It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the Telephone Pole of Swift Justice, the classy night on the town in Boca, and Colorado Man being perfectly chill.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man slams into telephone pole while running from deputies
Sometimes it's the simple things that make me laugh the hardest because, while this certainly wasn't Florida Man's wildest escapade, I laugh every time I read the headline.
Florida Man and his two passengers were pulled over in Spring Hill on what I guess was a routine stop. But inside the car police would eventually find a giant doobie, a pillbox with Xanax written on it and a bunch of alprazolam inside, two baggies with fentanyl residue, three syringes of methamphetamine, four joints, paraphernalia, and a bunch more drugs.
So, yeah, a pretty routine stop in some parts of town.
One of the passengers refused to provide ID or give her name but police finally did manage to get her out of the car along with the other two. While police were searching the car and finding all the stuff, Florida Man made his great escape on foot and "ran right into a telephone pole and was immediately detained."
And now I'm laughing again.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism, Instant Karma.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
The Perfect Crime (Junior Edition)
It must have seemed like the perfect crime.
Florida Woman loaded up her cart at a Cape Coral Target with lots of the good stuff, including a vacuum and a barista machine. But instead of pretending to pay for her haul at the self-checkout or just brazenly walking out with it, she had some young kid push the cart out to the parking lot for her. Florida Woman and her accomplice (?) met up in the parking lot.
Hey, they're not going to make the kid serve time and, anyway, it was clear what relation (if any) the kid had with Florida Woman.
She would have gotten away with it, too, except she got caught panhandling the next day, the police recognized her from the Target surveillance video.
There are two possible lessons here. The first is to teach your children not to push carts for crazy strangers. The second is that if you're going to teach your children to steal, teach them to steal the big-ticket items.
And maybe not panhandle in the same town.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Surveillance Video, Walmart/Target, Glamor Mugshot, Getting Caught Stupidly.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Trump Can't Ditch the Income Tax for Tariffs, But Here's What He Could Do
You Usually Have to Go to Taco Bell to See That Kind of Thing
Florida Man arrested after explosive devices found in casino toilet
"Florida Man has been arrested after allegedly hiding two radio-controlled explosive devices in the toilets of a casino," but the question is WHY.
He must have had some kind of Ocean's 11 masterplan because Florida Man built his own radio-controlled bombs, smuggled them into two bathrooms at the Hard Rock Casino, and waited patiently for his moment.
To do what, exactly? WHY DID HE PLANT BOMBS IN A CASINO JOHN?
This is killing me, not knowing.
Before Florida Man could unleash his mystery scheme, employees had found the bombs and Florida Man had been arrested on an unrelated case of aggravated assault with a firearm. Evidence from the assault case tied into the toilet bomb case.
But the question remains: WHY?
SCORE: Surveillance Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Casino/Resort/Theme Park, You Hid It WHERE?
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man bitten twice by sharks at Bathtub Beach 11 years apart
The mind of God is incomprehensible to man but it's pretty clear He doesn't want Florida Man going to that particular beach.
Instead of Writing a Headline I Keep Dropping My Jaw
Florida Woman smashed into boyfriend with car after row over cheating accusations
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you take your classy girlfriend to the El Camino in Boca because that's a real classy joint even though it's Mexican and not Cuban so the two of you are enjoying the meal when she says she's gotta go to the little lady's room and now your dinner's getting cold because she's been in there for 17 minutes and you know that for sure because you've got this classy watch on and you keep checking it every ten seconds thinking maybe she's finally done in there so when she finally comes back you're all like "you were you having sex in there with because there's no other reason to be in the bathroom that long" and she's denying everything so you take off with her phone but she follows you out so you rip her underwear off right there in the parking lot to see if there's anything in it and then later you're walking up to her place since she still owes you an apology for behaving so badly in public but she tries twice to hit you with her car and she does on the second try and now you've got broken bones and she's the one in jail but people are treating you like you're the schmuck.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Domestic Bliss, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Glamor Mugshot
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man Jumps Into Canal To Save Dog 'In Distress'
It's a little story, sure, but little stories like these add up:
"Deputies responded to a report of a dog in distress in the canal in the W-Section of Palm Coast. There, they encountered a citizen in a kayak who was trying to rescue the dog," said the sheriff's office in a Facebook post about the October 26 incident.
Despite her best efforts, the resident was unable to get the dog to safety. But thankfully the team arrived and Deputy Alex Wolfe took over, using the kayak to get closer to the stranded dog.
"It got out of its yard and jumped into the canal," a spokesperson for Flagler County Sheriff's Office told Newsweek. "Once he got close enough, Deputy Wolfe dove off the kayak and successfully rescued the dog. The dog was turned over to animal control in good health and it was eventually returned to its owner."
We jump in to save dogs because we know they'd do the same.
SCORE: One Sheer Awesomeness point to the owner who tried her best, three to the rescuing deputy, and one more to the dog who was just trying to be good and stay close to her person — even in a swamp.
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: This Is Domino's Pizza, Please State the Nature of Your Emergency
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 25 points for an even 5 points per story.
Meanwhile, in Colorado...
Shirtless and shoeless Colorado Man sparks concern with mid-blizzard marathon training run
This is so Colorado that I can't even:
In true 'Colorado man' fashion, a runner recently sparked concern among passersby while reportedly training for an upcoming marathon on the high-elevation Loveland Pass during a blizzard – while wearing no shoes and no shirt.
The Summit County Sheriff's Office received a report of the situation in recent days, and upon investigation of the situation, the agency realized that the man had already been contacted by the Dillon Police Department earlier that day. According to the police, the man told them that he was training for his race and that he preferred not wearing shoes. Plain, and simple.
This is so normal that I can't believe a Colorado paper bothered to write it up. I'm sure Alaska Man understands. Probably Montana Man, too.
Nevertheless, in most of the other 49 states, a story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
