On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have the world’s worst gun-toting dads, the worst time for a selfie, the world’s worst sequel, and Colorado Man’s worst-ever road trip.
It’s a big week.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
It’s just bad manners to race through a hurricane relief checkpoint, something almost any Floridian could tell you — especially after Ian tore through.
Florida Woman must have missed that orientation class:
According to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office, at about 12:30 a.m. Sunday, a car entered the checkpoint at “a high rate of speed, neglected to stop, and charged through, putting deputies’ lives in danger.”
She must have missed it twice:
The driver continued to travel down Hickory Boulevard, eventually making a U-turn and then racing back through the checkpoint.
A deputy got in his patrol vehicle and attempted a traffic stop, but Peters continued to “drive erratically, slowing down, speeding up and swerving out of the lane,” says a sheriff’s office statement.
No one seems quite sure what finally prompted Florida Woman to pull over and stop. Maybe she finally noticed the checkpoint. Or the police lights. Or all those people she almost hit.
But according to police, do you know what Florida Woman did as soon as she pulled over?
You might think she apologized to the police. Or cried. Or got of of her car, threw the keys away, dropped to her knees, and promised never to drive again.
Nope, none of that.
She took a selfie.
And then she sped off again before being pulled over by local sheriffs who were also working nearby.
I just hope the selfie looks better than that well-earned mugshot.
SCORE: 1 point in each of the following categories of Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing, Police Chase, bonus Chutzpah point for the selfie.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Now that’s the way I like to start my weekend.
A Swing and a Miss and a Swing and a Miss Over Two Misses
Two strangers shot at each other’s vehicles with semi-automatic handguns during a high-speed “cat and mouse” chase late Saturday — and were finally busted when they got out and started brawling on the highway, according to cops.
During the gun battle, one’s 5-year-old daughter was hit in the leg and the other’s 14-year-old daughter was shot in the back, leaving her with a collapsed lung, Nassau County Sheriff Bill Leeper said Monday.
“What’s scarier than one crazy driver with a gun? Two crazy drivers with a gun,” the shocked sheriff said.
Thankfully, the girls are going to be OK.
DESPITE GETTING SHOT BY THE FATHERS OF GIRLS.
Sorry for shouting. But as a responsible dad and a responsible gun owner and a (mostly) responsible driver, this kind of thing really gets under my skin.
Both of these dads suck in ways dads just can play around with.
Let’s hope they get the book thrown at them, via some kind of high-powered book cannon.
SCORE: 5 points for WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Can You Swim Faster Than a Police Helicopter Can Fly?
Where Or When
We meet again:
Pasco County Sheriff’s deputies said Florida Man, 24, got into a fight with a friend last month in the town of Hudson, which is north of Clearwater.
According to the arrest affidavit, the victim said FM pulled out a razor blade and cut him while they were fighting.
During the investigation, deputies said they found surveillance video which showed the victim holding a t-shirt to his neck to stop a wound from bleeding.
Everybody is going to be OK, except for Florida Man who still has that thing on his face.
Yes, I did cover his original escapade in February of last year: “Florida Man was arrested last year after he was arrested for calling 911, because he needed a ride home.”
How long before we meet again?
SCORE: Face/Neck Tattoos, Recidivism, Weapon, Caught on Video
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
I don’t often cover the really ugly crimes, but despite some grievous injuries, the victim will survive. So with that spoiler, let’s look at the crime:
WPLG reported that an arrest report from Miami-Dade police said Florida Man, 45, attacked the woman Tuesday while she rode her bicycle in Medley.
Police said he asked her for a crack pipe, but when she said she didn’t have it, he chased her with the machete.
The woman tried to jump off her bicycle and run away as Florida Man struck her with the weapon multiple times in the head and left arm, according to the report.
On Friday, officers found Florida Man sleeping in a tent in Hialeah, still naked alongside two cowboy hats. He was identified by the victim from a photo lineup done at her hospital bed.
So many mysteries here, including who the hell asks strangers for a crack pipe. But the darkest mystery is this: Where did the second cowboy hat come from, and where was it expected to go?
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (preferably unusual), Fleeing.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
BREAKING NEWS: Florida Man can soon buy his weed at Circle K gas stations. I’m just posting this for future reference in case I need to introduce a new category.
Is That a Gator in Your Kitchen Or Are You Just Happy to Run Screaming?
If I lived in Florida, my front door would be repurposed from a bank vault. And the bars on my windows would be rated against gators, machetes, flying debris, and zombies.
SCORE: Wild Animals, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories worth 20 points for a very solid average of exactly four points per story.
It seems that Florida Man has fully recovered from Hurricane Ian, even if the state has yet to, and for that we can all be grateful.
Meanwhile, Colorado Man…
Maybe he meant just to draw his gun but got confused:
Police are looking for a Colorado man who, they said, engaged them in multiple vehicle pursuits and crashed into several other vehicles Thursday after being accused of exposing his genitals and displaying a firearm to a married couple at a gas station.
Colorado Man fled the police, tried to hot wire a dirt bike, apparently stole another car, crashed and fled again.
All in all: “The release states an arrest warrant has been issued for Colorado Man, charging him with aggravated fleeing a police officer, three counts of aggravated assault with a vehicle, three counts of leaving the scene of a crash, three counts of failing to render aid and indecent exposure.”
The only thing I can say in my home state’s defense is that at least Colorado Man did all this down in New Mexico.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…