Special Counsel Finds Biden Is Too Damn Old to Be Charged in Classified Docs Scandal

"Your Honor, my client was clearly too drunk to have made it anywhere near I-25 from that maze of one-way streets in downtown Denver, and cannot be held accountable for how he or his car might have been found trying to enter the highway from the off-ramp." —The World's Best Defense Attorney back in my younger days

Some legal defense moves are so unscrupulous that it would take a high-caliber lawyer to think of them and a true scoundrel to implement them. I'm looking at you, Johnnie Cochran, in your $4,000 suits, with a combination of awe and horror.

But that's just trial law. Where things get really very quite seriously unsettling is the even twistier world of special counsels, where Washington insiders agree to investigate Washington insiders using Washington insiders who pinky swear that everything will be on the up-and-up and that the truth will be brought to light and justice will be served — no matter which Washington insiders might be punished or suffer public shaming as a result.

Then the Washington insiders all pour one another stiff portions of 21-year-old single-malt scotch and have a good laugh at our (literal) expense.

The latest example of just that comes from the Department of Justice™ headed up by Biden administration crony Merrick Garland.

ASIDE: I swear this actually just happened. When I started to type "Department of Justice," a moment ago, I quickly corrected myself after typing "Derpartment." I wish I'd let it stand with a [sic] at the end.

As you're probably aware, the Biden administration was doing one of those pinky-swear investigations of itself because of that time Biden accidentally left boxes and boxes of classified docs in his garage with his Corvette. At first, Biden was prompted to tell people that his garage is a secure location because, unlike the Trump compound on many well-guarded acres at Mar-a-Lago, Biden's garage door has one of those twisty lock handles on it.

That garage is practically a SCIF, they claimed.

That excuse held about as much water as my wife when she was 40 months pregnant and had to pee from just looking at a faucet, so Garland appointed pinky-swear special counsel Robert K. Hur to look into whether he should find some special excuse for Biden's mishandling of classified documents immediately or if it would be better to draw it out longer so they'd have a chance to truly savor that bottle of Glenfarclas.

That was in August. Today, we have the Mother of All Justifications — and it has me laughing harder than it has Biden's reelection campaign team breaking out in hives. Here it is from Hur's findings:

We have also considered that, at trial, Mr. Biden would likely present himself to a jury, as he did during our interview of him, as a sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory. Based on our direct interactions with and observations of him, he is someone for whom many jurors will want to identify reasonable doubt. It would be difficult to convince a jury that they should convict him—by then a former president well into his eighties—of a serious felony that requires a mental state of willfulness.

Never mind the weasel language about how Biden would present himself to a jury because an "elderly man with a poor memory" is how he presents himself to members of the press, gathered audiences, and various deceased foreign dignitaries from countries he gets mixed up sometimes.

Remember those reports from a month or three ago that Biden was getting all upset about the public perception that he's too old and feeble for the job? Yeah, his own DOJ just used that as the reason Biden can't be held accountable for storing classified documents next to the case of 40 Weight Motor Oil and expired boxes of Fix-O-Dent.

But don't you worry. I don't think anyone in Beijing or Russia or Tehran pays much attention to what goes on in the Biden White House. So you can rest assured, Jack, that when the fella from that place, you know the one, tries to threaten Corn Hole with the asufutimaehaehfutbw that old Joe Biden is gonna make sure they feel the trunalimunumaprzure like the what was I saying?

And you can take that to the bank and smoke it.