In Florida Man Friday this week, we have the old guy who joked his way through a gator attack, the stolen firetruck that ran out of gas, and Colorado Man absolutely failing to make it stay in Vegas.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida woman allegedly stole fire truck, impersonated firefighter
You must be aware by now that my favorite stories involve stolen police cars, particularly when they get stolen during an attempted arrest. If cops have blooper reels at their Christmas parties, they must be loaded with body cam footage from those things.
But how about a stolen firetruck, just three weeks after our last stolen police car story?
Can I get an amen?
For reasons unknown, Florida Woman spent the night at the Wellborn Volunteer Fire Department. For reasons unknowable, the next day she stole a firetruck and went joyriding until it ran out of gas in Live Oak, about ten miles away.
It gets better.
Nobody at the Wellborn Volunteer Fire Department seems to have noticed that their giant red firetruck was missing until Florida Woman had already run it out of gas, because that’s when she called the chief to let him know A) Where she was, and B) That she was going to need a gallon of gas.
That’s when a local police officer came by to ask, hey, what’s with the stranded firetruck?
Here’s maybe the best part: Florida Woman — please see that mugshot — tried to pass herself off as a volunteer fireman.
If somebody looking that strung out ever responds to my 911 call about a fire, I’m going to tell them, “Thanks, but I’ll put this one out myself.”
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Stolen Police Car Firetruck, Impersonation, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Just Wait Until Your Father Gets… to the Office?
Florida sheriff’s son was allegedly racing with another car before bolting from traffic stop
As the father of two teenage boys, and as a recovering teenage boy, myself, I’m well aware of the stupid things teenage boys do. Also, boys in their 20s. And 30s. And — who am I trying to kid here? — even in my 50s. But I always tried to be on my best behavior during those summers I worked for my grandfather because he was ALWAYS. RIGHT. THERE. Even so, he did almost fire me that one time, and probably should have.
So when your dad is the county sheriff, maybe you want to do your drag racing another county (or two) over:
The Seminole County Sheriff’s Office released dashcam video Wednesday night after Sheriff Dennis Lemma’s 19-year-old son was arrested for allegedly speeding and driving away from a deputy.
[Florida Teen] was arrested and charged with fleeing or attempting to elude a law enforcement officer and reckless driving. He turned himself into the John E. Polk Correctional Facility, according to a press release.
That must’ve been awkward. But good on the kid for finally turning himself in.
SCORE: Should Have Taken the L, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the Water
Paddleboarder in ‘shock’ after video catches shark following her
Florida Woman, a totally awesome human being, was raising money, paddle boarding in the 10th annual Crossing for Cystic Fibrosis event, when her husband noticed a hammerhead shark trailing close behind:
After initially dismissing “taps” under her board, [Malea] Tribble said she came to the realization she was being followed when her husband Rick started directing her back to the boat.
“I knew by the tone of his voice to pay actually attention and listen, to do everything that he’s telling me to do in that moment,” Tribble told “The Faulkner Focus” Friday.
“I do think it would have been a lot different had I known a lot more factors, but they kind of kept those things away from me – not telling me where it was, not telling me how big it was – trying to keep me calm during that whole scenario.”
Everybody is fine and the shark presumably went hungry that afternoon.
SCORE: Wild animals, Water Hazard, Caught on Video, plus one bonus point each to Mr. and Mrs. Tribble for keeping it cool in a potentially hot situation.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
BONUS FLORIDA HEADLINE: Florida Man to give vasectomies to peacocks.
He’ll also be giving them Viagra, a Barry White mix tape, and access to his hot tub.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: A Los Angeles Police Union Official Says the Quiet Part Out Loud
The Flying Burrito Brothers Present…
Florida Woman Hit Wrong Man With Burrito
This is basically how the finale to every Three Stooges segment gets started:
A burrito thrown by a woman at a Florida restaurant missed its intended target, instead hitting a male victim in the face, according to police who arrested the alleged food tosser.
Investigators were called Wednesday evening to Rick’s Reef, a St. Pete Beach eatery, due to a “female subject yelling at customers.”
And, you know, throwing burritos just to drive her point home. Whatever it was.
My first thought was “drugged-out transient,” but no. Florida Woman’s LinkedIn profile lists her as a “financial advisor” with a financial services company in the Tampa Bay area.
Nevertheless, just last month, Florida Woman was arrested for “allegedly punching her 66-year-old boyfriend in the face during an argument in their residence.”
Would you take financial advice from this person?
The Human Society seal on this story indicates that no animals, no humans, and only one burrito was harmed.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Recidivism, Crime of the Century.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
True Tales of Courage
Florida Man, 79, survives alligator bite: ‘There’s a lot of skin ripped off’
An elderly Florida Man was taking a walk around his Naples golf-course community when he was attacked by a seven-foot gator. It isn’t clear how Florida Man got away, but he called 911 immediately to say, “I’m bleeding. I don’t know how bad it is. There’s a lot of skin ripped off I can see — probably some muscle.”
Talk about keeping your cool under pressure, right? Actually, Florida Man is even cooler than you think.
“Go figure,” he told the 911 operator while bleeding and looking at his own muscle where skin was supposed to be, “Out for a walk to stay healthy.”
Stay frosty, Florida Man.
SCORE: Wild Animal, The Elderly, The Inevitable Helicopter, plus a bonus point for Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Hid WHAT, WHERE?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 20 points for a solid average of exactly 4 FMF points.
Finally, I’d like to give a big shout-out to Florida Woman, who came through this week with a trio of great stories.
Meanwhile, in Vegas…
Caesars Palace hostage suspect caused $50K in damage at Vegas hotel room
Colorado Man, whom I’m proud to say has been on a run to rival Florida Man, went to Vegas and hilarity ensued.
That is, if your idea of hilarity includes some transient fugitive going to Vegas, getting extremely high with his ladyfriend (who believed his line about being “an MTV actor”) on a “days-long” bender, throwing a TV out the window, trashing a hotel room to the tune of $50 large, then getting in an altercation with police that brought charges of kidnapping, coercion with force or threat of force with a deadly weapon, destroying or injuring real or personal property, resisting a public officer with a deadly weapon and disregarding the safety of people and property.
That’s certainly my idea of hilarity, but I’m willing to admit that it’s probably funnier if you weren’t there.
Finally, there’s this gem from Patrick Reilly’s New York Post writeup: “It’s not clear what drugs they had been using.”
All the drugs, Patrick. They took all the drugs, every single one.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
