just to be a hero.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Had a Knife, Started a Gunfight
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
5 scored stories with a total of 23 points for an average of 4.6, which is a little on the low end of late. Still, some great stories and lots of glamor mugshots. Maybe it's the humidity.
Meanwhile, at the Mexican Border...
Albuquerque Man caught trying to smuggle 242 lbs of bologna into the country
Maybe he was just happy to see Customs.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
