It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the kidnapping without a kidnapper, the "WILL RUN" guy who did run, and Nebraska Woman's short-lived plan for beating the high price of gas.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Several teens, three motorcycles, one excellent example of truth in advertising.
Florida Man, 19, got one of those novelty "WILL RUN" tags for his motorcycle and, because he has less good sense than that guy who licks a lamppost in winter on a dare, left his real plate at home while out breaking various traffic laws with his pals.
Cops love that, BTW.
When they got caught, Florida Man took off, hit speeds of 145 MPH and yet somehow failed to escape several police cars and a helicopter.
Does anyone ever escape the helicopter?
When Florida Man was finally caught, he decided to show off by racing his bike around one of the police cars.
Cops love that, BTW.
Plus: "Deputies recognized from Daytona Bike Week because Jarvis allegedly fled from deputies, but he said he 'didn't remember' that incident."
Teens like this guy are why my 18-year-old, with a perfect driving record, costs $6,000 a year in car insurance. I say lock him up until he's 25 and stops screwing with the 16-24 insurance calculations.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Chase, Caught on Video, The Inevitable Helicopter, Glamor Mugshot, Recidivism.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
That's One Way to Boost Ratings
Florida Man fed endangered deer inside home, watches Fox News with them
I kinda get it. I like animals, and every time we go to the zoo I spend way too much time (and money) buying treats to feed the giraffes.
But Florida Man was bringing wild deer into his house — you can see him enticing one with what looks like a slice of Kraft American Cheese — and chilling in front of Fox News with them.
This seems impossible, but Key Deer are endangered. If they ever run out, they can have some of mine. Speficially, the ones who eat my wife's rose bushes every year. But the point is that when Florida Man started posting video to Facebook of himself and his new BFFs (as he put it), the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission got involved.
Now he's facing 32 misdemeanor charges in addition to whatever the costs are for fumigating his house and cleaning all the carpets and explaining to his MAGA friends why he still watches Fox News.
I'm not sure how many of those counts involve exposing an endangered animal to Fox, but I bet it's a bunch.
SCORE: Wildlife, Getting Caught Stupidly, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Nic Cage Is the Most Based Actor in Hollywood and This Story Proves It
How (Not) to Pick Up Women
Florida Man claims airport bomb threat was attempt to ‘flirt’ with fellow traveler
You know what I hate?
So you know how sometimes when you're waiting to board your plane there's this good looking woman there just waiting for a chance for a vacation hook up with some stranger and they don't come stranger than me if you know what I mean so you need to come up with some funny line that'll catch her off guard for sure and you're thinking about the place you're in which is this airport and you figure what's funnier than a bomb joke in an airport and I am the bomb if you know what I mean so you say to this lady “If the bomb in my bag goes off prematurely I apologize to your family in advance” because it's even funnier when you make a bomb joke that could be mistaken for a premature ejaculation reference but nobody laughed not even the cops after I told them that I might be 70 years old but I'm not dead if you know what I mean.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: The Elderly, Humiliated by Press Release, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Giant ball of Burmese pythons having sex discovered in Florida Everglades in record-breaking catch
Don't judge.
'They Never Lost Hope'
Florida Woman reunited with dog in Tampa after 10 years apart
Ten years ago in Tampa, Florida Woman's four-year-old Cockapoo, Cleo, ran off.
Cleo was chipped, but no one ever found her. Nevertheless, Florida Woman — the totally awesome Luisa — kept Cleo's chip information up-to-date, even after moving to Miami.
So when Cleo showed up last week at the Humane Society of Tampa Bay, everyone there was shocked to find that after ten years, a scan of her chip revealed her owner's current contact info.
“They never lost hope and continued to update her microchip in the small hope that they would be reunited, even after they moved to Miami!," HSTB posted on Facebook.
Luisa and her family drove to Tampa last Saturday to pick up Cleo. She was ecstatic to be back with her people, and I'm not crying — you're crying.
SCORE: A record-tying 5 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Flordia Woman for keeping Cleo's chip information updated that whole time.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
An Almost Victimless Crime
Florida Man accused of posing as drug cartel captive, extorting $80,000 from wife to support his drug habitIs it still a kidnapping without a kidnapper?
No, but it's the weirdest case of fraud I've seen in a while.
Florida Man somehow convinced his wife he worked for a Mexican drug cartel when all he really had was a cocaine habit he couldn't afford. So he faked his own kidnapping and sent her text messages demanding ransom payments to his own CashApp account.
It worked so well, he did it again, using messages like these:
"I'm running from whoever your husband sent after me in our business it's only a matter of time before they catch me…500 now for my family or again things will happen."
"500 now or buenas noches."
"Better send 500 now or he won't make it to the wedding."
What he was actually doing was seeing some other woman and, when he wasn't busy screwing his wife out of $71,000 in "ransom" payments, using her ATM card to take another $9,000 from her.
The whole scam came apart when the "kidnapped" man was spotted on a traffic camera.
Florida Man probably doesn't have anything worth taking in a divorce, but maybe Florida Woman will at least get her dignity back.
SCORE: Crime of the Century, Caught on Video, Domestic Bliss, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: They Drove It Like They Stole It — at Gunpoint
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 22 points for a respectable average of 4.4.
Meanwhile, in Nebraska...
Nebraska Woman Accused Of Using Pump Glitch To Get $27,000 Worth Of Gas
Where did she put it?
There's a lot going on in this story, including the fact that the scam went on for six months. But if we go with an average of $3 a gallon — I bet it's even cheaper in Nebraska — that's 9,000 gallons of gas.
Seriously, where did she put it?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
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