Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a riding mower that doubles as a brewpub, a flawless T.J. Hooker impersonation, and a tale from Atlanta too wild to believe.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man, 77, meant to sell ill-gotten erectile drugs in sprawling Florida retirement community
The first rule of marketing is to know your market. If you have answers to just four questions — Who are they? Where are they? What do they need? How much are they willing to pay? — you are well on your way to success.
Florida Man found his market, the 80,000 residents of The Villages retirement community in central Florida.
That’s the Who and the Where.
What do they need? Well, The Villages gained notoriety a while back for rumors, seemingly well-founded, of “swingers, public sex, and high rates of sexually transmitted diseases.”
I think with that, Florida Man had the Need covered. But how much are people in his market willing to pay?
That’s where things get tricky because Viagra is prescription-only. But what if Florida Man were somehow able to undercut the local CVS?
Easy-peasey. Just forge a prescription, buy discount internet Viagra from out of state, and resell them at a reasonable markup to residents of The Villages. And it would have worked, too, except for somehow getting caught and tried on federal charges.
The best part? Apparently, trying to sell $1,800 worth of unlicensed Viagra is cool with Florida authorities because, of course, it is.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: The Elderly, Retirement Community, Drugs/Alcohol, Crime of the Century.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
I know it’s only four points to start… but what a way to earn them.
Leadfoot Grannies
Florida hit-and-run victim clings to car’s hood for 2 miles after woman tries to flee crash
It wasn’t easy for my grandmother when she had to have The Talk with my great-grandmother about giving up her car keys. But it was clearly time for Nana to stop driving because she kept driving into things, driving along things, or backing up into things. Slowly, thank goodness.
Unless you got stuck behind her.
I’ve already told my sons they have my permission long in advance to be very insistent when it comes time to give me The Talk — that I’ll be grumpy, but I’ll get over it. Mostly because I’d be too ashamed to ever let myself do what 76-year-old Florida Woman did in Palm Coast this week.
Florida Woman accidentally hit somebody else’s car with her car. No one was hurt, but Florida Woman apparently tried to drive off. That’s a big no-no. The victim tried to block her in with his car, called the police, and then got out of his car to let her know.
That’s when Florida Woman hit the gas, hit the victim, and sped off at up to 50 miles per hour… with the guy still on the hood of her car.
Police finally forced her off the road, with one saying, “My entire goal at this point was just to make sure that people were staying far enough behind because if he fell off the vehicle, she would ultimately run him over.”
Florida Woman told police she didn’t have a good place to stop the car, but the videotape says otherwise.
Please, my sons, never let me drive that long. But be nice about it, or you might end up on the hood of my car.
SCORE: The Elderly, Vehicular Mayhem, Impersonation (Of T.J. Hooker), Caught on Video, Likely Story, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Aside: I saw Leadfoot Grannies open for The Georgia Satellites in ’89.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Here’s How Hollywood Can Lose Millions on a Hit Movie
My Boyfriend’s Grandma Made Me Do It
Dollar General employee helps boyfriend’s grandma steal $1,600 from store, deputies say: ‘Hard time saying no’
You know what I hate?
I hate it when my stupid boyfriend’s grandma is always on my case about how I work at this Dollar General where they have all this good stuff and almost no security because it isn’t like we’re in New York or one of those places and she knows I find it hard to say no to people so I finally give in and I’m like, “Fine I’ll help you rip off the Dollar General” but then I tell her we’ve got to be smart about this and do things my way so I start doing things like buying stuff myself but then returning them for cash at my own register but then keeping the cash and then there’s this other scam where I ring her up a bunch of stuff she wants but I scan cheaper prices instead of the real ones and before you know it we’ve got like $1,600 worth of stuff and cash but did you know that even Dollar General has video cameras in the ceiling because now I sure know it.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Crime of the Century, Caught on Video, the Elderly.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Headline: Jimmy Buffett Highway? There’s a bill to name a Florida iconic road after iconic singer.
Get this done, Florida.
Looking for Trouble?
Armed Florida Man in tactical vest driving wrong way threatens driver before leading deputies on chase
So it was what I imagine must be a typical Tuesday night for Florida Man in Sugarmill Woods. He strapped on a tactical vest, packed a little heat, and hopped into the Nissan family sedan (AKA “The Beast”) for a night of fun and frolic.
One thing led to another and, wouldn’t you know it, but Florida Man somehow ended up speeding the wrong way down a local boulevard. When confronted by another driver for going the wrong way, he did what anyone safe behind ballistic armor and without any kind of understanding of consequences might do — Florida Man pulled his gun, threatened the other driver, and then took off again.
Police tried to pull him over, but Florida Man plowed on, slowly, running red lights along the way. The story doesn’t say how he could see what colors the lights were when he’s going the wrong way, so maybe running the reds was a simple misunderstanding.
Police finally deployed tire deflation devices, bringing an end to Florida Man’s pleasant Tuesday evening drive.
The story notes that, among many other charges, Florida Man was dinged for smuggling contraband into prison. It doesn’t say what or how, and for that, I think we can all be grateful.
SCORE: Weapon, Police Chase, Tactical Gear (new!), Vehicular Madness, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
The Riding Mower of Doom
DUI suspect on lawn mower nabbed while making beer run
Ever been so drunk you had to hop on the riding mower to get to the store for more beer?
Me, either — and I’m the freakin’ VodkaPundit.
Anyway, Florida Man was grilling at home in Fruitland Park, needed more beer, and did what nobody here would do — right? — he hopped on his mower to the liquor store. He was pulled over and (I love this part) refused to do the field sobriety test after initially agreeing because even he knew he was too drunk to drive at 5 MPH.
Killer detail: “The officer noticed a tall can of beer in a cup holder on the mower. There were three more cans of beer contained within the mower.”
How long had he been driving that thing, anyway?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Way to Take the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: It’s Your Birthday and You’ll Do WHAT If You Want To?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 21 points for a respectable average of 4.2.
Meanwhile, in Georiga…
Handcuffed man in car crash leads Atlanta police to arrest police impersonator
If you think the headline is wild, the story also involves a hit-and-run, a DUI, and a strip club.
Are we 100% sure this didn’t happen in Jacksonville?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday!
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