Florida Man Friday: He Hid WHAT, WHERE?

Florida Man fresh out prison revived after drug overdose, arrested for taking off GPS tracking device tossing it in 7-Eleven trash can

That’s our Florida Man’s mugshot at the top of this week’s FMF, but I couldn’t resist using the animated GIF on Pennywise just so everybody could enjoy the nightmarish compare-and-contrast.

You’re welcome. Although there isn’t much contrast, is there?

Anyway, Florida Man kept Hernando County Sheriff’s deputies busy last week. He’d just been let out of jail and put on probation, presumably for the child predator conviction mentioned in the link. He ditched his ankle tracker in a 7-Eleven trashcan, which caught the immediate notice of his probation officer because not even Florida Man spends that much time outside a 7-Eleven in Brooksville.

Police showed up and while they were recovering the ankle bracelet, they got a call about a man nearby passed out following a drug overdose.

Look, pal, if you’re going to run from the police, you’ve got to run from the police.

Florida Man is being held without bond because this ain’t California or New York, Jack.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.

SCORE: Face/Neck Tattoos, Drugs/Alcohol, Glamor Mugshot, Recidivism, Convenience Store, Getting Caught Stupidly.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.

Solid start!

‘I just want to vape one last time:’ Florida man explained after being recaptured by police

You know what I hate?

I hate it when I’m smoking crack cocaine so I can hear the invisible people behind the washing machine, and it turns out that whatever they’re up to, my girlfriend is in on it, so I hold my favorite knife — the one with the brass knuckle handle — against her throat to wake her up, and then she gets all upset and starts yelling at me then manages to call 911 using her smartwatch, and I run when the police show up so I can just have one last vape before they do something about the washing machine people, but for some reason, they arrest me instead of the washing machine people even though my security camera got the whole thing on video.

Don’t you hate that, too?

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Domestic Bliss, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Fleeing the Scene, Likely Story, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.

BONUS FLORIDA HEADLINE: Florida Man arrested after deputies recovered 88 grams of cocaine, false ID.

#ProTip: Next time, get a fake ID that says “Hunter Biden,” and the police will escort you safely home.

Now That’s a Snake

Longest-ever captured Burmese python in Florida sets new record

Just watch the video.

SCORE: Three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness divided evenly between the python and the Glades Boys.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.

Recommended: Why Costco Unleashing the ‘Death Star’ on Bud Light Is Even Worse Than You Think

That Took Real Balls

Florida Man Hides Bullet In Testicles When Being Taken To Jail

So Florida Man was being taken to jail after using stolen credit card information to book “a luxurious 17-night vacation rental in Indian Rocks Beach, near the Gulf of Mexico,” according to 97X.

Police found him at home along with “a plethora of forged identification documents,” none of which said “Hunter Biden” on them so far as I know.

Going through the usual drill of checking Florida Man into jail, police found a .22 caliber bullet nestled in a very tender and personal location — and not the usual one involving the “bend over and spread ’em” command.

I’d be more impressed if it had been a .30-06 or if Florida Man had any clue what he was trying to accomplish. Or maybe he just keeps it there, all the time, just because?

Exit Question: What was Florida Man going to use to fire the testicle bullet?

Never mind, I don’t want to know — and neither do you.

SCORE: Impersonation, Crime of the Century, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.

Florida Woman Arrested After Baby Monkey Stolen From Florida Pet Store

It seems like no matter how many times I use this internationally recognized platform to remind people not to steal baby monkeys, people continue to steal baby monkeys.

And so it goes with Florida Woman, who slipped out the front door of Robert’s Pet Shop with a five-week-old marmoset worth $7,000.

$7,000, really? Really.

There was just one problem. Florida Woman had been a regular customer at Robert’s for 15 years. The manager said, “I would have never thought it would have been her.” But he sure had no trouble recognizing his regular patron on the surveillance video.

Lest you think that stealing the baby monkey was a rash act of sudden passion — seriously, this is why I can’t be trusted in pet shops — Florida Woman was busted for stealing from two other local stores.

Don’t. Steal. Monkeys.

I shouldn’t have to keep saying this.

SCORE: Crime Spree, Wildlife, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Fly the Psychotic Skies

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five stories worth 21 points for a very respectable average of 4.2 FMF points.

Well done, everybody — now put the monkey down and walk away slowly.

Meanwhile, New York Man Went to Las Vegas…

Las Vegas Streaker Arrested After Dancing on Poker Table
If anyone’s gonna revive Will Ferrell’s butt-naked party refrain, it would have to be a guy in Sin City — but his good time was cut short by the authorities who busted his bare ass. Check out this wild video — obtaine… pic.twitter.com/BAMG1oncJf

— Dr.LyndaBarnes (@MrsBarnesII) July 11, 2023

The Vegas Naked Streaker Who Fought A One-Legged Man Before Dancing On Top Of Poker Table Has Been Identified

I mean, of course, this happened in Vegas. And yet it did not stay in Vegas.

Really, when you count up the lost college funds, venereal diseases, instantly regretted quickie weddings, and all the rest — does anything that happens in Vegas really stay in Vegas?

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…

Florida Man Friday!