Paul Bedard is one of those soberly serious conservative columnists who isn't prone to sensationalism, so when you see him write a piece headlined, "Questions raised about medically juicing Biden for debate," it does make me sit up and take notice.
"Some are speculating that [Presidentish Joe] Biden," he wrote for the Washington Examiner on Tuesday, "may be medically revitalized during his visit to the Maryland presidential resort."
Others aren't merely speculating. We're convinced that the human body doesn't contain enough blood to produce a draw big enough to test for all the drugs he might be pumped full of before the June 27 presidential debate in Atlanta.
A very few youthful indiscretions aside, I'm no expert in drug use. But I've certainly seen enough in my 55 years — several of them spent among the hippies in northern California — to have a few handy rules to help you tell who is on what.
- Inappropriate laughter (See: Kamala Harris) and/or Cheetos? Marijuana.
- Invites select people to the bathroom every eight-to-15 minutes? Cocaine.
- Homeless/No teeth? Meth.
- Can't stop dancing and/or sharing positive vibes? Ecstasy.
- Ate own face? Bath salts.
- Seeing things no one else can/Convinced everything is "bendy?" LSD or shrooms.
- Missing and/or dead? Heroin.
- Died in the '90s? Crack cocaine.
- Freshly dead? Fentanyl.
I joke because it's either that or weep over the state of our Republic.
Rewatch that clip of him at that Juneteenth celebration, smiling and staring without blinking at things that aren't there, and you might think he'd dropped a seriously good tab. Nobody gives POTUS the brown acid, I'm sure.
This clip of Joe Biden at the Juneteenth celebration is arguably worse than the other one going around. The guy is completely lost; watch his face go blank from sensory overload. pic.twitter.com/gBRMIK2TEe
— Expose Them (@ExposeDarkDeeds) June 11, 2024
If only he could escape that weird paralysis thing, you'd expect him to start shouting, "ALLIGATOR LIZARDS IN THE AIR, JACK, JUST LIKE IN THE SONG!"
And if you'd shown me nothing more than a six-minute clip from Biden's State of the Union Address earlier this year, I would have guessed he was more coked up than the upper balcony at Studio 54. But since he stayed that way for more than an hour and never once mentioned the totally bitchin' screenplay he's been working on, if he could only find a producer, I knew it wasn't cocaine.
Having consulted with an actual expert in its use and effects, SOTU Biden was likely on Adderall and medical methamphetamines. As for that Juneteenth brain fail... folks, all I can say is that I believe that's the current state of The Most Powerful Man in the World™ when he's having one of those Bad Days that the Wall Street Journal (unnecessarily) warned us about last week — and the bad days are happening more and more often.
Still, it seems unlikely to me that Biden isn't on any of the most popular illegal drugs, but he'll certainly be on something. My question to you is: what do you think he'll be on? Bonus points for creativity.
For what it's worth, I'll take my usual dose of hard liquor — likely in the form of scotch or martinis — before, during, and after the Atlanta debate. The live drunkblog will begin about 20 minutes or so before the contestants take their corners, right here at PJ Media. I hope you'll join me.
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