Time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have an important lesson in strip club etiquette, an even more important lesson in understanding your limitations as a driver, and Texas Man doing his best Blues Brothers imitation.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Carjacking suspects who took Corvette at gunpoint near DeLand nabbed on video
I get it. There's a guy with a Corvette, and you and your buddy have guns — Want, Take, Have.
The thing about stealing a Corvette is that you'd better know how to drive it. Judging by the police helicopter video, the 'Vette was being driven the same way it had been stolen: at gunpoint. The poor car looked so nervous, all over the place, barely able to keep its rear wheels going in the right direction.
When the thieves finally gave up after their second or third time driving off the road, one fled while the other wisely decided to sit tight and take the L. Police found the runner in no time and, of course, a Glock or two.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Police Chase, Fleeing, The Inevitable Helicopter, Caught on Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Recidivism.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Exit Question: Should I add "Outstanding Warrant(s)" to the scoring categories?
Make the Punishment Fit the Crime
Florida Woman Beats Man With Wad Of Cash After He Refused To Tip Dancers At Strip Club
Dancers at the Body Talk topless club in Port St. Lucie were upset because Florida Man was doing all of the ogling but none of the tipping. “The employees were upset that [Florida Man] had not thrown money at them, which was common practice at the establishment,” according to the affidavit.
You're supposed to throw money at the dancers at that joint? I can't be the only one getting the same vibe as the Country & Western bar from "The Blues Brothers."
That's when Florida Woman sprang into action, whacking Florida Man with a small stack of cash. She wasn't one of the dancers at the club, but she did work there. You have to admire that she looks so well after the girls, if maybe not how she does it.
She now faces a charge of misdemeanor battery.
But there's no disputing what Mary Claire Crabtree concluded at the link: "I’m honestly surprised he pressed charges… I’d be more embarrassed that I got my *** kicked at a strip club and knowing that my name would be in a headline just like this one."
Indeed.
Apropos of not much, there was a Florida Man story from a few weeks ago that barely missed the cut about the guy who had robbed one Dollar General after another over a period of years. That made me wonder what one does after emptying the cash register at a Dollar General but the answer is obvious: you go to a strip club.
Maybe this was the same guy but he forgot to hit up a Dollar General first.
SCORE: Strip Club and/or a Hooters, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Glamor Mugshot (Her), Should Have Taken the L (Him).
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Underappreciated Albums: 'From The Cradle'
'He's Just Crazy Enough to Do It!'
Florida Man arrested after making bomb threat against himself
Florida Man, age 22 and in need of a hobby, reported to the police that he'd received the following emails:
- “There’s a bomb on your grandpa’s property.”
- “I’m going to break in your house and shoot u in the [expletive] head.”
- “I’m going to kill you. Watch me.”
Each email was signed, "Florida Man's Enemy."
OK, so I made up that last part — but the emails were real...ish. Florida Man sent them to himself to get revenge on someone.
Still, give Florida Man some credit. When he called the police back to find out why they hadn't arrested the mysterious emailer, a detective told him that filing a false police report is a crime — and then Florida Man admitted he'd sent them himself.
SCORE: Way to Take the L, Likely Story, Crime of the Century, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida man charged in 2017 torch cases speaks: He's stopped drinking goat blood
Good for you, sir!
'Never go in against Florida Man when death is on the line'
‘I thought it was sugar’: Florida woman caught tainting live-in boyfriend’s tea with bleach tablet
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you have to poison your boyfriend cause after three years of living with his BS and leaving the toilet seat up you just had enough so you make him some nice tortillas and some tea and then when he steps outside for a work call you're all sly and get one of those bleach tablets from under the sink and you pour it in his tea and when he comes back inside he tells you how good and spicy the tortillas are and asks if you want a sip of his tea because of that spicy food and you play it cool like "no I drank tea yesterday I'm good" so he won't suspect nothing and he starts to take a big sip of tea and you're watching him real close but acting like everything's cool but then his throat's all burning and he knows something up so he dumps the tea in the sink and there's still part of that tablet in the bottom of his cup so he's like "there’s bleach in this drink did you put bleach in my drink" and then the cops come and take you to jail even though you told them you swore it was just sugar.
SCORE: Likely Story, Domestic Bliss, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Instant Karma's Gonna Get Ya
Alligator knocks out the trapper after being taunted pic.twitter.com/zM8CMOLSF9
— Insane Reality Leaks (@InsaneRealitys) February 19, 2024
Alligator knocks out the trapper after being taunted
It was Shakespeare or maybe Jesus who said, "Be-ist thou not a dillhole."
This guy needs to read up on his Bible or Hamlet or whatever.
SCORE: Dangerous Wildlife, Caught on Video, Went Viral, Instant Karma, plus a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness to the cop in the background who kept his cool but couldn't help breaking out in a huge smile.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: His 'Fast & Furious' Reenactment Failed Fast & Furiously
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 22 points for a respectable average of 4.4 — and he got there without the help of a single skull-burrowing insect, for which we should all be grateful.
Meanwhile, in Texas...
Texas man drives into a store after being mad that the beer coolers were locked
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern today. Ed Morrissey is this week's special guest.
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