It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week Florida Man went full "Miami Blues," Florida Woman's Corvette theft gone wrong, and Michigan Man's attempted lawnmower murder.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested after allegedly impersonating federal agent
This one is right out of "Miami Blues."
For reasons known only to Florida Man, the retired Office of Naval Intelligence officer decided to unretire himself and play cop. He made himself a fake ONI ID card, put blue cop lights on his Dodge Charger, and went out on patrol in Okaloosa County.
As, uh, ONI guys do.
Disguised, as it were, in a "New York City" t-shirt, Florida Man flashed his cop lights at another guy and pulled him over for reckless driving. As ONI guys do.
The driver called the real police, somehow seeing through Florida Man's cunning disguise. Florida Man stuck around long enough for deputies to arrive, who saw right through his fake ID, confiscated his Beretta M9, and took him off to jail, where he remains.
According to the story, ONI "confirmed that Florida Man is a retired ONI officer but stated that he had previously been warned about similar behavior."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Master of Disguise, Impersonation, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Way to Take the L, Recidivism.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Well, Sure, in Hindsight...
Florida Man ‘should have hid his cocaine’ before calling deputies to report a break in and battery
A "group of juveniles had been aggravating and harassing" 54-year-old Florida Man, including kicking in his door and hitting him with a broom handle. It was a bad scene, and Florida Man was absolutely right to call the police.
Polk County deputies arrested the 14-year-old who'd broken in but ended up taking Florida Man away, too. "While deputies were investigating and processing the scene, they saw Florida Man's cocaine and paraphernalia in plain view in the house."
You couldn't have hidden it in the freezer or something, Florida Man?
I would just like to add that Florida Man is a year younger than I am and looks a good ten years older. Please don't do drugs, kids — scotch is much more self-regulating.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Getting Caught Stupidly, Instant Karma, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Mission: Possible — Turning Trump Voters Into Republican Voters
Worst. Getaway. Ever.
Florida Woman Steals C7 Corvette With $60,000 Cash Inside
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you see this rich-looking idiot enjoying a smoke outside next to his Corvette right around the time you're thinking how much you'd like to have a Corvette so you hit him up for a smoke and he's being all charming and gives you one so you tell him how nice his car is and so he starts showing it off to you like men do and while you're scoping it out you notice there's this purse full of cash in there because he's got this construction company and his wife just took a big cash payment and while you're trying to figure out how to lift the cash you see the remote key fob is in there too and you can't believe your good luck so when the husband goes back in the restaurant you take off with the 'Vette and all the cash but the rich idiot calls OnStar or whatever and instead of speeding off the car comes to this real nice slow stop and the next thing you know you're sitting in jail like some poor-looking idiot.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, plus a You Hid It WHERE? and a WTF Were You Even THINKING? for the husband and wife for sticking $60,000 in a purse and leaving the fob in the car.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman 'puts gun' to Uber driver's head 'for refusing to let her dog in the car'
Were They Buffalo Wingdings?
Florida Man Accused of Hacking Disney World Menus, Changing Font to Wingdings
How long have I been doing Florida Man Friday — four years, five, longer? However long it's been, I'm pretty sure this is the first cybercrime story.
You know the Wingdings font? If I changed this sentence to Wingdings, it would look like this: ✋︎♐︎ ✋︎ ♍︎♒︎♋︎■︎♑︎♏︎♎︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ⬧︎♏︎■︎⧫︎♏︎■︎♍︎♏︎ ⧫︎□︎ 🕈︎♓︎■︎♑︎♎︎♓︎■︎♑︎⬧︎📪︎ ♓︎⧫︎ ⬥︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ ●︎□︎□︎🙵 ●︎♓︎🙵♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎.
I'm pretty sure only Cylons can read that.
Anyway, a recently fired Disney employee hacked into the Disney World system and changed all the electronic menus to Wingdings. "As a result of this change," according to the report, "all of the menus within the database were unusable because the font changes propagated throughout the database.”
Further, after being notified of a search warrant on his Google account, Florida Man was captured on a Ring doorbell camera visiting the residence of one of his alleged victims late at night. The affidavit states, "Florida Man then bends over and reads the label of a package that was on the doorstep. After reading the label, Florida Man gives the Ring camera a thumbs up, exits the front porch, and returns to the vehicle."
His lawyer claims that Florida Man has a "mental disability that caused a panic attack while he was at work." You know, a Wingdings-causing disability.
Less funny, the hacker also "allegedly changed menu listings to say that foods with peanuts in them were safe for people with allergies."
If everybody with a peanut allergy at Disney World on one day all died of peanut contamination, it would still do less damage to the company's reputation than "Snow White" reboot star Rachel Zegler already has. So they've got that going for them. Which is nice.
I'm not kidding. This is off-topic, but Zegler just did it again:
The funny part is Disney spent another year and probably another hundred million dollars trying to save Snow White and un-torpedo Zegler's PR and then she went and did this.
— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) November 13, 2024
Maybe she should have posted it in Wingdings.
SCORE: Resort/Theme Park/Casino, Criminal Mastermind, Surveillance Video, Élan, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
‘Died a hero': 19-year-old saved sister before drowning in Miami Beach, family says
This is a tough one:
On Saturday evening, Miami Beach Police responded to South Pointe Park after getting calls about a swimmer in distress. That swimmer was 19-year-old Victor Castaneda Jr., who family members said had gone into the water with his younger sister.
"They had just gotten in the water. As the sun was setting, they got caught in a rip current. They became distressed and yelling for help," said Jessica Castaneda, the teen’s older sister.
Only one of them would make it to safety.
“Two good Samaritans entered the water to help them," Jessica said. "They were able to get my little sister out."
She said when they looked back, her brother was already submerged and had already disappeared from sight.
"They were struggling for a long time," Jessica said. "He said his concerns to my sister while they were struggling, just trying to get out. Before he was submerged, he threw my sister, because he told her they were gonna die, and he threw her, and that was the last she saw of him. So my brother died a hero."
You'll forgive me for not scoring this one, but it feels more than a little crass to even try. Still, Victor Castaneda Jr deserves our recognition.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Was 10 Crew Members Short of Ocean's 11
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 19 points for a respectable average of 4.75.
Meanwhile, in Michigan...
Michigan Man charged with assault with intent to murder deputy after lawnmower chase
Michigan Man, you had me at "lawnmower chase."
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Jennifer Van Laar at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
