Florida Man Friday: He Had a Knife, Started a Gunfight

Florida Man accused of DUI falls asleep in Taco Bell drive-thru before waking up and hitting parked car

Florida Citizen saw Florida Man driving recklessly and followed him to Taco Bell so he could keep an eye on him while he called the cops.

Florida Man placed his order at the drive-thru window and promptly fell asleep. After getting his food — I assume a helpful employee woke him up, but the story doesn't say — Florida Man drove off right into a parked car. He was arrested for DUI because "deputies believed he was under the influence of a controlled substance."

Taco Bell? Nap? Hit a parked car? Florida Man was more stoned than Cheech and/or Chong on a Tuesday afternoon.

Finally, this is the perfect opportunity to remind VIP members of the Taco Bell paradox. If you're stoned enough to think Taco Bell is a good idea, you are too stoned to drive to Taco Bell. Honestly, the entire chain should have long ago collapsed into a singularity generated by its own existence. 

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Taco Bell, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Drive-Thru Mayhem, Face/Neck Tattoos, Outstanding Warrant(s), Glamor Mugshot.

TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.

Florida Update: Detectives recover 4 diamond earrings 2 weeks after suspect swallowed them during arrest

I'm glad everything came out OK.

Was That Wrong?

Florida Man Masturbating at Train Stop on Video not a Metro Security Guard

So all of a sudden it's some kind of crime or something to dress up like a Metro Rail security guard and go pleasure yourself at a train station:

A rep for the Miami-Dade County Department of Transportation and Public Works tells TMZ ...  "We can confirm 100% that the individual is not a Miami-Dade Transit security guard nor a department employee in any other capacity. Transit security guards are part of the Allied Universal team and wear brown uniforms and do not use vests."

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ they're looking into this incident ... but, no official report has been filed, and they haven't made any arrests yet. It's unclear when the incident occurred -- the video was posted Tuesday.

You can watch the clip here if you must.

Police hope to catch the suspect red-handed. 

SCORE: Public Nudity, Caught on Video, Went Viral, Master of Disguise, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: The Case For (and Against) Trump's Tariffs

FA, Meet FO

Knife-wielding Florida Man shot, killed after charging at officer

Florida Police Officer was dispatched to check out reports of Florida Man wielding a large knife and acting erratically. They spoke briefly, but then Florida Man charged at a full sprint toward Florida Cop with the knife, before receiving multiple high-speed Glock ventilations.

Longtime Sharp VodkaPundit Readers™ know I almost never use stories where someone gets killed because they tend to spoil the FMF vibe.

But, c'mon, Florida Man did the Sean Connery thing — he brought a knife to a gunfight that he started himself.

Some people need a GoFundMe but for IQ points.

SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Surveillance Video, Drugs/Alcohol (the report doesn't say whether drugs or alcohol were involved, I'm making an educated guess), WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man Wearing "I Never Argue" T-Shirt Busted For Violent Argument With Woman

Missed it by THAT Much

Florida Man hiding in tree brought down by K-9 after leaving accomplice hanging during botched burglary

You know what I hate?

You know how sometimes you and your ladyfriend come with a plan for the perfect crime where the two of you sneak up on this shed that might have some stuff in it you can sell down at the flea market so you're rooting around in there but it's taking a while because your perfect plan for doing it at night hadn't counted on it being dark but apparently the lady who owns the shed hears you out there so she calls the cops and when they show up they get the cuffs on her right away so you take off and hide up in this tree but the cops brought one of those cop dogs and then he's down there snapping and barking and later the stupid police tell reporters stuff like "With the kind of enthusiasm only a four-legged deputy can muster, Scout encouraged the suspect down from his perch" because that dog didn't encourage me it damn near bit my leg off but anyway the whole plan would have worked if it hadn't been for unexpectedly getting caught and not having anywhere to go and also the cops and that dog?

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Good Dog, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Criminal Mastermind, Glamor Mugshot.

RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

'Above and beyond': Gov. DeSantis hosts 'Florida's Heroes' at Governor’s Mansion

Here are just a few examples of the people recognized at the "Florida's Heroes" event last Friday:

• Florida Highway Patrol Trooper Orlando Morales, who rescued the dog later known as "Trooper" from being tied up to a fence along Interstate 75 in Tampa as Category 4 Hurricane Milton barreled toward Florida.
• There's Lake County Master Deputy Bradley Link, who was shot in an ambush last August as he responded at the end of his shift to a disturbance in Eustis. Two other deputies were wounded trying to rescue Link, who later died from his wounds.
• Two-year-old Griffin Anderson, fighting cancer and recovering from an arm amputation, came to the stage in his father's arms. He was honored for "remarkable resilience, inspiring everyone around him with his strength and courage."

Exit quote: "They and dozens of others were honored."

Dozens. 

I don't have the first idea how to score one event with so many heroes, so I won't even try. Let's just call it "Infinity Points" and leave it out of this week's total. 

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Chilling With a Beer in His Stolen Ambulance

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Four scored stories with a total of 21 points for a respectable average of 5.25.

Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania...

BREAKING: Thief electrocuted stealing copper wire from a transformer box in Philadelphia.

Police say he is in critical condition with burns to his face, neck, chest and arms. pic.twitter.com/claXWnlZAv

— Dapper Detective (@Dapper_Det) March 20, 2025

Despite his burns, doctors describe Pennsylvania Man's attitude as "grounded."

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday