It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have assault with a deadly... you know, the lawnmower-based mailbox assault, and I'm still trying to figure out what Texas Man did wrong with that Port-a-Potty.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man riding lawn mower crashes into several mailboxes
I can't stop watching the video.
The story isn't bad, either:
Austin Bir, a neighbor in the area, expressed frustration.
"(Expletive) you. I hope you at least paid for these mailboxes to be fixed. Definitely don't hit my mailbox. And don’t hit my truck," Bir said.
One neighbor, Justin Crawford, went further, calling for the driver to be held accountable.
"He should be arrested and thrown in jail for driving while intoxicated on a lawnmower," Crawford said. “Be a man and turn yourself in. You shouldn't be doing this.”
Neighbors reported that the lawnmower rider left behind a Pittsburgh Steelers hat and a pair of sunglasses. Deputies are currently working to identify the individual responsible for the bizarre vandalism spree.
How hard can it be to find a drunk guy on a dented lawnmower?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Surveillance Video, Went Viral, Crime Spree, Hold My Beer.
RUNNING TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Good Horsie
Florida Police Horse nabs man after wild chase over drug deal
Florida Man was leisurely selling drugs when a mounted police officer saw the handoff. So, Florida Man took off running. Against traffic. Against a horse.
Here's my favorite line: "The Jacksonville Sheriff's Office said he then tried to run, but he didn’t anticipate the sheriff’s mounted unit closing in fast on his heels." Because, clearly, Florida Man is either an idiot or has never seen a horse before.
SCORE: Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Police Bodycam, Should Have Taken the L, and I'm awarding two bonus points on this one. One goes to the horse, Nash, because you know I can't resist. And another point to Florida Man for making it a quarter mile against a horse.
TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: The End of Other People's Money
Assault With a Deadly... Neck Massager, I Swear
Florida Woman Battered Hubby With A Dildo
Florida Police responded to a domestic disturbance call after Florida Woman — who had been drinking — started an argument with her (ex?) husband "about who he follows on Instagram" and struck him with a dildo several times.
Hers, presumably, but I try not to judge.
"When cops arrived at the man's home, [the man] warned that Florida Woman was inside naked and would 'flash' officers."
In Florida Woman's defense, her high school yearbook shows she was voted "Most Likely to be Found Naked by Police After Battering Somebody with a Sex Toy." With some people, you just know.
No word on whether the weapon was collected as evidence.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man accused of punching woman in face over handicapped parking spot at church
Never Date Crazy
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes this guy you've been dating starts seeing some other girl and you want to show him how much you still love him so you sneak into the parking lot of his apartment complex to egg his car and with the price of eggs right now he'll know for sure how much you love him but then after you egg his car you see him with that other girl and you can hear them talking crap about you so you get in your Range Rover and you hit the gas so hard that people say you were literally flying over the speed bumps and speaking of flying that's what your ex does when you hit him with your car but he wasn't hurt too bad which is kind of a shame so when the police come you tell them you didn't hit nobody he just jumped on your car because he's the bad guy here but they didn't buy that and now the only thing anybody wants to know is how a 19-year-old like you can afford a Range Rover AND a dozen eggs?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Should Have Taken the L, Domestic Bliss, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
North Naples man survived gator attack thanks to his neighbors
Wow:
Rick Fingeret never saw the alligator coming.
Not until it was too late.
“I looked up and I saw this thing coming after us with its mouth open,” the North Naples resident says. “You don’t want to ever see that.”
The alligator bit down on his right leg — hard — and wouldn’t let go. For several painful, terrifying minutes, Fingeret thought this might be the end for him.
And if two neighbors hadn’t seen him there on the ground, waving and yelling, it probably would’ve been the end, he says. He’d most likely be dead.
"Fingeret kept an almost supernatural level of calm and cool throughout the ordeal."
Here's the kicker: "That’s why Fingeret nominated those neighbors, Walt Rudder and Paula Keegan, for a Naples Daily News contest to win tickets to see comedian Jay Leno. They won the tickets and attended Leno’s show and a meet-and-greet Thursday, Feb. 6, at Hertz Arena."
How cool is that?
SCORE: Élan, Dangerous Wildlife, one bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness each to Walt and Paula. Another one to Rick, who could have just said "Thank you" and bought them a bottle of wine or something. And one more to each of Rick's dogs, who stayed by him during the whole thing.
Yeah, they were useless — they never even so much as barked at the gator — but you know I'm always going to give points to the dogs.
RUNNING TOTAL: 29 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Set the Fashion World Ablaze in His Dalmatian Onesie
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 29 points for another high-scoring average of 5.8.
Meanwhile, in Texas...
Texas Game Wardens bust man hunting in port-a-potty converted into deer blind
I'm having trouble seeing the problem here.
Regardless, a story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Jenn Van Laar at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
