"You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit into the wind. You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don't FA with Florida Man's car." — Jim Croce, possibly.
New York Man was visiting his Summerland Key vacation home earlier this month and decided to hit the Winn-Dixie one night "to pick up some coffee and Key lime pie," as he told his arresting officer two days later. Key lime pie is not a controlled substance in Florida — thank goodness — but keying somebody's car for having a "Let's Go Brandon" sticker is.
What New York Man, later identified as Richard Philip Brothers, 63, of Syracuse, didn't know was that he'd been caught on video doing his dirty deed in the Winn-Dixie parking lot. The sheriff's deputy showed up well-prepared, with his Miranda warning card and the surveillance video ready to go.
"Do you remember what you did when you walked out of Winn-Dixie," the cop asked after reading Brothers his rights, "to the green Toyota Tundra?"
"I walked by a truck, yeah."
"What did you do to it?"
"I scratched it… I guess [the Brandon sticker] infuriated me… Yeah, that’s the only reason I did it."
Florida Man is pressing charges of criminal mischief, thank you very much, which is a third-degree felony and punishable by up to five years in prison and a $5,000 fine. If Brothers were to get the book thrown at him, he'd be getting out in plenty of time to see Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis win the presidency near the end of Donald Trump's second term.
But if I were the judge, I'd sentence Brothers to waxing Florida Man's truck every week for five years. "Be careful around the 'Let's Go Brandon' sticker, got it?"
Maybe the best part of the video was watching Mrs. New York Man being caught totally unprepared for her husband's douchebaggery.
Props, I suppose, to New York Man for not freaking out like so many people do in police body cam videos. Try searching for "Gen Z drunk driving arrest" on YouTube sometime and let the hilarity ensue. Instead, Brothers took the L like a man, calmly getting cuffed and assessing himself with, "Stupid, stupid, stupid… I should know better."
“Hey man, it happens,” the deputy said, getting Brothers into the cruiser. That kind of thing doesn't just "happen." Somebody has to decide that their tender feelz are more important than somebody else's private property, whip their key out, and do thousands of dollars in damage. Regardless, I bet it doesn't happen to New York Man again.
If this were a Florida Man Friday report — sorry, but I couldn't wait three more days — this would be the score.
SCORE: Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Caught on Video, Went Viral, Domestic Bliss, Way to Take the L, Democrats Amirite? (new!).
TOTAL: 6 FMF points.
Not bad, New York Man. I hope your time in the slammer will teach you that the Sunshine State is also the FAFO State.
The video is embedded below for your USRDA of schadenfreude.
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