It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the world's punniest madame, how not to pull over for a rest stop, and Gaza's very own Master Thespian.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Armed Florida man crashes into semi after fleeing troopers at over 130 mph on I-4
Another day, another fool who thinks he can outrace the entire state highway patrol with all of their cars, stop sticks, and helicopters.
But this one ended weirder than most.
Florida Man (a 22-year-old man-child, in this case) was doing 100 in a 60 on I-4 in Seminole County when — surprise! — he got busted because old Smokey's got his ears on.
(Sorry, but it's almost time for my annual warm-weather viewing of "Smokey and the Bandit" and I'm getting a little anxious. It's maybe the most perfectly American movie of all time. But I digress.)
When the state trooper tried to pull Florida Man-Child over, he floored it, went over the median to another road, ran a red light, pulled a U, hit a top speed of 130, was turning his lights on and off (stealth mode?), and then...
...I love this part...
...Florida Man-Child pulled over into a rest stop — when you gotta go, you gotta go? — lost control and smacked right into a parked semi. Then, just to give you an idea of what a relentless jerk this dangerous man-child is, he fled on foot, leaving behind injured passengers. Fortunately, no one was badly hurt.
Police quickly caught him, his gun, and his drugs — and of course he verbally resisted.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Chase, Fleeing, Resisting, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Drugs/Alcohol, Should Have Taken the L, Instant Karma (new!).
TOTAL: A record-busting 8 FMF Points.
A Rose by Any Other Name...
Florida Woman used spas as fronts for prostitution, officials say
If anyone would know about hidden prostitution, it's officials.
With that cheap (but well-earned) shot out of the way, I suppose there's really nothing particularly unusual or funny about a madame using spas as a front for prostitution. A certain amount of such activities is often tolerated by police — I'm guessing because, for some of those ladies, the likely alternatives are probably worse. When a police cruiser passes by the run-down strip mall with a sign on it for the Wink-Wink Nudge-Nudge Massage Parlor, they know exactly what's going on in there.
But there's something slightly different about this case from Broward County, if only because one of Florida Woman's little strip mall bordellos was named The G-Spa.
Brava, Florida Woman. Brava.
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Chutzpah because I have to.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exit Question: If you or someone you knew were considering opening a libertarian-themed massage parlor, would "The Invisible Hand" be a good name?
Exclusively for our VIPs: Submitted for Your Approval, a Life Without Google...
All's Well That Ends... Whoops
Florida man accused of attempting to steal plane, crashes into light pole
We were on our way to Mexico a couple of years ago when one of my sons asked me why they have autopilot for planes but not for cars. So I told him that even though airplanes were much more complicated than cars, airspace has so much more space than roads do, and far fewer vehicles moving through it. Also, there's much less chance of random stuff happening. Kids, dogs, and deer rarely dash across the LAX-DEN flight path, for example. So long as nothing goes wrong mechanically, things usually only get dicey on or near the ground.
Introducing Exhibit A of just that: Florida Man.
So Florida Man decided to sneak into Page Field Airport one night where he was caught on video "entering and exiting a plane, turning on the lights of another, and moving one of the planes into the grass." That's as far as he got because he drove the left wing into a light pole. You'd think those things would be better lit.
He will not be appearing in the next installment of Fast & Furious.
It gets weirder. ID'd from the surveillance video, he was arrested and "booked into the county jail for armed burglary of an unoccupied conveyance, grand theft of over $100k, and possession of a bulletproof vest while committing certain offenses."
A bulletproof vest? Guns and ammo? Where did he think he was taking that plane? And why did he leave guns and ammo at the scene?
So many questions, so few answers, so very Florida Man.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Tactical Gear, Caught on Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida man who shot down sheriff’s drone gets 4 years in prison
I thought this was America.
Mind I Play Through?
Golfers dive in to rescue Florida Woman after she flips car into golf course pond
You know what I hate?
So sometimes you're maybe having a few in the middle of the day but it's real sunny out and so find this nice looking golf course and it's like wide open and perfect for racing around on and you'd be pretty amazed if you knew how fast you can make a Toyota Corolla go when you really want it to but then just when you're getting up to speed there's like this little lake right in the middle of the golf course for some reason and the next thing you know your car is rolling over into that stupid little lake that they should put up warning signs for and there's water coming in and you're upside down but you're like it's cool I've got this and you get your seatbelt off and you climb out and you take off running and when you look back there's these stupid golfers in the water trying to rescue you as if you're too dumb to leave a sinking car but you're smart enough to know they'll never figure out who you are because nobody can read an upside down license plate but the police figure it out anyway and so then you're sitting in jail on a DUI and all these other charges and there's not even a bar in here.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Water Hazard, Golf, Drugs/Alcohol, Houdini, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Who Wants to Go for a Ride?
Dogs jump in stranger’s car — and won’t budge, Florida cops say. ‘Holding my car hostage’
I feel for this story on so many levels.
Florida Woman was racing her kid into daycare and left her car door open. When she got back, there were three very happy German Shepherds in there because WHO WANTS TO GO FOR A RIDE? is pretty much burned into their little dog brains after the first time they hear it.
ASIDE: We have a big fence and a gate with a solid latch on it, and yet still somehow our dogs sometimes escape. It happens.
The dogs were so happy to GO FOR A RIDE that Florida Woman couldn't get them out of her car and called the police.
Then the police had trouble getting the dogs out because WHO WANTS TO GO FOR A RIDE? is one of the most powerful forces in the universe.
Two of them finally exited with some collar pulls, but the third held out for fish sticks, I kid thee not. That gives you an idea of just how delightfully spoiled their home life must be.
The story does have a happy ending. The dogs did finally get to GO FOR A RIDE — in the backseat of the police cruiser to Pinellas Animal Urgent Care where they stayed until their worried owner was contacted and came to pick them up.
And then they got to GO FOR A RIDE again, which basically made this their best day ever.
Still, I'm not going to share this story with my lovely bride because she'll be sad — again, I kid thee not — that two of the dogs didn't get fish sticks.
And now you have an idea of just how delightfully spoiled our three Colorado dogs are.
SCORE: Resisting Arrest plus one bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness to each dog.
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: This Dashcam Video Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity (Really!)
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 27 points for an impressive average of 5.4.
Thank you to Florida Persons and Dogs for making this week so much fun.
Meanwhile, in Gaza...
PALLYWOOD
— CJC (@cj_chep) March 1, 2024
Al Jazeera airs footage of dozens of Palestinians which the network claimed were killed in Northern Gaza today.
One of the so called ‘victims’ is seen opening his eyes before realizing he is on camera and quickly closing them again. pic.twitter.com/ZvTNfXel85
Acting!
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
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