Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news and this week we have a daring police cruiser escape, a CIA bike ninja, and the Oklahoma judge who really should have known better.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man wanted on 3 felonies arrested for going 40mph in school zone
I’m no criminal mastermind but I always figured that if I had any number of felony warrants — one would be enough — I’d probably do whatever I could to lie low. Or, in a pinch, I could try blasting through a school zone at almost double the limit with a cop car right there.
It’s a tough choice.
Florida Man opted for the latter but, wouldn’t you know it, got pulled over. That’s when his criminal mastermind instincts kicked in, nearly allowing him to escape arrest on his outstanding warrants.
He told police that he left his ID at home and gave them a fake name. If that weren’t enough, he also said, “Man, I’m going to be honest, I gotta go.”
“Oh, well then, sorry to have detained you, sir. Please be on your way,” is exactly what the police didn’t say.
Whatever it was the cops actually did say, Florida Man decided to take off on foot which, judging by the police photos, wasn’t going to get him anywhere very quickly. The police shortly caught up and tased him after he refused to stop. Next time maybe Florida Man could try the laying low thing, but that doesn’t seem like his style.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Tasered, Glamor Mugshot, Chutzpah, Recidivism.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points for a simple traffic stop? Well done!
Freedom of the Seas
Florida Man Caught on Camera Pooping While Trying To Rob a Boat
I don’t even know what to do with this one.
Florida Man, age 75, can be seen on surveillance video breaking into an occupied boat — presumably to rob it, as you’ll see in a moment — but nature called. So he left a little something on the poop deck, instead. The other way around, actually.
Having failed in his robbery attempt, Florida Man decided to grab a seat on a nearby bench. And when I say, “nearby,” I mean, “the owner of the boat was able to point him out to the police, right there from his boat.”
Maybe Florida Man needed a rest after his exertions.
Whatever the reason, after his arrest, Florida Man was found to have items on him from a parked car in the same area that had been robbed. If there’s a lesson in all this, it probably involves more fiber.
Exit Question: Now that you’ve seen Abe Vigoda in a “Love Boat” opener, you kind of want to re-watch that one, don’t you?
SCORE: The Elderly, Water Hazard, Public Nudity, Caught on Video, Crime Spree.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: SHOCK VIDEOS: Trans Student Assaults Three Girls at Oregon Middle School
Only the Paranoid Survive
Florida Man accused cyclist of being with CIA, tried headbutting police, told officers take him to jail
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I’m doing donuts in my car in an empty parking lot late at night after having a few drinks and maybe some other stuff when I see this guy on a bicycle who I know has got to be CIA even though he doesn’t look CIA just like a guy on a bike but that’s how the CIA fools people who aren’t up on these things like I am so I drive by and yell some stuff at him while he’s just sitting there on his bike under this bridge trying to look all not-CIA but he won’t leave so I drive by a couple more times and he still won’t leave so I ram his bike with my car but he jumps off and out of the way like CIA bike ninjas do and then the police show up and make me do a field sobriety test which I fail because that CIA guy still standing there made me all nervous so at that point I just say Eff You to the cops and “take me to jail” which they did even after I tried to fight them off and told them I was going to hurt them and now the CIA knows exactly where I am.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Likely Story, Vehicular Madness, Resisting, Famous Last Words.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Headline: Woman NAKED from waist down stuns fellow passengers as she waits in line for Spirit Airlines flight in Florida
What? Pants are hard for some people.
You Can’t Touch This
Naked Florida Man Touching Himself Yells ‘It’s My Birthday’ When Caught
So Florida Man left Hialeah to enjoy some Me Time at the Playa Resort & Spa in Key Largo last week. He must have had quite the Tuesday night because, by early Wednesday morning, he was fully exposing himself to a female resort employee. Then he started touching “it,” according to the report.
That’s when a male employee confronted Florida Man — keeping at least arm’s length away, one hopes — and Florida Man played his trump card.
“It’s my birthday today!” he said.
“Oh, well then, sorry to have interrupted you, sir. Please carry on,” is exactly what the male employee didn’t say. That’s when Florida Man decided that cowardice was the better part of valor, took off running, and made his escape back home to Hialeah.
He was ID’d and later arrested anyway.
Police say it was indeed his birthday.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Fleeing the Scene, Chutzpah, Resort/Theme Park.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Escape from New York Gulf Breeze
Florida Man on the loose after breaking out of handcuffs, escaping police car
It’s been quite a week for traffic stops gone wrong.
Florida Man got pulled over again for something or other and, sure enough, he still had outstanding warrants. He didn’t resist when police put the cuffs on him or placed him in the back of the cruiser. What he did do was slip one hand out of the cuffs and get the locked door open — you know, the one you’re only supposed to be able to open from the outside.
How did Houdini manage to do that? He used a Jedi mind trick that’s going to be shown on the blooper reel at the Gulf Breeze PD Christmas party for the next jillion years:
“He told the officers he was having a hard time,” said GBPD Captain Kerstain Tatro. “It was hot in the back of the car so the officers lowered the window down slightly. At some point after he slipped that cuff, he was keeping an eye on officers. He reached out the window with one hand. He was able to reach the handle and pop the door.”
Somebody in the GBPD is never going to live that one down.
Florida Man remains on the loose, and the news report says he “may still have one handcuff attached.”
SCORE: Houdini (new!), Fleeing the Scene, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Kissin’ Cousins, Torchin’ Cars
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 23 points for an impressive average of 4.6.
Meanwhile, in Oklahoma…
Oklahoma judge opened fire while driving and intentionally crashed his car, police say
You’d think he’d know there are laws against those sorts of things.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
